WHY GOD INVENTED MARITAL SEPARATION
Dear PBAB,
What should my next move be (aside from counseling please)? My husband and I have been arguing a lot lately. Verbally, we have been more cruel lately than in the past. I really don't like where we are headed. The past several days, we haven't even interacted like we should. He stays in one part of the house, and I in another. After some horrible things that have transpired, I was left feeling less than loved, so yesterday, I tried to get through to him, to let him know that I love him, and I just want us to have a healthy relationship. I initiated the conversation with, "do you love me?" That was as far as I was able to go. He said if he didn't love me, he wouldn't put up with all of this, and than proceeded to jump down my throat about not living up to my wifely duties, not cooking in the past three days (we just moved 4 days ago, I work and go to school both full time), and bla, bla, bla... I told him I did not imitate the conversation to insult him or to be insulted. He didn't say anything.
Signed, Loveless Loretta in Louisville
Dear Loveless,
Your next move should be to move again.
Read on, please.
If you leave, temporarily, even if it is the Motel 6, it creates two things.
First, it gives you solitude and peace enough to think. In your situation, you need to think, and the energy created by your husband is preventing that.
So think back to the beginning of your relationship and try to remember who you were then and how this man came to be your one and only, the one man who you singled out to forsake all others for, the one man who you were sure could love you above all.
Then think about who he was back then.
Then compare the people back then to now.
How did both of you change?
Why did both of you change?
How are you different? Is the difference growth, blooming into adulthood? Or have you influenced each other the way roots of juxtaposed trees do?
Has that influence been for the best?
Answer that honestly, as honestly as anything you've ever considered.
Second, being in a different space for two nights, two weeks, two months gives not only you clarity of thought, but it gives your husband the same.
He can then answer the same questions and consider the same things.
In the clear light of day, you must each come face to face with the frightening idea of what your lives would be without the other.
Three months from now all these answers will be yours if you have no contact with your husband.
Odds are, if your relationship is healthy, you will come together like newlyweds. If it is damaged, it can heal. But if the relationship is not right for you, you can gather the intelligence and the courage to do what you must do: disassemble the unhealthy relationship like compassionate adults.
I wish you well. Write me and tell me how it goes.
PBAB
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