Dear Playboy Author Boy,
Q: Well my boyfriend and I are over but not officially. He wrote he wants to meet and pick up his stuff without a scene. I wrote back he wasn't welcome in my home.
A: I’m sorry to hear that it’s not amicable. Usually breakups take me through clouds of darkness but I usually wait a month and try to make friends again. I hate the karma of bad blood with someone I was intimate with. You should remember, one in a hundred adult relationships can lead to something permanent. It is almost a crime for us to think of permanent adult romantic relationships, as we’ve all been through so much that very few of us can suffer the high seas of romantic bad times, and we tend to bolt. Perhaps that is the reason that we invented marriage, to see us through temporary bad times so that we’ll be there for each other when things improve. Just that in my marriages, the darkness never lifted.
Q: After sitting and pondering what happened...my jealousy got the best of me but to me someone who wants to get married with me should not be adding single tall brunette women on a chat site. Tall brunette women seem to be the type he likes. I'm a short blonde woman...I don't meet his standards, I guess.
A: Jealousy is never good, but oddly, since it is a sign of being in love, women I’ve been with have used absence of jealous feelings as evidence I didn’t love them, and perhaps they were right. In general, I think that in a relationship, if you feel jealous, your partner probably gave you a reason, intentionally or not, consciously or not. I’m not blaming the boy here, but ask yourself, how is it you knew about his chat room behavior? By the way, online chats, connections with female friends – even past lovers – is acceptable behavior, because, like porn, it can keep the male levels of sexual interest in the world up, and the girlfriend benefits from that. If you are one of those females who want to put her guy in a hermetically sealed environment and only let him become aroused by her, get ready for disappointment, men are not built that way. Remember, it is one thing to look at a sexy picture, entirely another to go out and hire the hooker or fuck the ex-girlfriend. Distinguish between the two, and remember, men are NOT females with dicks. We’re built for the jungle, and the Jane who loves Tarzan BECAUSE of it rather than IN SPITE OF IT is the girl we love. Just as well, Jane could get interested herself in the wide world of sexuality. Study it, read on it, communicate about it. There is always more to know.
Q: I think that his rush for me to get off the market and fall in love with him almost instantly was also a mistake.
A: Yes. That’s a sign that you want love and it doesn’t matter who supplies it. Therein lies the end of the relationship.
Q: He more or less swept me off my feet even though he is not my type at all.
A: A word about “type.” In my opinion, this “type” discussion is bogus. It exists, certainly, but I’ve had my female friends do experiments with type. One girl thought her type was big beefcake muscular guys, and she was upset that her ballerina pal who had loved her for years, and who was handsome and cute and loving and adorable, was out of bounds because he wasn’ther type. How, she said, could I fall in love with a guy whose ass is smaller than mine (and she was an actress and high level black belt in the fitness industry)? The answer was, you can, but you have to rewire your brain. I told her, go away for a 3 day weekend with Billy the Ballerina. You two already are deeply emotionally attracted to each other, but he doesn’t look like a pro lineman for the Chicago Bears. You spend 3 days fucking each other’s brains out, and I guarantee, I told her, that after that weekend and all those orgasms this guy will be someone you lust for, and your new “type” will be boy dancer. She called me one day into the weekend and left a voice mail saying, “I don’t need the other two days. Four orgasms in and I’m lost. I love the ballerina. You were so right. Thank you, Playboy Author Boy.” So as far as type goes it might just be habit.
As for being swept off your feet, that’s kind of a 10th grade princess fantasy, isn’t it? Did he have a white horse too?
Q: He's an accountant and I see when he talks business he's full of passion....but it was boring stuff. I tolerated it. He was fun to be with made me laugh but he also embarrassed me a lot as he liked to joke around a lot embarrassing other people.
A: Did you mention that to him? Many times your beef with a partner can be fixed if you bring it up.
Q: Sexually I did all the work as he had a bad back. He was an excellent oral sex partner though, except he would not perform 69 and would not cum in my mouth.
A: Even doing all the work can be fulfilling. As to not cumming in your mouth, I know from my own experience that it is difficult for me to cum inside a woman’s vagina, anus or mouth. I can count on one hand the oral orgasms I’ve had in the last two years with women, and in two years and a lot of sexual partners, I’ve only cum once in a woman’s ass and zero times in a vagina. While part of that is due to the post-divorce trauma and trust issues, I always had difficulty around women letting go and cumming, and my first wife was a fuckbuddy – very plain at best, ugly on a typical day – whom I married because she was the only woman I could cum with! The second wife had trouble bringing me off, but we’d 69 until she came, then I’d enter herpussy and cum wonderfully, and it is so much more fulfilling for both people that way, but I haven’t had that since the 90s (the marriage went bad in 99, we didn’t get divorced or separated until 2004).
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