THE CASE OF SCUFFED SOUL
Dear Playboy Author Boy,
What would you do if you realized your soulmate were married? I fell in love with a man 8 months ago and found out shortly after that he was married. I was very much in love with him so continued to see him anyway. He promised over and over to get a divorce as he claimed he was so unhappy at home. He has never done so. In the first 6 months he went back and forth between his wife and me several times. We had many issues due to the lack of trust involved. I always had it in the back of my mind that if he would cheat with me then he would cheat on me. I have since moved on 2 months ago and found someone who is single and makes me feel like I will always be the only one. He knows my strong feelings for my ex still and it has caused many problems in our relationship. Last weekend I actually sat and sobbed in front of him because the pain of healing was so intense. My ex and I spent some time together 2 weeks ago and although it was totally amazing I still feel I can't trust him and he was back with his wife at the time. What would you do?
Suffering Soulmate
Dear Fillet of Soul Girl,
Our hero, President Ron Reagan, once wrote to a heartbroken widow after WWII that there is no such thing as a soulmate, because the creator of the universe would never be so cruel as to father billions of children, only allow each individual no more than a single possible match, and then watch her desperate search against the odds to find that match or – having found him – watch as she grieves that man’s eventual loss and goes on to a life lacking the possibility of future romance.
Put another way, if you can love one man deeply, perhaps you can love another one. Therefore, once the grieving process ends, you can move on and find a new love.
As wonderful as that sentiment sounds, there are two truths here. One is that you aren’t apparently willing to go through the grief process. That’s minor and can be fixed. Your bigger problem is that you are in love with the unavailable man because he is unavailable. This is how women are able to commune with the opposite sex while avoiding closeness or scary intimacy. Odds are, if he left his wife, you’d freak out and find him suddenly much less attractive, and you’d find an excuse to unravel the relationship.
Proof – the wonderful man you are now seeing is just not doing it for you. But if he were hopelessly married to another woman, HE’d be your soul mate.
This is you, not him. You need to look into yourself to find out what it is about a real relationship and true intimacy that frightens you so much. I’d start with your relationship with your father. Was there some betrayal there that led you to keep men at arm’s length?
If self-examination doesn’t work, please see someone who knows his way around the female heart and let him try to peek in there, because you are missing out on the most wonderful part of life – a real relationship. Waking up next to the one you love and knowing he is crazy about you and would never betray your trust makes life worth living.
Good luck, honey.
PBAB
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