DEAR PLAYBOY AUTHOR BOY ~ THE CASE OF THE MISSING CHEMISTRY

DEAR PLAYBOY AUTHOR BOY ~ THE CASE OF THE MISSING CHEMISTRY

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

 I don’t understand it.  I go on a lot of first dates and I’ve had a lot of fun, but how can I get a boyfriend with my problem?  I don’t seem to sense any chemistry on my first dates.  Please help me!

 

Signed,

Chemistry-less in Toronto

 

Dear Chem-Less,

 

How do you select your dates on Match?  Do you put in "bald, fat, old men" or "tall, dark, handsome men" as a screening criteria?  Can you tell what you want by looking?

 

CHEM-LESS:  That’s the trouble.  I really don’t know what I like. 

 

PBAB:  Well, what did the last guy who made you tingle look like?

 

CHEM-LESS:  There wasn’t really any “last guy.”  So far no one really has gotten any chemistry from my end.

 

PBAB:  Tell me more about the process of your dating.

 

CHEM-LESS:  Well, I get winked at on Match, or I email someone because they have a funny profile.  We get to exchanging emails and I start getting attached to the person, especially if he’s funny.  Then we get kind of, I don’t know, involved, and then we talk on the phone, and a lot of times that leads to us getting closer, and then we go out on the first date.  Like I said, I have a good time, but I’m not good at sensing if a guy has chemistry for me.  And I just haven’t felt any chemistry for any guy I’ve dated.

 

PBAB:  By chemistry, you mean sexual attraction, right?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Right.

 

PBAB:  For a moment, forget the men you meet from Match.  What about men you see from your work life?  You’re in contact with men of a suitable age, right?  Regardless of whether they are available, certainly you see guys out there, right?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Yeah, I see guys all the time, and I suppose most women would get excited about some of them.

 

PBAB: But not you?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Right.

 

PBAB:  What about guys out and about?  Walking the streets of Toronto?  Don’t you see any attractive guys?

 

CHEM-LESS:  I just haven’t seen any guy I’m attracted to physically.  I suppose mentally I get attached, but I just don’t get that same attraction I expected to get.

 

PBAB:  I see.

 

CHEM-LESS:  What do you see?

 

PBAB:  Does any male actor on television give you a tingle?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Um, no, not really.

 

PBAB:  Oh.

 

CHEM-LESS:  So what does that mean?

 

PBAB:  It means you’re a lesbian.  How is it that you were married again, exactly?

 

CHEM-LESS:  How did you know I was married?

 

PBAB:  Just a guess.  When you were in college, did you ever fool around or make out with another female?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Just once, we were both drunk, we kissy-faced for a few hours.

 

PBAB:  Did you like it?

 

CHEM-LESS:  I barely remember it, I was too bombed.

 

PBAB:  Any other encounters with the same sex?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Well, I have a female friend who I’m close to.  We went on a vacation to California together, stayed in the same room.

 

PBAB:  I take it you didn’t see any males on that trip who turned you on, right?

 

CHEM-LESS:  That’s right.

 

PBAB:  Just wondering, does this female have the same problem?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Yeah.  I thought it might be something you could fix, because since she complained about it, I figured it was common.

 

PBAB:  Do you have any sexual fantasies about this woman?

 

CHEM-LESS:  No, but I’ve had pretty embarrassing dreams about her.

 

PBAB:  Are you religious?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Yes.  I’m very involved in the church.  And with my family.  No one would appreciate me coming out as a lesbian.

 

PBAB:  I don’t think I can help you.