GIRLFRIEND SPECIFICATION

Specification for a Girlfriend

 

I seek someone whom I can love and who will love me enough that we can have a stable, long term relationship that is emotionally, sexually and spiritually satisfying for both partners.

 

Having successfully found what I wanted in a woman, twice, I know exactly what I want.  Unfortunately, having that knowledge is a damned mixed blessing.  You start sifting the world into two piles, the suitable and the unsuitable, and the thing about it is that people are all shades of the spectrum.  Selecting someone on objective criteria – a specification – sounds somewhat mad, but it is fit-for-purpose.

 

Example.  If blondes ring my bell, I would be wise to steer clear of auburn-haired girls.

 

Sounds obvious.  But let’s move to other things.

 

What are the dimensions of a woman, the things that work with me and turn me on?

 

Kids:  I love a mom, but is her schedule too hectic?  I love a woman who can love my children as her own, and help me be a better father (hard to imagine that, but even I could improve).  A woman without children is fine, as long as she is “generative” enough to love kids and genuinely be a future potential step-mother.  Evil step-mothers need not apply.  Does she adore children, and as important, do they adore her?  If so, she’s my girl.

 

Sex:  This category looms large, and is the subject of a separate document.  In summary, I need a woman who is a nymphomaniac, a total whore, a completely degenerate kinky slut, but who can be absolutely faithful and pour all her sexual spirit into the man she loves, (that would be me).  The woman needs to initiate sex as often as she is approached for it, love the unconventional, have had a past that is more wild than mild, and enjoy the kinds of sex that are portrayed in great porno.  She must delight in dressing for success in the bedroom, and know the difference between sexual creativity and sexual availability.  This is a rare woman, but they do exist.  When I find her, she’s my girl.

 

Intelligence:  it would be nice if she knew how to spell the word.  It would better if she could wrestle me to the ground in an argument.  I don’t need Einstein, but we need to be able to talk about quantum mechanics and its application to pseudo light waves that travel in the negative time direction.  If she can do that, or at least roll her eyes authoritatively, she’s my girl.

 

Spirituality:  Very closely connected to all the above.  Does the woman believe in life after – and before death?  Or does she see it ending?  Is there meaning in the simple act of giving a blowjob?  Or is it just mouthwork?  What colors does she see when she comes?  Does sex bring her close to God?  Does she walk beside a Higher Power?  Does she believe God speaks to us through the mouths of other people?  Does she feel things greater than what can be seen?  If so, she’s my girl.

 

Friends/Family:  Can I take her to a black tie without worrying about her insulting my boss?  Will my parents like her?  Note, odds are, if my mother likes her, she’s disqualified, but my dad is always dead on.

 

Occupation:  Does she have an occupation that is fulfilling rather than frustrating?  Does she complain constantly about work?  Can she engineer a job that fulfills her in the long term?  Has she built a life in which her occupation is the fulfillment of her spirit, or is it just there to make the mortgage payment?

 

Resources:  Does she have a house on the water, or live in a tent?  A BMW Z3 or an 83 Dodge Aries?  Does it matter?  Sometimes this area reflects on a person’s character, showing whether they love themselves.

 

Psychology:  Does she know herself?  If so, does she love herself?  Those who don’t love themselves need not apply.  Not even God can fix that in one lifetime.

 

Looks:  There’s no formula.  I like blondes, but brunettes have been known to make me beg.  I like copper auburn hair, but carrot top red doesn’t move me.  I like straight hair, but again, wavy-haired girls have made me knock on the gates of heaven.  I like blue eyes, but have been more in love with a brown-eyed girl than with my next breath.  I love slender girls, but I’ve been desperately in love with curvy, voluptuous, overweight women.  I love thick lips, but have died for the thin-lipped girl.  As to looks, it comes down to – do all the above things shine out in your physical appearance?

 

Astrological sign:  Never believed this shit before, but the books say two Aries should not hook up, and that you can bank on.  I’ve loved a Leo, who was an A+ on every category above.  When it ended and I was seeking advice, the Leo girl commented on the Scorpio girl thus, “oh, you’re in luck, Scorpio’ll fuck your brains out.”  The Scorpio did.  It was horrible.  Still searching.  Bad luck with Libra, by the way.

 

Interest/Chemistry:  Is she interested in her guy?  Truly interested in him?  Madly in love with him?  Want to fuck him every time she sees him?  Really, really fuck the shit out of him?  Introduce him to her girlfriends, parents, people on the street?  Does she want to watch every crappy movie on his list of favorites?  Hear every sea story he has?  Hold his forehead when he’s vomiting?

 

Devotion:  So now the guy has a terminal illness.  Is the girl still with him, loving him, longing for him, or is he a burden?

 

Availability:  A woman needs to spend time with a relationship partner.  This corner can’t be cut.  Two people can make tremendous strides with electronics.  Email, voice mail,  telephone conversations, instant messaging and cell phone text messages can progress a relationship much faster than just a decade ago, but there is no substitute for time spent breathing the same air.  And that time can happen in a restaurant, a smoky bar, a rain-swept cobblestone street, but that is only part of it.  A significant factor to developing a working relationship is “naked time” – this is how we learn if we’re compatible and it is how we will connect on a hundredlevels.  This is so obvious that this category was omitted and a woman who was absolutely perfect in all other categories was let go because she had too busy a life.  A woman should not put herself on the market if she does not have time to pursue true love.

 

There’s probably twenty more categories.  I’m focused on the sex part, since I’ve had a few relationships that were an A+ in the other areas and crashed to earth on the sex.  That doesn’t mean I think with the little head, although I believe it has the higher IQ, and in this case, it will be the little head who “nominates” the girl.  Brain and heart will vote, but penis will do the initial screen.  Hope my future woman is happy with that arrangement.  If she’s not, we both dodged a bullet.