Dear Playboy Author Boy,
I’m confused. I’ve been married 17yrs to a stubborn, controlling, arrogant ass. Should I jump overboard? He is a hard working husband who really works way too many hours. Very self-centered, negative all the time, controlling, expects me to do it all, he won't see a therapist, thinks we don't have any problems, and when he is depressed he spends a lot. I want to leave because I can't breath and he never helps out. He's never cheated (that I know of) except for looking at online videos. My tendencies are to always please others, keep the peace, don't rock the boat, try to be the peacemaker, I have small children and am holding out leaving him because of them but I am dying inside/miserable. I don't want to hurt them But I'm hurting myself. Tell me what I should do and when should I do it? I guess deep down I know what to do but don't have the balls to do it. Any words of wisdom?
Virgo in Virginia
Dear Virgo,
This happens to every marriage. It turns out that the man your ovaries are attracted to for procreation is totally unsuitable to be the guy you want to be married to post-children. I can't tell you how many times I've heard your story.
It has two endings. In one, the woman eventually leaves the guy, recovers from the toxicity of being married to someone incompatible, and eventually starts dating and rebuilding her life and then meets guys, dates guys, has sex with guys, gets good at selecting a guy for non-procreational relationships and lives happily ever after. In the other, the woman's soul dies a crushing death until she's a zombie. You've met a thousand women like this, women who take no joy in their marriage or their relationships, who put all their energy into work or causes or charity or politics or the kids until it is too late to move on. Sometimes zombies come back to life, about a year after the husband dies (let's hope of natural causes!).
One thing you should know. The longer you stay in a situation like this, the longer it takes to detox and the further out your future happiness is. If you know your life has led you to a cul-de-sac, the sooner you plan your way out and work your way out, the better you'll feel.
It takes a boat load of courage, though. Best thing to do is get a good friend who's been through it before. Don't know anyone? Internet is a great place to find someone who can guide you. A lot of people out there would be glad to help.
Good luck.
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