THE CASE OF THE HANDICAPPED PARKING SPACE

THE CASE OF THE HANDICAPPED PARKING SPACE

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

Help!...I just want to make love again... in between Rock & A Hard Place!  My wife and I used to be very sexually active, and very much "into" each other. About 15 years ago an accident at work hurt her back, and she has had to have several back surgeries. Not much helps the pain, and she is getting worse day by day. We just found out she will need another surgery in a couple months.

 

I try to help her, god knows I try every day. I feed her, bathe her, rub her back, and adjust her pillows and TV. I cook and take care of the kids. The more pills she takes, though, the witchier, and bitchier she gets. We haven't been intimate for over 10 years now!

 

I find myself looking at escort ads online. I even tried one once, the gal just took my money and left when I came out of the bathroom. A barrel of laughs. I understand I took wedding vows, but this isn't the person I signed up to be with - I'm trying my hardest to be loyal. Please don't respond with religious guilt, I need no more of that.

 

I just want to be touched, and loved, so badly...what do I do?

 

Periscope In My Pants Guy

 

 

Dear Periscope Boy,

 

Well, pal, I feel for you, but here's some practical advice.  Take it from a guy who has been there:

 

Path # 1

 

1.  Spend a lot of time stroking to internet porn.

 

2.  Miss the feeling of a real woman's pussy, mouth, tits.  Miss the sound of a woman's purr when you fuck her.

 

3.  Start flirting with women you meet.  Flight attendants, striptenders, coworkers.  Eventually your horniness will be noticed by everyone you know.  People will snicker behind their hands as you walk by.

 

4.  Get up the courage to do a call girl.  It's expensive, but it feels so exciting and so good to fuck an actual woman instead of just your hand.

 

5.  Get so into hookers that one becomes your favorite.  Eventually she will tell you that you need more than just sex.  You want companionship.  You want to be touched.  You want to talk over a drink before the blowjob starts.  "You need to get a girlfriend," she'll say as she leaves.

 

6.  You secretly seek a girlfriend.  Your life will take some rearranging, but eventually after all the desire burning out of your heart forces your hand, you find one.

 

7.  You love the girlfriend.  She's amazing.  But you feel so guilty.  So you dump her.  Then miss her.  Then beg for her back.  Only to be given the cold shoulder.

 

8.  So you find another girlfriend and keep it going longer.  This time you both fall in love.

 

9.  Girlfriend confronts wife, tells her to let you go.

 

10.  Your world collapses.  Divorce.  Family shuns you.  You get fired.  You are a laughing stock, or a warning sign.  Eventually the girlfriend moves on and dumps you.  Your wife divorces you andyou look like an asshole with a capital "A" to the entire world.  Every person you know realizes what a failure you are.  Finding a new job becomes impossible.

 

11.  Having lost everything, you flirt with suicide.

 

12.  Maybe you actually do it.  Path #1 stops here.

 

13.  Perhaps you don't actually kill yourself, but a large part of your soul dies.  You sleepwalk through the next five years a mere shadow of the man you were.

 

14.  Path #1 is the coward's walk.

 

Path #2

 

1.  You consult an attorney.

 

2.  You tell your wife you have lost your feelings for her and you want to separate to get your head together.  You tell her to be an adult if she freaks out and explodes. If she gets violent, you leave for the night or the week or the month until she can talk like an adult.  When she can be mature, you tell her honestly how you feel.  You owe it to yourself to be happy, and being celibate for another ten years makes you want to eat a bullet.

 

3.  She may understand, if she's got a thread of decency in her.  If not, that's her problem, not yours.

 

4.  You find a place, move your stuff in and shut the door behind yourself.  You will feel a huge sense of relief and utter joy.

 

5.  Stay celibate for a little longer.  Let the separation progress.  Let your soon-to-be-ex get used to the idea.  Make her understand it is not about an affair partner, it is about your being alive.

 

6.  Eventually she will move on and so will you.  Date around, get on Match dot com, go to a support group, and talk to people.  One of the best ways to make new friends is dating.  Not everyone you date will become a love interest -- some will become amazing sources of contacts for work and friendship.  You'll go to parties.  Your story will inspire others, not disgust them.  You will be seen by the women as a hero.

 

7.  Women will want you.  Hold out for one you find and hunt and convince to be with you.  The only females worth having are the ones you have to chase in a sprint.

 

8.  Put your feet on the desk and smoke a cigar.  You are areal man and a real success.

 

9. Go to your ex's wedding.  She found a handicapped guy just like her and they are insanely happy. Cry tears of joy for her and realize your staying would have held her in a cage.

 

Note, I've lived two marriages and two divorces.  I've walked both paths.  I have no regrets.  Path #2 is the better by far, but it is not for pussies.

 

Man up, my friend.  You'll be glad you did.  Please let me know how it went for you.

 

PBAB