THE CASE OF THE ELECTRONIC PHILANDERER
Dear Playboy Author Boy,
About six weeks ago I found emails from my husband and another women. She is a co-worker in a different out-of-state office. They both claim they were drunk at the time the emails happened. When I found out, after a lot of fighting and 24 hours, he fully admitted to going too far, even though he says it was "harmless." In my eyes, this is a complete betrayal of my trust even though he didn't physically cheat. He went on a true work-related business trip and this woman was there, too, with other co-workers as well. I was completely uncomfortable with him going in the first place and the fact that they were with each other every day and going out for dinner and drinks with the group every night really didn't sit well with me. He claims that they are just friends and won't stop talking to her or texting her. Keep in mind that even though they are "friends," he won't talk or text her when I'm around. I’m pretty sure that nothing physically was going on but am I right to not trust my husband? What should I do?
Wow, this has gone way too far. This woman has your husband's waking and sleeping fantasies cranked up to full speed andnothing short of fucking her is going to satisfy him, and even then, he could be hooked on her for years.
You're at a fork in the road. The one thing you can do to save your life is unveil the nuclear weapon. Toss him out, go for a complete and legal separation, talk to a lawyer and close him out of your life. Be open to the idea of him coming back and begging you to take him back. Nothing shuts down a budding sexual affair than a dose of reality. If you enable him by communicating that you will stay with him, he'll keep on this woman. You see, attention from you (even in the form of anger and screaming) is positive reinforcement -- you are in a way giving him respect as seen by his reptilian brain. To get the reptilian brain back on your side, you have to withdraw all that attention. The only way to do that is to kick him out of your life, completely and totally, for a while.
Many women refuse to do this and have to watch their marriages go down the drain. They end up divorced anyway. Others do the separation route and think that the man will see what is going on but he never regrets his actions and goes on to the other woman anyway -- but the thing is, these women shorten their own suffering, because had they stayed and tried to work it out, it would have dragged on for years and ended up in the same failed place. Still others live to see their husbands crawl back to them for forgiveness, but by then they have seen the light, enjoyed their separated life, perhaps even met a new man themselves, and they don't WANT to go back.
But I ask you this, wouldn't you like to have the option of making a choice rather than being out of control in this horrible place?
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