THE WOMAN WHO CAN'T BE PLEASED

THE WOMAN WHO CAN’T BE PLEASED

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

I can't get past all the advice for men about, "If you truly listen, if you help out more, if you give her space, if she had a hobby, if you romanced her more, then she would give you more sex and more attention.”  I'm beginning to believe its all bullshit to keep men trapped in their marriages.  I ask, "What's going on, how are you feeling?” and listen ad nauseum to the list of "things" she must deal with on a daily basis.  I do at least 40% of the housework while working fulltime and she works 2 days a week, I drop off and pick up kids from school / daycare, I'm active in kids youth activities, etc.  At least one a month, I take her out - no kids, spend money on dinner / show / dancing.  What does this get me? More nagging, more "I need you to do x,y,z for me...", more "That was nice - I'm tired and going to bed."  No extra loving, no increase in sexual desire, nothing.  I thought the late 30s and 40s were a woman's sexual peak? She refuses to discuss it and won't see a doctor - what to do?

 

Test Pilot Going Down

 

 

Dear Test Pilot,

 

This happened to me too. First it was, I can't have sex because I'm unhappy your divorce hasn't come through.

 

Then it was, I can't have sex because I'm depressed that we haven't had a princess wedding.

 

Then -- we don't have a nice house.

 

Then it was she wanted poodles.

 

Then a Lexus.

 

Then a baby.

 

Then more help around the house.

 

Finally, after getting my divorce, having a huge wedding, getting a big house with a pool and lots of land and landscaping, getting two thoroughbred poodles, not one but two Lexus cars (what the hell is plural of Lexus?), a baby, and after I did 100% of the cooking, cleaning and housework, guess what?

 

She ran out of excuses (finally) and simply said, "I'm not attracted to you. I never want to have sex with you again."

 

Sometimes the wife in this situation will add that it is your fault because you didn't satisfy all her needs fast enough. Or that you got fat, hairy, old, ugly, etc.

 

But the bottom line is, chum, your wife is saying that she is no longer in love with you. Read that again. A wife who is in love with you does not do these things.

 

You can be thankful that she is not cheating (yet) and hasn't (yet) dropped the bomb on you that she no longer loves you.

 

I recommend you move out and go for a trial separation. Sometimes this helps focus a woman on what is going on. Most of the time it simply prepares both of you for the future.

 

If you stay with this woman, you are at severe risk for having an affair, and then it will end badly and the divorce will be much messier.

 

Sorry to be the one to deliver this news.

 

Good luck.

POST-DIVORCE FAKE BOOBS IN EX-HUSBAND'S FACE ~ WHAT TO DO?

 

 

 

POST-DIVORCE FAKE BOOBS IN EX-HUBBY’S FACE

 

 

My ex-wife is taunting me with her new boob job and it is driving me crazy. What should I do?  We separated about 10 months ago, divorce just went thru about 2 months ago. Basically she just said she made a mistake and didn't want to be married. with the money she got from me keeping the house she bought herself new boobs; my ex was a model after high school so she is stunning but was very flat (A or B cup) but is now 38D and they are magnificent. Unfortunately for me we work in the same building so every time I see her walk by my office I about have a heart attack (If u know what I mean!!)...she knows I have a kind of serious girlfriend already but she is calling me at night when she's been drinking and asks if I want to come over or if she can come back and see the house, last night she told me about how she bought all new bras...I'd be lying if I didn't admit I am dying to get my hands on her new body...sex was always great between us and now I know it'd drive me wild with those 38D's...but she really hurt me leaving me and part of me wants to blow her off...confused in Orlando.  Any suggestions?

 

Cap’n Jack

 

 

Jack, dude,

 

You have to recognize what this is:  your ex-wife is trying to get attention from you, and from the men of the world.  It is very common for post-divorce females to get breast enhancements, because they’ve always wanted them, and because (let’s face it) going back out into the single market can be intimidating, so just like men shed pounds and go to the gym to get buff to make themselves marketable to the opposite sex, women get boob jobs.

 

The difference here is her brazen strutting of her stuff to make you notice her.  This is not about her loving you or wanting to get back together with you.  This is about her trying to “win” the post-divorce struggle over who is okay and who is hurt.  This is a childish thing and more about revenge than anything sensible but it is often the healing process itself.  Some men buy red sports cars and date 28 year old strippers after a divorce.  Some women try to get their ex-husband’s attention so they can say, no-no, naughty-naughty, GOTCHA!  Then she wins and you lose.

 

Another reason she may be taunting you is to spite your girlfriend.  Exes love to drive girlfriends away so they can giggle over the story to their bitter friends, “win” the “who’s prettier, ex or girlfriend” war and (extra points) drive you crazy.

 

These are not friendly acts, son.  These are combat tactics.  You must fight back as well.

 

I recommend a change of scenery.  Can you change departments at work and get to a different floor or a different building. Must you work in the same building or corporation or city as your ex?  The only reason to be in the same zip code as an ex is for the children.  You didn’t mention any, so get going.

 

If you can’t withdraw from this war, then you must make up your mind to fight it and win it or surrender to failure.

 

Failure is not an option.  Your ex will keep teasing you and the hostilities might escalate.  The absence of attention from you will make her do more provocative things like fuck your friends or write your mother lurid (possibly even true) tales of how mean you allegedly were to her and the horrible things you did to her sexually.  It’s all a lie but it will upset you all the same.  Eventually she will try to affect your job, discredit you and perhaps even get you fired so she can say, look what a mess he is now – I was good for him and his present girlfriend is a crack whore who has affected what little character he had left.

 

So, say you have decided to win this battle.  How?  First off, your girlfriend has to be prettier and bustier than your ex.  If yours isn’t, dump her and get someone sexier.  Disregard this advice if you are truly in love with the girlfriend, but bear in mind that your true love for the girlfriend might have started this war in the first place, because people probably talked about how quickly and easily you moved on.  It is always difficult to see what we ourselves add to any situation because we can’t see ourselves, but know that this would not have happened if not for YOUR affect on your ex.  So in an odd way, you started this.  Now you have to finish it. 

 

Having “defended” yourself with a woman sexier than your ex, now you have to go on the offense.  Think of ways that will hurt your ex’s feelings, ways that she’ll know came from you but can’t prove.  Example, start a rumor that she likes to have sex with three men at a time (this one spreads like fire on a dry California forest bed).  Hijack her email account and have her send porn pics or even naked photos of her to her boss, or have her flirt with a married guy.  Make sure you delete the outgoing email trail after you send this stuff and clear any electronic fingerprints.  Start a blog that your friends can all read about how crazy she is (don’t mention her actual name and disguise her and your identity when you do this so you can plausibly say you didn’t do it).

 

You’ll know you won when she bitches to you about what you “allegedly” did to her.  Act innocent.  You’ll soon notice that the more you piss her off in the war, the less she will tease you sexually.  Make her angry and humiliated enough and you might not see her walk by for many moons.

 

Just be careful.  This can blow back on you and even get you in trouble with the authorities or with your employer.

 

The best advice is to get out of her reach and start a new life in a new town, but again, sometimes that just can’t be done.

 

Good luck, pal, you’ll need it.

 

PBAB

LOVE IS ALL THERE IS, RIGHT?

LOVE IS ALL THERE IS, RIGHT?

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

Is love the only thing needed to make marriage work? I think that love is all a couple needs (essentially) to make a marriage work. Is love the only thing needed to make a marriage work? Can a marriage work without love? Beyond having a home, a job, a car, food & drink to consume & maybe a large-screen Plasma or LCD HDTV, what else is there besides love that could make or break a marriage?

 

Loving in Louisiana

 

 

Yo Love Dawg,

 

Without love, a marriage will either die or become a zombie relationship.

 

But a marriage needs more than love.  It needs sexual chemistry and money and compatibility concerning all important life issues.  You can be a Republican and successfully marry a Democrat, you can be on opposite sides of the abortion debate, you can even get away with being a bigot and marrying a liberal, but these (believe it or not) are peripheral issues.  If you don't agree on the division of labor in marriage or what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman, you are doomed.  If you have kids and don't agree on what the roles of the parents should be, you are doomed.  If you can't compromise, solve problems and settle arguments, you are doomed.

 

There is a lot more going against marriage than for it.  The odds are always in favor of the house.  Having a successful happy marriage is about as likely as winning all night at the crap table.  Some do, so it is not impossible, but it is unlikely.

 

So if your marriage is firing on all eight cylinders, protect it, defend it and nurture it and teach someone else what makes it work.

 

PBAB

IS HUBBY QUEER?

IS HUBBY QUEER?

 

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

About 6 weeks ago my husband told me he thought he was gay. Then he tried being with gay men, twice, but he didn't feel right with the men so now he thinks he is probably not gay. He has decided to never watch gay porn again and to not be with any males ever again. Two questions 1. could he still be gay but just not into "one night stands"? and 2. how can I just go back to normal life/sex with him. I feel really weird about it, like maybe that's why he's been sexually dysfunctional all these years (married 27 years). Thanks for your help. I'm pretty stressed.

 

Dysfunctionally Dissed in Detroit

 

Dear Dissed,

 

He's gay. Just like in heterosexual situations, you are not attracted to 90% of the opposite sex. So in people who are just now admitting they are gay, they can't just pick anyone and try a sexual experience to confirm their homosexuality -- they must first have sex with someone who attracts them! That is what can help decide the issue.

 

However, gay porn plus three decades of sexual dysfunction PLUS having sex with men -- albeit unsuccessful sex with men -- means he is gay.

 

Time to give up on this man. Try to transition your relationship to a friendship and encourage him to keep trying to find what his "type" is in other men and then try sex again.

 

Obviously, stop having sex with him, as you would risk HIV or AIDS from potentially unsafe sex.

 

Good luck and get counseling to help you transition out of this nightmare and into a healthy heterosexual relationship. Warning, often closet lesbians choose men who are closet homosexuals, so you need to look in the mirror and determine why you picked this guy and then why you stayed with him.

LIBIDO ABDUCTED WHEN BABY CAME ~ WHAT TO DO?

LIBIDO ABDUCTED WHEN BABY CAME ~ WHAT TO DO?

 

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

My husband wants to leave me because we don’t have sex often enough.  My husband and I got married very quickly and have been married for a year and a half. We have a 5 month old son that I stay at home with. We fight every day because he "doesn't feel loved" because we don't have sex every day. We have it 1 or 2 times a week and, as disgusting as it sounds, I "help him out" 2 or 3 other days out of the week (not always, but usually). But on nights that I'm exhausted and just want to go to sleep he throws a huge fit and says that I never show him any love and that he thinks I'm not attracted to him anymore. He was raised in a household that revolved around sex (his parents are swingers and have "friends" over all the time). But I'm really tired of fighting. The fights get really bad, they have ended up to the point where he has tried to strangle me and then put a loaded gun to his head. If I try to leave, he says he'll kill himself. I don't know what to do. And I have told a cop (his father) about it. Should I just give up and let him go?

 

Jack’s Mom in Jackson

 

 

Dear Jack’s Mom,

 

Look at your signature name. You have defined yourself as a mother. Your husband is conceptually right (but morally wrong). He's right in that you HAVE lost that lovin' feelin' but wrong because he is showing his disappointment with violence and childish and dangerous behavior. The violence he is showing both to you and to himself must be dealt with first. Move out and take your son with you. Establish some distance. When all parties are calm, you need to talk this out.

 

But here is the thing. A large fraction of women lose sexual feeling after the child and it never returns to where it was before the baby. It is part of the reproductive cycle. It is also a difficult reality to grasp. Other people will tell you that when your child grows up and things get more manageable around the house that this will change. If after five months you are still a once a week girl, you won't bounce back to where you were before procreating the kid.  (Further proof – “helping him” get off sounds “disgusting” to you.)

 

Meanwhile you husband now has the devil's choice of abstaining, using porn to distraction or cheating on you. Marital sex drive mismatches are a fatal flaw to the marriage.

 

I'm sorry to deliver this news, but your marriage and your relationship is over.

 

You’ll be one of those divorced women who will create her life around the kid and then, 18 years later, wake up and realize she’s alone.  At that point you’ll try to start dating and very likely you will be disappointed because you’ve been without adult male companionship since the divorce.

 

A final word – you should take a hard look at yourself and truly ask yourself if you like men sexually.  I do not mean to throw the “L word” at you casually, but this turning away from sex and treating it like a chore – as if there is nothing in it for you, is a prime sign of being homosexual.  If you’ve ever gotten a buzz from making out with a girl or have fantasies about that, perhaps you should experiment and find your true self.

 

If I’m wrong about that, I apologize, but I’ve seen this complaint blossom into full blown Rosie O’Donnell before.

 

Good luck and say hi to Jack.

 

PBAB

 

aoljpictureUpload, aoljpictureUpload_1

THE CASE OF THE MISSING SEX ACT

THE MISSING SEX ACT

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

I love my wife, but I’m secretly seeing a man on the side and have been having sex with him for a year and a half.  I know I shouldn’t be cheating, and I love having sex with my wife, but there are sex acts that, obviously, I need that she can’t fulfill.  What do I do?  I love both these people and don’t want to lose either one.

 

Ambidextrous in Amarillo

 

 

Dear Ambiguous Bisexual Guy,

 

Your problem is difficult but even though it may seem unique, it is important because many people do have a situation in which there is a “must have” sex act which their spouse will not (or in your case, cannot) provide.  What should be done then?  “White knuckle it” and suffer?  Cheat and possibly lose everything?  Go to therapy to try to reprogram yourself?

 

I know a happy couple in which the man is bi.  They fulfill his need through threesomes of two or more men and the woman.  The relationship works because the man was honest about what his needs were and wouldn’t commit to a relationship until he could be sure that his partner would be okay with fulfilling his needs – in fact, not just “okay” with it but enthusiastic about it.  There are females in existence for which this kind of guy is their best case and they fantasize about it. Obviously this is an alternative lifestyle but it works for the couple.  Things were not always so happy for this guy – he had a messy divorce because of his up-to-then secret need which his wife found out about.

 

There are really 3 fundamental problems:

 

First, there is a sexual contract between a couple from the very start.  Many people are extremely shy about what they need in bed, and for them, the problem of missing a “must have” sex act is common.  If the “sexual deal” between the couple includes the needed sex act, then all is well.  Many times, the shyness of one of the partners is to blame – if only he or she had spoken up about the needed sex act, the relationship could change to include it and fulfill both partners’ needs, but the shyness and shame keeps it in the dark to torment one of the partners.  Bottom line – be honest about what you need in bed or you will suffer.

 

Second, what if the sexual contract included the needed sex act, but then the deal got changed by one of the partners?  If one member of the couple unilaterally decides to stop that particular sex act, and the deal is changed without the permission of the couple, disaster can ensue.  Resentment can abound from this changed contract, and that alone can cause a relationship to fail.  The sexual compact does tend to change over time, but a sudden decision to exclude the sex act that one partner needs can be the first sign of the end.

 

Third, if the missing sex act cannot be accommodated in the marriage, no matter what (as seemingly in the case of a bi male married to a female unwilling to try threesomes), what then?  Then there are five choices: 

 

A. Abstain from the must-have sex act completely.  This is something like the biblical injunction, if your eye causes you to sin, cut it out.  While you can survive indefinitely without a sex act your heart desires, you are surviving, not truly living. 

 

B.  Engage in fulfilling your own need without cheating.  For example, use of porn that features the sought-after sex act for masturbation and fantasy.  This is not as awful as the suffering of “A” above, but at least affords the continuation of the relationship without cheating.  Note, the sexual secret can be detected by the spouse through computer checks or other means, so the Plan B Partner must realize that indulging in the non-cheating need fulfillment of the intolerable sex act could still mean the end of the relationship.  

 

C.  Cheat with someone who can fulfill your need for that banned sex act, and if caught, plan on confessing that it is just that one sex act you need and that it isn’t a global dissatisfaction with the relationship (this won’t save you 99 times out of a hundred).  Remember, cheating is tempting fate and usually it is only a matter of time before the relationship implodes or people find out and talk about you behind your back, which can affect your job and your life.  

 

D.  End the relationship and find someone who will gladly fulfill your needs. 

 

E.  This option is something like “A” – attempt to reprogram yourself through intense therapy so that you no longer need the formerly “must have” sex act.  As a warning, you must know that this is possible but rarely works in the long term, even if it has some short term results.  Something can happen, perhaps even a scene in a movie, that brings you right back to your original unwanted desires.

 

In general, you can expect that the full palette of your sexual desires can be accommodated by one partner if you are honest at the very start of your relationship about what you need, nomatter how ashamed you are of your own needs.  Note, if your needs include things that involve animals or children and thus are inherently illegal and immoral, this advice is not for you.

 

Back to your particular situation:  you need to decide how important your marriage is to you relative to your sexual urges and sexual identity.  The scenario you describe of having sex with a man outside your relationship tends to make me think this is something that could be extremely destructive to you if discovered by your wife.  Therefore, I would strongly advise you to consider if you can either bring your wife into the truth of the situation (is she a loving, adoring wife who will stick with you through anything and will accommodate new needed sex acts like allowing you to have sex with a man? If not, this choice probably is a bad one) or ending the relationship as gently and fairly as you can and then finding a new situation that is more tailored to what you need.  You sound like you need both women and men, and if that is true, your post-divorce search will be more complicated, but still possible.

 

A final word:  you expected a lecture on safe sex, I suppose, since homosexual male relations can cause extreme medical problems like the kind of sexually transmitted disease with no cure, which if passed on to your wife would result in a very nasty situation.  If you are not practicing safe sex with your male paramour, you are gambling with your life and your wife’s.  Bad idea.

 

Good luck, pal.

 

PBAB

aoljpictureUpload, aoljpictureUpload_1

WHY RELATIONSHIPS TANK IN JANUARY

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

Is there something in the air with the upcoming alignment of the planets?  It seems that there is a lot of cleaning house when it comes to relationships.  Every day it is another long term relationship that is now ending.  Any thoughts or comments?

 

Ending in Encino Girl

 

Dear Encino,

 

Many relationships hang by a thread over the holidays. When the holidays are over, relationships end (that way, you don't spend all the holiday parties explaining why you're separated). But then Valentine's Day is a huge deadline for the end of relationships because it forces people to see that they are just "phoning it in." Therefore, many relationships end in the first quarter and that clears the deck to heal over the summer. Relationships tend to start in the fall (when kids are back in school, freeing up Mommy to think about romance).

 

PBAB

aoljpictureUpload, aoljpictureUpload_1

MARITAL SEX MISMATCH

THE CASE OF MARITAL SEX MISMATCH

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

How many times a week is normal for married sex?    Is it abnormal for a man to want sex with his wife twice per week and his wife wants it twice per month?  I just can’t seem to get my wife to put out enough.  Please help!

 

Horny in Hoboken

 

 

Dear Horny,

 

Sex drive disconnect is the norm for marriage.  Typically men want sex more than women, particularly if children are involved.  If your wife's decreased sex drive is sudden, you should seriously investigate.  But if it is gradual and commenced with getting pregnant, there is not much you can do to change this basic life fact.  Others will tell you I'm wrong and that a husband can do a hundred things to get his wife in the mood.  Trust me, that will last a month at most.  Your female will decline back to her low sex drive mode soon and she will know your tricks and see you coming.

 

My advice?  If this issue is serious, seek counseling but be aware that marriage counselors often intentionally hide the obvious conclusions from the couple (telling the truth can be unethical in their upside-down world).  Counselors think their mission is to smoosh together two unsuitable people -- they even counsel other marriage counselors!  If you go to counseling, have separate "truth telling" sessions where you go in and lay out the bare bones truth, then your wife does the same.  Then have a couple session.  Then go back for a solo session.  At that point ask, "what did she say?  What is your conclusion?"  Do not ask, "what is your advice?" because that brings their ethics into play.  The counselor's CONCLUSION from THE FACTS is what you must demand.  Then a good counselor will answer you with probabilities.  "It is unlikely you two will be able to remain happy together."  Translation, get out of this marriage before it eats your soul.

 

Another path is to be ready to enjoy your wife when SHE is in the mood and the rest of the time console yourself with self-pleasure (best done with porn of the internet variety).  If that isn't filling the gap, you could default to the path of an affair.

 

The infidelity path has been chosen by men for thousands of years to meet the sexual needs of the married male during sustained periods of sex drive mismatch.  I do not advise it because it can lead to life-threatening trauma (not just to the wife but to the husband).  Infidelity can lead to divorce not just from the wife kicking out the cheating husband but from the husband leaving because he fell "in love" with some bimbo who gave him mind-blowing sex.  Divorce leads to financial ruin, separation from beloved children, child support payments and bitchy ex-wives.  Sometimes it can lead to suicide.  That trim on the side that seems so tempting can take you off the planet, chum.  Don't think you can just do hookers and keep things under control.  Vagina is like heroin.  At first it's hookers, but then it'll be married women at that bar out of town, then a coworker, and soon you'll have a girlfriend and soon after that you have a relationship and soon your paramour is visiting your wife and your house is no longer yours.  The financial devastation of divorce makes you lose your girlfriend as well.  You can even get fired because people at work think you are unable to control your life.

 

Long story short, if you have sex drive mismatch, you are probably best just to shut up about it and try to seduce your wife as best you can.  If that doesn't work, keep suffering.  If it gets to the point you truly are willing to risk it all for your sexual happiness, before you cheat, sit the wife down and try to split the dishes like adults.  But even then, prepare for disaster.

 

Like it or not, penis ownership is not for the faint of heart.

 

PBAB

THE ADULTEROUS FRIEND

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

A man married with kids starts seeing another lass younger than him who is single without kids.  You see my best friend is in this situation, and I'm trying to understand the perspective of those in this type of situation, it doesn't make sense to me.

 

He is married with kids and having an affair, my best friend is genuine and the type who hates hurting people. She's funny pretty interesting, quite capable of finding a decent honest man with no ties. But she accidentally fell into this, she said it just happened like it was fate or something, she continuously has guilt trips but now she's got strong feelings for this guy, she has said he feels almost the same, but she is hurting as she knows she can never have what she wants from this, and makes do with seeing him occasionally, she doesn't want anyone to get hurt but can't bare the thought of breaking it off with him. She knows she is being selfish with her actions but she is also hurting as she really connects with him.

 

Please answer sensibly i need advice for her from others that have been in this type of situation with experience.

 

Friend of Adulterous Girl

 

Dear Friend of Adulterous Girl,

 

Let's focus on your friend. Men who are unavailable emotionally become players. Women who are avoiding intimacy with the opposite sex play with unavailable men, like married men (particularly those with children).

 

Your friend did this on purpose. "Happened accidentally" is a way of her avoiding accountability. Now she can complain and get sympathy and have what she wants all at the same time.

 

This is no mystery. The husband feels trapped and is rebelling against his captivity. The girlfriend is dating a man who won't turn and give her a ring -- she is rebelling against the idea of being trapped in a marriage.

 

What about the wife? Odds are she knows what is going on. I'd also bet that taking care of children has her ignoring her husband and neglecting the relationship. The sex is probably awful and infrequent. Hubby getting sex on the side relieves her of having to take care of him, plus his infidelity is an insurance policy because now she can blackmail him should divorce ever be mentioned (courts tend to sock it to men who screw around on a wife with young children). Yet she will never leave him on her own. With kids, she is dependent, and knowing of the affair gives her a new brand of control.

 

Therefore, this love triangle isthe perfect storm. Every member of this whacky team is getting what they need (although they won't ever admit that).

 

Therefore, there is no problem to solve here. Butt out!

 

PBAB

 

GIRL 22 ~ SOULLESS SALES GIRL

GIRL 22

 

SOULLESS SALES GIRL

 

Her photos were alluring.  She listed herself as a sales woman.  She seemed to know a lot about literature.

 

Her profile said, ""You are a gentlemen and are not ephemeral.  You’re literate.  A very smart little fox once said, ‘what is essential is invisible to the eye.’""

 

I wrote her.  She winked back, then disappeared.

 

I kept staring at that photo of hers.  Finally I wrote her a poem about how two ships crossed in the night, and how I would never know her, her, the love of my life.

 

Writing erotic, sensuous, romantic poetry is easy.  I just think about Girl 6.  I put her right in front of me in my mind, and I write.

 

It took her seconds to write me back.  Poetry is like that old malt liquor ad – works every time.  I met her in Princeton at the bar of a restaurant that is entirely too expensive for such rot-gut food.  She was beautiful and sexy and I wanted her.

 

Our conversation stalled at the first sentence.  After I’d asked her perhaps half a dozen "first date" questions, she frowned and said, "I don’t like answering personal questions on a date."

 

Rather than laugh, I acted as if I completely understood.  Then, to my own amusement and that of the waiter, I started a monologue in which I interviewed myself and spoke for her in a sarcastic falsetto voice.

 

"So, Michael," I asked myself, "how long have you been single?"

 

On and on like that it went for twenty minutes.  She wasn’t amused. 

 

Funny thing, I had a great time on that date.  I almost considered asking her out again just so I could keep myself company.

 

 

 

THE CASE OF THE DISGUSTED SPOUSE

THE CASE OF THE DISGUSTED SPOUSE

 

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

What would you do if your wife said she’s no longer attracted to you? Should I try to keep it together or not?

 

Lonesome Unloved Married Guy

 

 

Dear Lonesome,

 

This happened to me, so my answer is not so much a hypothetical:

 

My wife told me “I don’t want to fuck you anymore.  I’m not attracted to you.  I don’t want us touching anymore.”  I went upstairs, packed afew bags and moved to a hotel.  For the next week I refused to speak to her.  A month later, under a barrage of her emails, I emailed her that I wanted a divorce.

 

We met after six weeks.  She begged me to take her back.  I said, "I thought you weren't attracted to me."

 

She said that was still true, but we had a kid, mortgage, blah blah blah.

 

No thanks, I said.

 

Once your partner can't bear the thought of touching you, your relationship is long since over.

 

PBAB

 

P.S.  I'm happy now with a woman who lusts for me.  You should be too.

THE CASE OF POET LUST

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

I am engaged to a sweet, dependable, trustworthy guy. The problem is, he is rather lacking in intelligence, creativity and depth. I have been with a man who suited me intellectually, who could pour out his soul in letters worthy of publication. He was near genius, and I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be complete without that level of communication (I wasn't physically attracted to him as much as my fiance, and he didn't want a family). I guess my question is: which is more important, a deep connection or practicality? Should I be able to satisfy my hunger for poetic exchanges on my own (through writing, etc), or should I expect it from my lover?

 

Hungering for a Poet in Cleveland

 

Dear Poet Luster,

 

You should find what you need in a romantic partner all under one roof. It is possible. Guys as you described, the creative types, are plentiful. Find one who turns you on physically and who is enchanted by you. Match dot com is a great way to find this. It won't happen overnight and you will learn a lot on the journey, but to stay with someone who obviously doesn't meet your needs is simply stupid.

 

PBAB

IS MONOGAMY A FAIRY TALE

IS MONOGAMY YET ANOTHER FAIRY TALE OF MODERN SOCIETY?

 

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

Are human beings meant to be monogamous?  Is it realistic to expect our spouses and partners to remain monogamous? Can you stick to it? Should you try? Has monogamy become one of those ideals that the vast majority of people publicly claim to believe in (and encourage others to adhere to), though far fewer privately believe in or practice consistently?

 

Wondering Wandering Blonde

 

Dear Wandering,

 

You’ve sensed the hypocrisy of the mob on other things and are applying it to monogamy.

 

In a way you are correct, although those who have seen marriages and long term relationships fail usually do not blamethe failure of monogamy, but rather their partner.

 

Also, those who complain about monogamy usually are those who regret their present overcommitted arrangement to a partner who no longer excites or arouses.

 

The real issue is in how we craft our relationships.  For some people, marriage works, and if those individuals chose their partners well, things stay fine for a long time, but perhaps not forever.  In this group, had things stayed the same, the marriage would have continued, but something altered the chemistry.

 

For others who know themselves, marriage is a bad idea.  They want to be in a relationship so long as it is working and they turn away from marriage.  If the relationship flourishes, monogamy rules, but if it founders, the relationship ends (instead of cheating, regrets and flying frying pans).

 

Even to men weary of marriage who want to play the field when the separation starts, it eventually gets boring dating one woman after another despite the quirks of the opposite sex and the funny stories that come from dating (see http://journals.aol.com/silentfastdeep/hundredgirls for hilarious and sad tales of dating the first hundred females after my own divorce).  Eventually, people get super attached to one person who lights up all the bulbs on the Christmas tree, and that person is concentrated on.

 

Naturally temptation will arise, but it can be deflated by mentioning it to the partner AND by insisting on getting what you need in a relationship.  Example, if there is a sex act you MUST have to be happy, and your husband won’t do it, you are sailing on the Titanic but just haven’t yet hit the iceberg.  This is a defective quality of a monogamous relationship that will eventually cause it to end, probably badly.

 

Otherwise, monogamy is the rule rather than the exception for a reason.  Marriages hold together over finances and children and comfort in addition to social expectations.  Is monogamy a happy experience?  On average, it bats about .250.  Not outstanding, but good enough to keep it in play for the next generation.

 

I would tend to fault our ideas of marriage rather than those of monogamy.  But in general, if you are complaining about monogamy and thinking it is impossible, odds are there is something bothering you about your relationship.  Why don’t weattack that?  If you’re so horny that other men excite you,it isn’t monogamy to blame, it’s that your partner is defective.

 

Please don’t take this as an endorsement or defense of monogamy.  I’m observing what society does and what works and doesn’t work for most people.  If a partner no longer works for you, I’m the first to advise you to walk, no matter the other encumbrances like your parents’ expectations or the mortgage payment you can’t make alone.

  

PBAB

THE CASE OF THE PUPPY PEEING ON THE CARPETING LOVE

THE CASE OF THE PUPPY PEEING ON THE CARPETING LOVE

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

My boyfriend and I are both 19.  We met in high school. We have been together over a year now and I’m still so in love with him! It’s like being in love with my best friend. We've talked a lot about getting married and finishing college together. The thought is wonderful! I know I’d be happy with him for the rest of my life! We've been putting off telling our parents and friends, (mainly I’ve been putting it off), but now I think I may be putting off telling people because of different reasons. I’m re-thinking our plans. I’m not sure if I’m ready to get married in the next few years. Just lately I’ve been crushing on cute guys I run into at the gas station, or at work. I’d NEVER cheat on my boyfriend, but should these 'crushes' be telling me something? I certainly don’t want to break up with him either. I’m too scared to let him know how I’m thinking because these feelings I’ve been having may hurt him. Am I over reacting.. HELP!

 

Sweet Young Confused Thing

 

Dear Confused Born-Yesterday Girl,

 

You say, "I know Id be happy with him for the rest of my life!"

 

Wrong. Spend a few days reading about the agony of most marriages, even when both people are grown up and ready.

 

This is puppy love. If you stay with him, by the time you are 22 you will have outgrown him.

 

Growth happens explosively fast all the way into your 40s and two people never grow the same way.

 

Ask anyone who is married. You'll get the same answer.

 

Your "crushes" are an inner voice telling you to taste life. So get out there and taste it. And don't worry about hurting him. If he is honest, he will tell you he is experiencing the same thing.

 

Or, you could ignore all the adult advice, throw your life away, get married, have kids, and wonder why that guy at work looks so delicious and feel the agony of having married too soon. Your move.

 

Let me know how it works out for you.

 

PBAB

THE CASE OF THE SCUFFED SOUL

THE CASE OF SCUFFED SOUL

 

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

What would you do if you realized your soulmate were married?  I fell in love with a man 8 months ago and found out shortly after that he was married. I was very much in love with him so continued to see him anyway. He promised over and over to get a divorce as he claimed he was so unhappy at home. He has never done so. In the first 6 months he went back and forth between his wife and me several times. We had many issues due to the lack of trust involved. I always had it in the back of my mind that if he would cheat with me then he would cheat on me. I have since moved on 2 months ago and found someone who is single and makes me feel like I will always be the only one. He knows my strong feelings for my ex still and it has caused many problems in our relationship. Last weekend I actually sat and sobbed in front of him because the pain of healing was so intense. My ex and I spent some time together 2 weeks ago and although it was totally amazing I still feel I can't trust him and he was back with his wife at the time. What would you do?

 

Suffering Soulmate

 

 

Dear Fillet of Soul Girl,

 

Our hero, President Ron Reagan, once wrote to a heartbroken widow after WWII that there is no such thing as a soulmate, because the creator of the universe would never be so cruel as to father billions of children, only allow each individual no more than a single possible match, and then watch her desperate search against the odds to find that match or – having found him – watch as she grieves that man’s eventual loss and goes on to a life lacking the possibility of future romance.

 

Put another way, if you can love one man deeply, perhaps you can love another one.  Therefore, once the grieving process ends, you can move on and find a new love.

 

As wonderful as that sentiment sounds, there are two truths here.  One is that you aren’t apparently willing to go through the grief process.  That’s minor and can be fixed.  Your bigger problem is that you are in love with the unavailable man because he is unavailable.  This is how women are able to commune with the opposite sex while avoiding closeness or scary intimacy.  Odds are, if he left his wife, you’d freak out and find him suddenly much less attractive, and you’d find an excuse to unravel the relationship.

 

Proof – the wonderful man you are now seeing is just not doing it for you. But if he were hopelessly married to another woman, HE’d be your soul mate.

 

This is you, not him.  You need to look into yourself to find out what it is about a real relationship and true intimacy that frightens you so much.  I’d start with your relationship with your father.  Was there some betrayal there that led you to keep men at arm’s length?

 

If self-examination doesn’t work, please see someone who knows his way around the female heart and let him try to peek in there, because you are missing out on the most wonderful part of life – a real relationship.  Waking up next to the one you love and knowing he is crazy about you and would never betray your trust makes life worth living.

 

Good luck, honey.

 

PBAB