DEAR PLAYBOY AUTHOR BOY

Dear Playboy Author Boy

Please help me, I'm having trouble breaking up with a guy who has me in a "vampire relationship." He's sucking the life out of my soul. Please read and comment on my proposed "Dear Clark Kent" letter:

Dear Clark, I have no idea what to say, on one hand I'm happy with you, and feel content in our relationship. On the other hand I feel too much responsibility for you, it scares me that I'm the first woman you picked to become intimate with in almost a year. Not just a little scared.  It terrifies me. I can't be that responsible, I dont trust myself. I'm still rebounding and you are bound to get hurt in my confusion. I believe it's better to hurt you a little now rather then let it go on longer than it should just because I don't want to lose your friendship, and hurt you terribly deeply later on. I don't know for sure that that would happen, but I do know that right now you're more into this than I am. I have a lot of unresolved feelings about my former relationships (my first rebound relationship with Gardener Boy and then with Author Boy). Not that I want to still date any of them, but my emotions are not clear to me. I have good days and bad days where this is concerned, sometimes I feel whole and ready to move on, other times I feel confused, not wanting to get involved again. I think its too soon. If you wanted to date me casually I could probably manage that but this is becoming much more involved than casual dating and its too soon for me. (Not only that but we live too far apart for casual dating.) I cant determine my feelings for you, because I haven't healed from the past. I told you in the beginning I don't want you to be a rebound and that's what you are right now, it's unfair to you and you don't deserve this. We can see each other, talk about this, but the last two times I've seen you I haven't been able to do it face to face. I care too much about you, I like you too much and the thought of losing you hurts. And please please do not imagine this has anything whatsoever to do with you, your sexuality; you more than satisfy, you are a very rare man when it comes to that, you satisfy in every way. But for me it's never about sex, yes the sex needs to be satisfactory, but that's not the key. I truly and honestly dont know how I feel, I dont know if I met you later if I would feel differently or am I just too fucked up for intimate relationships, I have never been in one that's lasted. I know I promised not to hit you with an email but I haven't been able to stop worrying about this and I don't know when we can see each other next. My feelings are so numb and when I hear you talk and see your cards and emails I know that you are much deeper into this than I can be right now. I am deeply sorry and I'll understand if you cant forgive me and don't want to talk. You are much too good for me. And I will be forever grateful because you did rescue me, you were a lifesaver, I wish I could have been yours. Love, Lois."

What do you think?

Signed,

Lois Lane

 

Dear Lois,

You've made your guy read through a Tolstoy novel just to hear you say, "it's not you, it's me." Honey, a "Dear John" message should be at most five sentences. The ideal one reads like this:

Dear Clark, I'm sorry to deliver this news to you, but I have to tell you that we must end this relationship. Because of our dynamic and the way we are to each other, it is not right for me at this time in my life. If you want to talk about this further, I'll certainly get into the reasons for it, but you must know that nothing is going to change for me. This relationship is over, Clark. I'm sorry for the fact that this is painful for you - and it is for me as well - but it would be far worse for the both of us if we go on as we have. Be well, Clark, and good luck finding another Lois. Love, Lois

***********************

Lois was so annoyed by my answer that she called me in a furious rage.

You have to understand that poor Clark was led on for TWO MONTHS, all the while unhappy Lois was sucking his cock, swallowing his cum, and "cumming pretty" for him. She said, "but I told him I didn't love him."

Oh my God, I said, you can say "I dont love you" till the cows come home, but if you're sucking his cock like a porn star, which message do you think reaches the male brain? This, my dear, is why women shut men down sexually. It communicates to them with ACTIONS, not words, that they are unhappy.

I couldn't believe I had just advised a woman to do the one thing, the one tactic, that I hate the female kingdom (queendom?) for using - sexual shutdowns. But the point is, abundant sex from a woman is Jane telling Tarzan that whatever he is doing is working, and to keep on doing it.

Tarzan knows, trust me, that if Jane not happy, Jane not sucking Tarzan's cock.

Finally Lois Lane got the picture. Clark Kent got his short note, and was relieved. Relieved. Because he sensed that Lois' mind was elsewhere when he was with her, but he had stayed in it with her because he figured if the sex were that good, maybe something other than him was bothering her. He left gracefully, like the gentleman he was.

Lois was amazed. Wow, she said, Playboy Author Boy, you really know what the hell you're talking about.

Maybe so, Lois, I said, but if I'm so smart, why am I single?

A thought to ponder for another day. Because the last time I got shut down sexually, it annoyed me so much I ended the relationship. Then, go figure, it turned out that the woman had a medical problem, and that, in combination with her uncommunicative nature, gave methe wrong signals. I left in haste. I blamed myself for misreading the signals. But it would have helped if the woman had just told me what was going on. Would I have believed her? I don't know. To this Tarzan, words are nothing. I lived through over a decade of cold marriages where the woman was all about saying "I love you, I love you, I love you" but when it came time for sex, she'd be all about "my headache, the kids, I'm tired, I feel fat and if you really loved me, you'd understand."

A warning to any future Jane. The moment you shut me down sexually, I'll be in your face asking what went wrong. And for once in your female life, don't lie. Tarzan knows.

Hopefully Lois Lane knows as well. She'll think about it the next time she opens her mouth to a hard cock. If she's smart, that cock will be connected to a guy she's crazy about, not a guy who's confined her in a vampire relationship.

A final word for those blessed members of the Female Queendom who are sexual and horny all the time, and think that shutting down Tarzan deprives Jane of the sex she so needs and deserves.  While I applaud you sexual creatures and pray for one of you in my bed on a permanent basis, it must be noted that encouraging a guy who you want out of your life, encouraging him with sex for your own needs, is a trap.  You can just as easily replace that guy with a man you adore, and go back to the sex you love with the guy you love.  In the interim, while your bed is disappointingly Tarzan-free, use one of the new toys that are available from female-oriented websites.  The month that it will take you to find a good guy will go by fast, and Duracel will keep making the batteries that make you happy to be female.

Peace out.

Playboy Author Boy