DEAR PLAYBOY AUTHOR BOY

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

 

My wife complains and nags that I don't clean enough or do enough housework,  but I cut the grass and do all the outside work,  cook all the meals,  fix all the shit that breaks down around the house,  shop for all the groceries,  and take out the trash and haul it to the dump.  Plus,  I give her 1/2 hour body massages with lotion weekly.  Why does she insist that I don’t do enough around the house?

 

Thanks,

Blue Balls Mark

 

 

Dear Blue Balls,

 

In female eyes, Tarzan never does enough.  Jane is never satisfied.  It is part of the female chromosome to bitch, whine, moan, groan and complain.  And withhold sex.  Even though that screws her out of the pleasure of it as well.

 

The only thing that keeps Jane honest is competition.  Being married is like bidding a sole source job.  The work is overpriced and the service is unsatisfactory.  But with competition, good price, good work.  Same with romance.  Jane behaves if Tarzan has OPTIONS.  In my case, once I was single, Jane was sweetness and nice, until the four month point of the relationship, particularly if I talked about marriage.  Then the dissatisfaction sets into the female brain.  Solution simple.  Jane, this relationship is over.  Sorry, you are no longer needed.  Next.

 

The next Jane is sweet as pie until the moment that commitment is mentioned.  The instant that happens, Jane controls Tarzan, and no woman loves a man she controls.  And no woman has fun in the bedroom with a man she controls, it is worse than masturbation.  But a wild man whom Jane can only hope to lasso?  That’s a guy Jane thrills to in bed. 

 

My advice?  Remain single, be independent free spirits, enjoy your relationships, and always politely evade feminine control.  Jane will thank you for it.  In so many ways.

 

And if she doesn’t?  The next Jane certainly will.  Meanwhile, only do the housework you feel like doing, no matter what Jane says.

 

Even better, just keep your own place and let Jane stay in hers.  There, she has no one to blame but herself for the messy condition of the house, and you can run a tight ship with no one nagging you.

 

Trust me, guys, I’ve been there.  I know.

 

Playboy Author Boy