IS MONOGAMY A FAIRY TALE

IS MONOGAMY YET ANOTHER FAIRY TALE OF MODERN SOCIETY?

 

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

Are human beings meant to be monogamous?  Is it realistic to expect our spouses and partners to remain monogamous? Can you stick to it? Should you try? Has monogamy become one of those ideals that the vast majority of people publicly claim to believe in (and encourage others to adhere to), though far fewer privately believe in or practice consistently?

 

Wondering Wandering Blonde

 

Dear Wandering,

 

You’ve sensed the hypocrisy of the mob on other things and are applying it to monogamy.

 

In a way you are correct, although those who have seen marriages and long term relationships fail usually do not blamethe failure of monogamy, but rather their partner.

 

Also, those who complain about monogamy usually are those who regret their present overcommitted arrangement to a partner who no longer excites or arouses.

 

The real issue is in how we craft our relationships.  For some people, marriage works, and if those individuals chose their partners well, things stay fine for a long time, but perhaps not forever.  In this group, had things stayed the same, the marriage would have continued, but something altered the chemistry.

 

For others who know themselves, marriage is a bad idea.  They want to be in a relationship so long as it is working and they turn away from marriage.  If the relationship flourishes, monogamy rules, but if it founders, the relationship ends (instead of cheating, regrets and flying frying pans).

 

Even to men weary of marriage who want to play the field when the separation starts, it eventually gets boring dating one woman after another despite the quirks of the opposite sex and the funny stories that come from dating (see http://journals.aol.com/silentfastdeep/hundredgirls for hilarious and sad tales of dating the first hundred females after my own divorce).  Eventually, people get super attached to one person who lights up all the bulbs on the Christmas tree, and that person is concentrated on.

 

Naturally temptation will arise, but it can be deflated by mentioning it to the partner AND by insisting on getting what you need in a relationship.  Example, if there is a sex act you MUST have to be happy, and your husband won’t do it, you are sailing on the Titanic but just haven’t yet hit the iceberg.  This is a defective quality of a monogamous relationship that will eventually cause it to end, probably badly.

 

Otherwise, monogamy is the rule rather than the exception for a reason.  Marriages hold together over finances and children and comfort in addition to social expectations.  Is monogamy a happy experience?  On average, it bats about .250.  Not outstanding, but good enough to keep it in play for the next generation.

 

I would tend to fault our ideas of marriage rather than those of monogamy.  But in general, if you are complaining about monogamy and thinking it is impossible, odds are there is something bothering you about your relationship.  Why don’t weattack that?  If you’re so horny that other men excite you,it isn’t monogamy to blame, it’s that your partner is defective.

 

Please don’t take this as an endorsement or defense of monogamy.  I’m observing what society does and what works and doesn’t work for most people.  If a partner no longer works for you, I’m the first to advise you to walk, no matter the other encumbrances like your parents’ expectations or the mortgage payment you can’t make alone.

  

PBAB