THE MISSING SEX ACT
Dear Playboy Author Boy,
I love my wife, but I’m secretly seeing a man on the side and have been having sex with him for a year and a half. I know I shouldn’t be cheating, and I love having sex with my wife, but there are sex acts that, obviously, I need that she can’t fulfill. What do I do? I love both these people and don’t want to lose either one.
Ambidextrous in Amarillo
Dear Ambiguous Bisexual Guy,
Your problem is difficult but even though it may seem unique, it is important because many people do have a situation in which there is a “must have” sex act which their spouse will not (or in your case, cannot) provide. What should be done then? “White knuckle it” and suffer? Cheat and possibly lose everything? Go to therapy to try to reprogram yourself?
I know a happy couple in which the man is bi. They fulfill his need through threesomes of two or more men and the woman. The relationship works because the man was honest about what his needs were and wouldn’t commit to a relationship until he could be sure that his partner would be okay with fulfilling his needs – in fact, not just “okay” with it but enthusiastic about it. There are females in existence for which this kind of guy is their best case and they fantasize about it. Obviously this is an alternative lifestyle but it works for the couple. Things were not always so happy for this guy – he had a messy divorce because of his up-to-then secret need which his wife found out about.
There are really 3 fundamental problems:
First, there is a sexual contract between a couple from the very start. Many people are extremely shy about what they need in bed, and for them, the problem of missing a “must have” sex act is common. If the “sexual deal” between the couple includes the needed sex act, then all is well. Many times, the shyness of one of the partners is to blame – if only he or she had spoken up about the needed sex act, the relationship could change to include it and fulfill both partners’ needs, but the shyness and shame keeps it in the dark to torment one of the partners. Bottom line – be honest about what you need in bed or you will suffer.
Second, what if the sexual contract included the needed sex act, but then the deal got changed by one of the partners? If one member of the couple unilaterally decides to stop that particular sex act, and the deal is changed without the permission of the couple, disaster can ensue. Resentment can abound from this changed contract, and that alone can cause a relationship to fail. The sexual compact does tend to change over time, but a sudden decision to exclude the sex act that one partner needs can be the first sign of the end.
Third, if the missing sex act cannot be accommodated in the marriage, no matter what (as seemingly in the case of a bi male married to a female unwilling to try threesomes), what then? Then there are five choices:
A. Abstain from the must-have sex act completely. This is something like the biblical injunction, if your eye causes you to sin, cut it out. While you can survive indefinitely without a sex act your heart desires, you are surviving, not truly living.
B. Engage in fulfilling your own need without cheating. For example, use of porn that features the sought-after sex act for masturbation and fantasy. This is not as awful as the suffering of “A” above, but at least affords the continuation of the relationship without cheating. Note, the sexual secret can be detected by the spouse through computer checks or other means, so the Plan B Partner must realize that indulging in the non-cheating need fulfillment of the intolerable sex act could still mean the end of the relationship.
C. Cheat with someone who can fulfill your need for that banned sex act, and if caught, plan on confessing that it is just that one sex act you need and that it isn’t a global dissatisfaction with the relationship (this won’t save you 99 times out of a hundred). Remember, cheating is tempting fate and usually it is only a matter of time before the relationship implodes or people find out and talk about you behind your back, which can affect your job and your life.
D. End the relationship and find someone who will gladly fulfill your needs.
E. This option is something like “A” – attempt to reprogram yourself through intense therapy so that you no longer need the formerly “must have” sex act. As a warning, you must know that this is possible but rarely works in the long term, even if it has some short term results. Something can happen, perhaps even a scene in a movie, that brings you right back to your original unwanted desires.
In general, you can expect that the full palette of your sexual desires can be accommodated by one partner if you are honest at the very start of your relationship about what you need, nomatter how ashamed you are of your own needs. Note, if your needs include things that involve animals or children and thus are inherently illegal and immoral, this advice is not for you.
Back to your particular situation: you need to decide how important your marriage is to you relative to your sexual urges and sexual identity. The scenario you describe of having sex with a man outside your relationship tends to make me think this is something that could be extremely destructive to you if discovered by your wife. Therefore, I would strongly advise you to consider if you can either bring your wife into the truth of the situation (is she a loving, adoring wife who will stick with you through anything and will accommodate new needed sex acts like allowing you to have sex with a man? If not, this choice probably is a bad one) or ending the relationship as gently and fairly as you can and then finding a new situation that is more tailored to what you need. You sound like you need both women and men, and if that is true, your post-divorce search will be more complicated, but still possible.
A final word: you expected a lecture on safe sex, I suppose, since homosexual male relations can cause extreme medical problems like the kind of sexually transmitted disease with no cure, which if passed on to your wife would result in a very nasty situation. If you are not practicing safe sex with your male paramour, you are gambling with your life and your wife’s. Bad idea.
Good luck, pal.
PBAB
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