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- TOXIC SHOCK
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March
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8 comments:
Marriage is a crazy-maker, an abusive little institution that only survives because we brainwash our children."
The above statement is sheer rhetorical nonsense. Marriage is not the problem, people are. We live in a society of disposability, out with the old, in with the new. And, we are all in a big damn rush, where patience and attention span have totally eroded. People just don't take the time to get to know each other anymore. We marry, and then we ask all the crucial questions that make for a compatible relationship. That's like buying a house without first seeing it and taking a walk-through. It's ridiculous.
Marriage is work, plain and simple. It's the joining of two different lives and spending the rest of your life merging them together. If people would simply talk openly and honestly when they were dating marriage wouldn't be the minefield it is today.
For most of the people who write to this blog, it's probably already too late, you've cast your pearls before the swine and come back smelling like dung. So go ahead, get your divorce, but next time choose more wisely, be patient, be honest, be candid, and stop looking through rose-colored glasses. A jackass in a tuxedo is still a jackass.
If dating and living together were the true answer to all relationships, then single people would be the happiest people on earth, but they aren't, most are totally miserable. Nearly every single person I have ever known has been desperately searching for Mr. or Ms. Right, that one person they want to call their soul mate, someone they can spend the rest of their lives with. Few people find that though, probably for some of the reasons I've already given.
So, is marriage a necessity, no. Can you be happy as a single or in a cohabitation arrangement, yes. The key is to be true to yourself. Will Shakespeare, as it turns out, was a very wise
....Will Shakespeare, as it turns out, was a very wise man indeed.
The quote was my own, based on my own experience. In my opinion, relationships keep people healthy and happy, but they all have limits. In my case, the limit is time. Human growth is exponential and we can't freeze our personalities, and we continue to move from caterpillar to butterfly. The trouble with marriage is that it makes the inevitable change of a relationship something that is ethically inviolable. If a woman leaves her husband or a husband "abandons" his wife, there is moral judgment from society in that. If you move on from a girlfriend or if she moves on from a boyfriend, society believes that is healthy. I submit to you, marriage is the problem, not the people in it.
To shy away from marriage because there are strings attached, commitments and responsibilities is exactly why people need to slow down and choose a mate more carefully. When you marry you take a vow and pledge your fidelity to another person for life. But, like so many other commitments we make in life, we're always looking for the loophole, a way out just in case we have a change of heart or things don't go the way we hoped and dreamed they would.
Henry VIII started the reformation, the break from Catholicism, because he wanted to divorce his wife, Catherine of Aragon. History is replete with examples of what people will do (especially men), to free themselves from vows and commitments. In contemporary times nothing has changed, we're all still looking over the fence where we're sure the grass is much greener. I'm sorry, I cannot subscribe to your interpretation of human relationships in regards to marriage. I still believe people are the problem, not the institution of marriage.
You've got to wonder -- why the need for all this commitment? Women can make their own way in the world. It's not like armed raiders will come by and take their virtue. Why can't people be together if it works? And separate if it doesn't? Besides, all the commitment you describe makes a prison out of marriage. Would you really want someone to stay with you because they'd taken a solemn vow, but had they not, they'd be gone? You'd want someone to "white knuckle it" to stay with you? Or alternately, you'd grit your teeth and force yourself to be with someone you despise?
It's not the people in the union, it is our expectations that someone met at age 25 will be our perfect mate for life.
No, of course I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship just for the sake of commitment. The kind of commitment I'm speaking of is sticking with someone when times are bad, as in sickness or financial troubles. I wouldn't want my wife to divorce me just because I lost my six figure income job. Alternatively, I would not divorce my wife because she gained weight and lost some of her sex appeal.
If one marries the right person I don't believe bumps, large or small, make that much of a difference. Further, I am not suggesting that divorce is never the correct path, because sometimes it definitely is. Rather, I am suggesting that all too often people opt out of marriage much too quickly, and for the pettiest of fleshly desires. Conversely, people often enter into marriage much too quickly.
If we marry only for wealth, prestige or sexual attraction it's a good bet that, like the house built upon the sand, the relationship will fail and crumble away. This is my point, the character of a marriage is absolutely based upon the character of the two people involved.
But what is divorce? Divorce is the mutual agreement of the two married people that the union no longer works. And in a relationship, if one of the two thinks it doesn't work, that relationship is over. Being "against divorce" is like being against winter. The seasons don't care that you oppose them. They just exist whether you recognize them or not.
Let's pose a test case. Your daughter marries. Three years later, she wants a divorce. Not because of abuse or vow violations on either side, but because she is simply unhappy. She grew in a different direction than he did (or failed to do). That's all. Let's further assume you love your daughter. Would you oppose and disapprove of the divorce?
I'm imagining you sitting right here saying, well, no, I wouldn't oppose it.
So there you go. You can't be "against divorce" but you can certainly be against marriage (because divorce works and marriage rarely works).
You're right, I'm sitting here thinking of my daughter and I would not oppose her getting a divorce for being unhappy in her marriage. Your logic rings true and I do see your point. Sometimes, people just simply fall out of love, something changes and the marriage is over.
I've been thinking of our debate here and I've been asking myself one question. When a marriage fails, I wonder, did those two people actually "like" each other?
When we marry, we certainly would say that we love the other person, but did we actually like them? I think love comes easier than liking someone. Does that sound stupid? I love my wife, but do I actually like her? Do I want to hang out with her for fun? Is she my best friend? Do I really enjoy talking to her, or am I just attracted to her when I'm horny? Does spending quality time with her mean, sex? Love is such a broad feeling. We love our dog, we love our parents, our kids, chocolate cake, etc. But what in our lives do we truly like? The concept of liking someone somehow seems more specific to me. I'll have to give this more thought.
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