DEAR PLAYBOY AUTHOR BOY ~ THE CASE OF THE COOLING GIRLFRIEND

DEAR PLAYBOY AUTHOR BOY ~ THE CASE OF THE COOLING GIRLFRIEND

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

I’m a 22 year old male and I had a lot of trouble dating.  I’m not sure why.  I’m good looking, in with the cool crowd, but girls always made me shy.  My younger brother is a total player and has always had awesome girlfriends (whom he regularly berated, mistreated, ignored and generally treated like they should serve him).  He says I have no idea what I am doing.  The problem?  I finally got a girlfriend, a tall, slender, smokin’ hot gorgeous specimen of a babe.  She’s the first true girlfriend I ever had, but up until recently she has been helping me make up for lost time.  My virginity finally disposed of, I was enjoying a great relationship with my girlfriend ”Gwen” when out of nowhere, things seem to be cooling down.  Gwen doesn’t complain much, but she’s not as interested in sex, seems less attentive, more irritable with me, and generally just not being that nice.  I don’t get it – I treat her like GOLD!!!  What is going wrong?  Is there another guy?  There’s something that doesn’t make sense here!  Please help me!

 

Signed,

Cooling Fast in Alaska

 

P.S. don’t ask me to consult with my brother.  He thinks Gwen isn’t that bright and he also thinks that it is actually the fact that I’m being nice to Gwen that is the problem.   I know my brother is successful with girls, but he doesn’t know me and he doesn’t know Gwen, and his advice seems like bullshit in this case!

 

Dear Uncooly Cooling Guy,

 

I really hate to be the one (or the second one) to deliver this news, but you are indeed being too nice to the girl, and that alone is driving her away.

 

To be successful with a woman, you must first understand the female reptilian brain.  In advanced humans, this center of the brain continues to influence behavior, no matter how evolved the female is.

 

In the case of a woman, her reptilian brain isgeared not just to her own survival, but to the survival of the species and her own offspring.  A woman is built to try to attract the biggest, strongest, healthiest mate who will fight for his own survival and thus will allow her to breed male offspring who will also be strong and healthy and fighters for dominion over the planet.

 

Here’s the answer – the nice guy CAN get that kind of love and worship from the female, but only if he plays to her reptilian brain.  Why?  Because her reptilian brain is saying in language she can’t ignore that you are an Alpha Male and must be pleased at all costs.  The minute you are nice to her and treat her like gold, although her rational brain will appreciate it, her reptilian brain will start to lose respect for you.  Once a woman starts to lose respect for the male, all the fun ends.  A woman CANNOT get horny for a guy she doesn’t respect.  And to keep her respect, the man must DISRESPECT her! 

 

Think of a female as someone who speaks a different language than you do. If you went to France, would it be “dishonest” or “playing games” to speak to non-English speaking residents in French?  Some would say so, because “honesty” is expressing themselves in English, but a very few, and you would say those people are morons.  No, speaking French to a non-English speaking Frenchman is entirely appropriate and attempts to accomplish the goal of communication.

 

In a relationship, communication is vital because we are each negotiating with the other party to get our needs met.  Absent needs that are met, the relationship breaks down.  You have a need to be loved and respected by the female, for instance.  That need isn’t being met.  So you must communicate with her that she is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated, and the best treatment a woman will give you is if she sees you as an Alpha Male.  Therefore, you must communicate with her that you are one.  Then the world will become level again.

 

Until then, even your girlfriend won’t know why, but she will feel herself losing respect for you and losing her attraction. Some women will just breakup with you then.  Others will wait for you to dump them and in the meanwhile, suck up your attention and your resources.  Still others will cheat on you with (you guessed it) an asshole, a jerk, a guy who treats her badly.

 

You have three choices. Act the asshole and keep the love of the woman.  Or “be honest” and keep doing “the right thing” the way Mommy taught you and lose the respect of the female and be doomed to being in crappy relationships.  Or give up being with women forever.

 

Let’s say that (finally) you have seen the light and only need help with the “how” rather than the “why.”  What now?

 

Don’t be so fucking nice.  Stop treating her like a princess.  Or like gold, as you say.  Start showing up late.  Go a day without calling her.  Occasionally berate her in front of her friends.  Be a jerk.  For days at a time, forget all about the female orgasm and just be selfish sexually.  Don’t go overboard, but if you just slightly mistreat the female, she will worship you.  You can just say that what she’s wearing isn’t sexy.  Or start being late and don’t explain why.  Or ogle other women in public and don’t apologize.  Your next fight?  Win it.  How?  Just at a point when normally you would use logic on her, just say, “fuck you” and walk out of the room and then don’t call her. Silence does wonders for keeping a woman insecure.  Use jealousy.  Tell her that your last girlfriend has been emailing you, that one woman who makes her a little off balance – and since Gwen is your first girlfriend and knows she is, you have to find someone she’s jealous of and start a conversation with the woman and mention that to Gwen.

 

I know it is counterintuitive, but odds are you’ve watched your successful brother mistreat women and get all kinds of female lovin’ for doing so.  You thought he was handsomer than you are, and he got girls to like him in spite of his jerky ways.  Wrong!  A woman will go for a jerky ugly guy before a nice handsome guy.  Why?  Because the female reptilian brain interprets “jerkiness” as “confidence” and “confidence” as “strength” and “strength” as “survivable” and “survivable” as “sexy” and “sexy” as “I want to fuck him right now.”

 

Sorry to make you lose your faith in humanity.  Turns out the feminists were wrong all along.  In Saudi Arabia, women are property.  A female project manager and engineer who is divorced can’t get a visa to go to a Saudi jobsite – why? – because she is neither the daughter of a man traveling into the country nor the wife of a man entering.  The Saudis publicly proclaim that females are “household property” (it’s on their official embassy website!). Yet Saudi women are not anxious to leave the Kingdom, nor are they refusing their husbands sex!  And some are educated and put up with this all the while.  Why?

 

Female reptilian brain.

 

If you said those three words yourself before reading them, then I have taught you something.

 

Now go out and tell her that her butt is fat, and if she tries to punish you, don’t call her for a few days, and meanwhile, chat up that chick she’s jealous of.

 

Inside a week, she’ll be blowing you while you watch football and all your beers will be fetched, ice cold, by your new sex slave.

 

Don’t thank me, son.  I’m just doin’ my job.

 

Playboy Author Boy

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO RECOVER FROM DIVORCE?

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO RECOVER FROM DIVORCE?

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

How long does it take to get over divorce?  I've heard people say that if you've been married ten years, the recovery will take five.  So, half the length of the marriage.  Is this true?  I've heard it can take even longer! I want my life back!  I can't imagine waiting years and years to feel like myself again!  Please help me,

Divorced in Detroit

Dear Detroit Divorcee,

I used to think I knew all the answers to this question.  I thought dating would be the way to forget.  I never dated much before the marriage, and after it ended I thought I would make up for lost time.

The end result was numbing the pain for a few years.  Perhaps that was a good thing.  When the pain did come I was stronger and had a loving girlfriend by my side.  But processing the pain eventually meant I lost her.

Have you heard of post-traumatic stress?  A present partner will do something that will remind you of your ex and it will set you off.  There I was, happy as a lark with my new girlfriend, when she put her hand on mine and asked if we could get married and live together.  I freaked out.  I went into a trance and spouted more anger in sixty seconds than I thought possible.  I tried to recover from that one bad moment but I never did.

A year and a lot of therapy later I met the woman I'm with today, and fortunately she's used to my post trauma issues, soothes the pain, and has her own post-divorce spazzes that I'm able to help her with.  But the point is, we are both too damaged after the divorce to consider marriage again.

So with hope I continue on.  Every so often I'll have a dream so real about my ex.  We're together and unhappy -- the nightmare -- or we're together back when we were mutually deeply in love -- and then waking is the nightmare.

Bottom line is that divorce is like surviving a heart transplant.  Eventually you can heal and approach a normal life, but the scars remain and your health is more fragile.  You are never really the same  as you were before.  There is hope but there is also damage right beneath the surface.

I see this in the eyes of every single person who tells their divorce story.  It is almost universal now.

I take heart in that the only pain that is worse is the pain of being in a loveless marriage which eats away at you like a cold acid.  Divorce may be awful, but with time it fades to the occasional nightmare and an ache brought on by a memory.  It can be part of the background.  Always there, but no longer what you are about.

Courage,
PBAB

DEAR PLAYBOY AUTHOR BOY ~ THE CASE OF THE MISSING CHEMISTRY

DEAR PLAYBOY AUTHOR BOY ~ THE CASE OF THE MISSING CHEMISTRY

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

 I don’t understand it.  I go on a lot of first dates and I’ve had a lot of fun, but how can I get a boyfriend with my problem?  I don’t seem to sense any chemistry on my first dates.  Please help me!

 

Signed,

Chemistry-less in Toronto

 

Dear Chem-Less,

 

How do you select your dates on Match?  Do you put in "bald, fat, old men" or "tall, dark, handsome men" as a screening criteria?  Can you tell what you want by looking?

 

CHEM-LESS:  That’s the trouble.  I really don’t know what I like. 

 

PBAB:  Well, what did the last guy who made you tingle look like?

 

CHEM-LESS:  There wasn’t really any “last guy.”  So far no one really has gotten any chemistry from my end.

 

PBAB:  Tell me more about the process of your dating.

 

CHEM-LESS:  Well, I get winked at on Match, or I email someone because they have a funny profile.  We get to exchanging emails and I start getting attached to the person, especially if he’s funny.  Then we get kind of, I don’t know, involved, and then we talk on the phone, and a lot of times that leads to us getting closer, and then we go out on the first date.  Like I said, I have a good time, but I’m not good at sensing if a guy has chemistry for me.  And I just haven’t felt any chemistry for any guy I’ve dated.

 

PBAB:  By chemistry, you mean sexual attraction, right?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Right.

 

PBAB:  For a moment, forget the men you meet from Match.  What about men you see from your work life?  You’re in contact with men of a suitable age, right?  Regardless of whether they are available, certainly you see guys out there, right?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Yeah, I see guys all the time, and I suppose most women would get excited about some of them.

 

PBAB: But not you?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Right.

 

PBAB:  What about guys out and about?  Walking the streets of Toronto?  Don’t you see any attractive guys?

 

CHEM-LESS:  I just haven’t seen any guy I’m attracted to physically.  I suppose mentally I get attached, but I just don’t get that same attraction I expected to get.

 

PBAB:  I see.

 

CHEM-LESS:  What do you see?

 

PBAB:  Does any male actor on television give you a tingle?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Um, no, not really.

 

PBAB:  Oh.

 

CHEM-LESS:  So what does that mean?

 

PBAB:  It means you’re a lesbian.  How is it that you were married again, exactly?

 

CHEM-LESS:  How did you know I was married?

 

PBAB:  Just a guess.  When you were in college, did you ever fool around or make out with another female?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Just once, we were both drunk, we kissy-faced for a few hours.

 

PBAB:  Did you like it?

 

CHEM-LESS:  I barely remember it, I was too bombed.

 

PBAB:  Any other encounters with the same sex?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Well, I have a female friend who I’m close to.  We went on a vacation to California together, stayed in the same room.

 

PBAB:  I take it you didn’t see any males on that trip who turned you on, right?

 

CHEM-LESS:  That’s right.

 

PBAB:  Just wondering, does this female have the same problem?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Yeah.  I thought it might be something you could fix, because since she complained about it, I figured it was common.

 

PBAB:  Do you have any sexual fantasies about this woman?

 

CHEM-LESS:  No, but I’ve had pretty embarrassing dreams about her.

 

PBAB:  Are you religious?

 

CHEM-LESS:  Yes.  I’m very involved in the church.  And with my family.  No one would appreciate me coming out as a lesbian.

 

PBAB:  I don’t think I can help you.

DEAR PLAYBOY AUTHOR BOY (THE CASE OF THE EMPTY VAGINA)

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

I have a fuckbuddy.  I call him Blue-Blue because he has piercing blue eyes and for the first two weeks of our association I left him hopelessly blue-balled – we laugh about that now, because for the last two months I’ve been taking VERY good care of him.

 

I realized early, however, that Blue-Blue wasn’t a long term relationship partner.  We each had some hopes but because of several incompatibility issues and diverging interests, we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend.  That said, I love his company and I love fucking him.  I enjoy his phone calls and live to see an email from him.  His calls and emails are frequent but too short.  I know it is an odd relationship to start with, because I feel sometimes like I want more from him when he wants less from me, and often it is the other way around.  But invariably we spend either Saturday or Friday night together in bed, and it is fantastic.

 

I still date.  For example, I was going to New York City to see a friend and meet a new guy who at first seem scrumptious enough to fuck on sight but on second thought is probably just getting the kiss on the cheek treatment.  So when I realized that NYC Boy was a dud, I called up Blue-Blue and asked him if he wanted me to come back early from my NYC trip and see him Saturday night.

 

That fucker! He went into a list of excuses about how it didn’t matter either way, making me feel like he wasn’t that into me!  I’m so furious I’m seeing red over it even asI write this!  He probably has some little whore all lined up to be fucking him while I’m away in the city, that asshole!

 

Moreover, Blue-Blue likes football so much he has season tickets to his college team and the local pro team and he parties and tailgates all the damned time.  I think he should just stay home and watch the games on television from his nice, warm girlfriend’s bed.  I’ve even offered to serve him like a wench and suck his cock during time outs so he won’t miss any of the game (and I get my protein shake!).  What does he do?  He gives me a thousand excuses about how much he loves football and won’t give it up for me.

 

So, PBAB, what should I do?  Dump him?  Sit him down and unload a piece of my mind?  Wait for him to see that I’m amazing?  Become unavailable so he realizes what a great female he’s missing out on?  What???

 

Love,

Empty Vagina Beach Chick

 

Dear Empty,

 

 

I’m not so sure it’s primarily your vagina that’s empty!  Let me get the facts straight:

 

1.     You’re not that into this guy.

2.     He’s not that into you.

3.     You both enjoy fucking and hanging out.

4.     He loves his sports and wants to see them whenever he can.

5.     Although you love having sex with him, you feel free to fuck whomever you want, whenever you want.

6.     Although you know he loves having sex with you, you expect him to be faithful to this “nonrelationship” and get pissed at the idea of him fucking some other whore.

 

The above “fact pattern” leads to the answer that you are a spoiled brat princess who is so narcissistic that you think that other people are mere objects for your pleasure.  You are acting like a male college sophomore who just discovered his player game and has learned how to bed females, but is horrified at the thought of the girl he’s fucking on Monday nights having sex with anyone else.

 

This is a phase to grow out of. 

 

As an experiment, I challenge you to try to be emotionally honest with this guy.  This is apparently hard for you.  How do I know?  If Blue-Blue had heard honest things from you, he wouldn’t be pissing you off.  Oddly, this guy seems more into you than you claim.  He bends over backwards to avoid angering you, even to the point of trying to let you have fun in NYC without seeming clingy to you.  I seriously doubt that guy has enough game to be seeing other women, and since you are so openly jealous of other women, he wouldn’t be hooking up with you and other females unless he’s in it for the thrill of seeing if you catch him, and that’s not his vibe.

 

In any case, make up your mind how you feel about this guy independent of how he treats you.  Evaluate the man on absolute metrics rather than fuzzy emotional ones.  And try to avoid (a) excessive submissiveness with emotional dishonesty and (b) being controlling.  Tell the man how you feel and let him decide whether he wants to see you or go to his tailgate parties.

 

And lighten up on the guy loving his hobbies.  This is one reason why marriages fail.  Be happy that he has some joy in his life separate from you.

 

Finally, I don’t believe for a second that this guy doesn’t truly matter to you.  This is more than just your little princess ego.  You truly care about the guy and are having trouble being honest with yourself about it.  That’s the most damaging lie, the one you tell yourself.

 

Good luck and keep me up to date, and here’s a drink to that empty vagina of yours getting filled. 

 

As ever,

Playboy Author Boy

 

 

 

DEAR PLAYBOY AUTHOR BOY (THE CASE OF THE GIANT CLAM)

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

I’m a middle-aged, divorced, very horny female with a problem.  I can’t seem to get a willing man in my life.

 

I was in a long term relationship with a man who ended the relationship suddenly, moved out and disappeared.

 

Since then I’ve been desperate for male company.  My female neighbor was in the same situation as I’m in, and now she has a tall, dark, handsome, intensely sexual boyfriend and is happily exhausted from being with him.  I want that! 

 

The worst thing is, I’ve been seeing a male friend I’ve known for ages who has been getting very flirtatious with me.  The last time he was here, the lights were low, we were drinking wine, he started kissing me, and then he left.  I ask you:  why didn’t he take me upstairs and FUCK MY BRAINS OUT????

 

Please help me Playboy Author Boy.  I’m afraid I have a black cloud over me and that I will never get laid again, much less experience a good relationship!

 

Signed,

Name Deleted by Request Girl

 

 

Dear Deleted,

 

In past situations I’ve asked women to experiment with being more sexually aggressive.  Many females have the impression that if they take the lead in a sexual situation, it will somehow deflate the man’s hardon and he will run for the door.

 

In fact, that does truly happen but only in about 20% of the male population, and those 20% are pussies who are no damned good in bed anyway.  So why would a female care whether she sent a man scurrying for the hills?  It would appear to be a damned good test to see if a guy could be a good lover.

 

The problem with this theory is when itis applied to a dear, lifelong friend as you’ve described.  The man is most likely getting cold feet because he doesn’t want to ruin a good friendship.  Friends who love you are damned rare and can’t be easily replaced.

 

Fuckbuddies, however, CAN be easily replaced.

 

Here’s the thing – men respond to sexual women.  They just do.  In a romantic situation, there is little that a woman can do wrong if she is sexually aggressive.  Women worry that female aggressiveness will make penises soft.  But even if that happens, no penis can withstand a woman who loves it with her mouth and hands, not for long.  (The exception to this rule is if there is any resentment between the couple, which can make a penis soft no matter what, or a serious incompatibility.)  The bright side is that sexual incompatibility should be discovered early rather than after months of nurturing a quasi-relationship that will be stillborn.

 

Therefore, I heartily recommend the “mating call of the giant clam” technique, from the old joke where you ask, what’s the mating call of the giant clam?  Answer:  (cross your arms over your face to make a clam, then open them and shout) “wanna fuck???”

 

If you are in the arms of a guy and you want to have sex with him, go ahead and whisper in his ear, “fuck me now, so hard I forget my name.”  Or simply, “I need you to fuck me now.”  Or rip his clothes off and start sucking his cock, take your clothes off and jump on his cock.

 

If the result of that is an intimidated male who withdraws, pouts, cries or leaves, you’ve successfully identified a pussy, a man who lacks the masculinity to please you in bed in the future.  What sexual woman would want to waste another ounce of effort on the likes of him?

 

If your friend wanted to keep the friendship platonic, he would not have kissed you.  Therefore, he is fair game for sexual aggressiveness.  If you find yourself in his arms again and he’s not fucking you, take the wheel and drive him to Fuck Town yourself.  He’ll stay for the ride, and who knows, you may be in for the ride of your life.

 

Meanwhile, never put all your eggs in one basket.  Get yourself onto Match.com, MySpace, Yahoo personals (avoid Eharmony, it is a rip off) and possibly J-Date, and get out there to polish your skills with the opposite sex.  Dating is like driving.  It just takes hours behind the wheel to get good at.  Dating is such a numbers game that to find the lid for your pot, you have to go through a lot of cabinets.  And enjoy yourself while you do!

 

Let me know how it goes!

 

Be bad,

Playboy Author Boy

DEAR PLAYBOY AUTHOR BOY

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

My daughter likes to think she is in charge of my dating.   I told her I was going to sign up for match.com or eharmony. Her response-"No, we can't afford that. Myspace is free w/ new guys everyday". later last night we were looking at newer signups on myspace & she said I better get a boyfriend real soon while I still look good...better join a dating site- not much to pick from on myspace. She met the cute single guy I mentioned that lives in my townhouse community last weekend & when I told her that I was not sure he was my type (I did not sense a modicum of   creativity), my daughter said I was way too picky ; he is a successful businessman and obviously intelligent, makes good money...What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless

 

Dear Clueless,

 

The acid test (for females) of "chemistry" is "do I feel a compelling desire to kiss him?"  If not, stay away.  Most of you girls were not taught this and have suffered.  In this chapter 2, the women who screen guys for things they want (job, parenting, etc.) and evaluate chemistry by the kiss test do well.  Other women get confused and date perpetually because they can't decide why they have no energy in the relationship.

 

Listen, bottom line, the difference between the kind of love that arises from true friendship and the kind of love you build a romantic relationship from is one thing and one thing only -- sex.  Take a great romantic relationship and remove the sex (including sexual and romantic jealousy) and you have a best friend situation.  As for me, I adore friends and I love meeting new ones and learning new things.  But unlike females, I do not confuse friend candidates with relationship candidates.

 

Males are soooo much better at this than females because you guys race for the finish line to get pregnant inside the white picket fence before you're 23.  Meanwhile, we're trying to figure out who can go the distance in a love affair based on sex and then personality and character.  Females equate character with romantic desirability.  Not true.

 

So the next time your daughter or any other third party asks you to date some guy based on character and personality, remember -- if he doesn't pass the kissing test, he can only be an acquaintance or business associate or friend.  Not someone whose cum you want to swallow.

 

Hope you get this down.

 

Happy playing and be bad,

Playboy Author Boy

THINGS THAT ARE MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN SEX

THINGS THAT ARE MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN SEX

 

1. Breathing

 

2. Health of the children

 

3. Happiness of the children

 

4. Construction career

 

5. Writing career (though the amount of time I’ve spent chasing sex instead of finishing the overdue book makes me rethink this one)

 

6. There is no sixth thing.  Sex is that important.

THE RIGHT STUFF ~ OR ~ HOW YOU REALLY FIND A RELATIONSHIP ON THE INTERNET

First step, figure out exactly, and I mean exactly, what you want.  Bald, corporate hair, thinning hair, long hair, ponytail, doesn't matter.  Fat face, thin face, monkey face, doesn’t matter.  Blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes, gray eyes, doesn't matter.  Tall, medium, short, no matter.  Obese, fat, overweight, chunky, stocky, solid, muscular, athletic, slender, bony, no matter.  Astrological, career, and every single dimension that Match lists.  Print out a search criteria page and mark it up.  Think about the last guy who made your heart and your loins sing!

 

Reason -- chemistry.  Each one of those is something that could kick you out of your feelings!  So don't take the choices lightly!  And if you are hit on by someone who doesn't meet the chemical requirements, do not -- repeat -- do not go out with them.  I mean it, missy.

 

Second step, the analysis of what you need in personality.  The five dimensions are:

 

* Sexuality (I put this first, others put it fifth, there ya go).  This applies to how we fuck each other and how often.  It goes to sexual expressivity and passion and thermostat.  This is one thing that can kill an otherwise good relationship.

 

* Personality.  Self-explanatory.

 

* Life control.  Is he divorced or fighting for his life in a thermonuclear conflict with the ex?  Is he happy in his child visitation, or treating kids like bargaining chips?  Are his finances under control or is he borrowing money from you?  What's his house like?  His car?  All these reflect how he sees himself and thus give you a peek into his deeper levels.

 

* Family.  How is his relationship with his family of origin?  Happy, or did they drive him to the hospital for the criminally insane?  How about with his kids?  Is there abundant love or wars?  Are his parents too close and too controlling, and does he regress to being five years old when he talks to Mommy Dearest?

 

* Career.  Is he the wildly successful surgeon with the turbo Porsche and the five million dollar home, or is he living in a studio apartment heating his food with a hotplate?  Is he a bestselling author or an entrepreneur or a 9-to-5er?  Does he operate a dump truck or a global conglomerate?  Is the sexy cop with the gun and handcuffs who fucks like a jackhammer but has little money to blow on you, or a sensitive poet who cries when he reads Thoreau but has a fifteen million dollar trust fund to play with?  These things speak to how our boy Tarzan brings the kill to the cave.  You can be as 21st century as you please, but a failure in this category will kick you out of your feelings.

 

You may be ahead of me already.  The 5 categories above, I lied.  They aren't categories of selection, they are categories of FATAL FLAWS.  I didn't say that at first because it sounds so mean, but you already know when you have a strong preference on any one of these, and it can kill a relationship if the boy doesn't have the right stuff.

 

Third step, field hits from the boys and hit on the ones you find that you like.  Watch for fatal flaws and don't waste time with a boy who has one.  Also don't waste time with a boy who doesn't meet the Chemical Selection Criteria.  Narrow your focus to the boys who have The Right Stuff and no fatal flaws.

 

Decide now if you are a player or a serious relationship candidate.  The difference is only in one thing -- would you "forsake all others" for this individual?  If not, just date him and have fun.

 

Final word, I advise you to avoid at all cost men who don't meet your Chemical Selection Criteria and who have fatal flaws.  That is the road to heartache.  Just don't do it.  Better to masturbate than to fuck one of them.  Trust me, this comes from bitter experience from dating the rotten fruit and from being someone else's rotten fruit.

 

Now get out there and flirt.  Best of luck.

IN THE QUEUE

IN THE QUEUE

 

As any male on the make will tell you, it can take some time to warm a woman up to the point of her wanting to go out with you or have sex with you.  Successful players are either men of extreme patience, men who have available fuckbuddies, or men who keep many women in various stages of dating.  For example, while a man is hitting on girl one, he is on the phone with girl two, finalizing plans for a date with girl three, clinking glasses with girl four, making a second date with girl five, and on a third date with girl six having sex with her for the first time.  Because good sex is rare and relationship chemistry even more rare, odds are that the player will be disapointed, so his search does not end in sexual communion but more likely simply continues.  Girl six is dropped from the roster.  Girl five is promoted to bed mate. Girl four is asked on a second date -- or perhaps not.  Girl three is met at the candlelit table for good or ill.  Girl two is invited out, Girl one is called on the phone, and the computer has yielded a new prospect to hit on with an email.  Eventually, the player hopes to find one woman worth making permanent, or perhaps the game itself is too enticing.

 

See for yourself with these samples of the girls in my queue:

 

 

 

JEALOUS JUDY GIRL

 

Gorgeous, stunning, and very sexy.  Obviously, she’d be great as a girlfriend from a chemical point of view.  But she’s a total CIA agent.  None of her stories add up.  She has a Connecticut cell phone area code, a house in Florida, but lives with her mother a hundred miles away from me?  And yet she’s annoyed that I haven’t committed to her.  I haven’t even dated her yet!  And oh, by the way?  She’s totally lying about her age…

 

GONE WITH THE WIND DOESN’T ANSWER PHONE CALLS GIRL

 

A Southern girl with a smooth-as-silk accent, and let’s face it, a female deep South accent will create a boxer shorts flagpole.  She’s got the big job and the Sunday-all-day-working thing going on, and I’m sure the Match server can barely keep up with her incoming winks and emails, and yet, she lives right in my town, and – get this, SHE winked at ME!!! And she’s 35, isn’t that great!!!  Uh oh, she’s 35 – could this be the Biological Clock Effect (one woman, whom I accused of having a biological clock kicking in, yelled at me:  “I do NOT have my biological clock going off!  I just want to have children!!!  As soon as POSSIBLE!!!”)?  Ah well, no matter, I told her I’ve been to the vet and I’m fixed.

 

LAURA PETRI GIRL

 

Is that hair real?  She’s sultry, beautiful, has a gorgeous voice and a sexy brain, and oh-my-God that body! But she loves controlling, jerky psychos.  It’s an implied insult that she likes me.  Is it freakish that she was honest about her age?

 

NOT READY LEO GIRL

 

She claims to be Black Irish yet acts like the Jewish girls I dated.  “How many books published?  What’s the price per unit?  What’s your cut?”  I could hear her calculator beeping and printing the tape.  “That’s a few million dollars,” she says.  Oh my God, if she’s looking for gold here, she’d better turn in her prospecting kit.  She screams she’s ready for a relationship despite all the female player signs.  I asked if she liked me.  Yes, of course, she said.  In the middle of her impassioned speech about how there were a few guys with whom she had “this immediate, smoking, compelling chemistry, where I couldn’t figure out whose clothes I wanted to rip off first,” I asked her if she felt chemistry with me.  She shrugged.  “I mean, we’ve only been out on, like, two dates, like, whatever!”  By the way, she also lied about her age.

 

 

SEX ON THE FIRST DATE

This just in from a gorgeous 33-year old blonde I dated once.  Months later I saw her on Match again and I sent her a note wishing her well.  This is her story:

 

 

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

Please help me. i'm having major self esteem issues at the moment. i was supposed to have three dates this weekend -- friday night, saturday lunch, saturday night. i hit it off SO well with my friday night date -- i meant great. we had dinner, played pool, made out. he gave me the `i'm lonely, you're lonely' line and i was like, he's right. what the hell.he convinced me to stay over. i didn't have sex with him.

 

next day he convinced me to cancel my lunch date, we spent the day at the park, the gym, a festival. then he convinced me to cancel my saturday night date. we went out for drinks with my girlfriend and her husband, had a blast. went back to his house and i couldn't help myself. i had great sex with him. haven't had sex in months, it was just awesome.

 

next morning, i don't know, i guess i was just doubting my decision, i got out of there early. he called later to tell me it was the best weekend he'd had in so long, he couldn't wait to see me again. told me how beautiful sexy, fun, smart i was. so what's my problem today. why am i doubting myself still, actually wondering if he's gonna call, if he still wants me. come on, Dr. Sex. talk to me.

 

Love,

Sexy Blonde Writer Girl

 

 

Dear Sexy Writer Girl,

 

Hey gorgeous, I like the "Dr. Sex" even better, but all my relationship advice is under Playboy Author Boy...

 

Every once in a while, when recovering from a marriage, you have to find someone safe and let it out.  Like when you get a new car, it's nice to find a deserted strip of two lane blacktop and punch it as hard as it'll go.  When you came back down again, it feels so good, you're heart's pounding and you're alive again.  So it is with a good connection.

 

An instant chemistry like you described is rare and amazing.  Sometimes there's more to it, and a great relationship can result.  Other times, it is so attractive because it is "safe" in the sense that a part of you knows you'll never see the guy again because you know something is missing for the long haul.

 

Since you pulled away first, I'd imagine that you realized that rule of Match that says full-body sex on the first date means either you're in love forever or you'll never see the guy again.

 

My advice is to keep dating yet keep in touch with this guy and see how you feel.  If you're not sure, see him again.  If nothing else, spend a few months airing out your soul with head-banging sex.  If you feel you can have more with him, allow yourself to feel and let yourself fall in love with him.

 

Don't fear the rebound relationship.  The conventional wisdom is both right and wrong.  They always happen and they always hurt -- that's the true part.  The falsehood is that they can be avoided.  Until you have a good, hard rebound, you cannot move on.  I know people who are in suspended animation for seven going on eight years because they won't let themselves into a rebound situation for fear of getting hurt.  All they're doing is condemning themselves to limbo.  It's like pulling off a band-aid.  Get it over with.

  

Your admirer, though not-so-secretly,

 

PBAB

SEX AUDITION PART 1

SEX AUDITION:  In Search of the Faithful Nymphomaniac

 

 

 

The following qualities generally represent several dimensions of female sexuality that are desired by the author.  It is recognized that categories overlap.

 

1.                     LUST

 

                        Feminine lust is highly desired.  Evidence that a woman is lustful may include masturbation habits, speech, an overly macho ex-husband or ex-boyfriend in her past, aggressively sexual dress, or there may beno evidence at all outside the bedroom.

 

2.                     AVAILABILITY

 

                        Availability refers to how easy it is for a man to get his female partner to consent to sex, referenced in the “stable” phase of a relationship, after the initial mutual lust has somewhat cooled.  High availability is desired.

 

3.                     SLUTTINESS

 

                        Overt form of female lust, the ability to express her desire to fuck and be fucked.  May include manner of dress, speech, attitude, or may be completely invisible to the naked eye.  Sufficient sluttiness is desirable, but too much may result in an overabundance of male attention for the wrong reason.

 

4.                     GENEROSITY / SELFISHNESS

 

                        Does she do things for her partner that don’t benefit her?  Examples:  blowjobs, DJ’s* SOJ’s**, handjobs, etc.  Does satisfying her partner satisfy her?  Will she indulge an odd fetish of her guy?  With relish, because it pleases him?

 

(* DJ’s are “dildo jobs” in which a woman penetrates the male anus with a dildo, usually done while manipulation of the penis.)

 

(** SOJ’s are “strap-on jobs” in which a woman dons a strap-on dildo and fucks the male in the rectum.)

 

5.                     PLAYFULNESS

 

                        Does she see sex as simple fun?  As a way to relax?

 

6.                     SEX DRIVE

 

                        How often does lust happen to her?  Does she climb the walls after 2 days without sex?  Does she initiate?  Does she see that if he doesn’t “get any,” neither does she?

 

7.                     CREATIVITY

 

                        What does she do to craft a unique sexual encounter?  Is sex the same every time?  Does she dress up?  French maid outfits?  Cat suits?  Stiletto boots?  Push-up bras and crotchless panties?

 

8.                     EXPRESSIVITY

 

                        Does she express herself romantically through sex?  Does sucking a cock let her express her love as surely as a deep kiss?

 

9.                    BODY UNDERSTANDING -- HERS

 

                        Does she know how to cum?  Does she know what makes her cum?  Can she communicate that to her guy?

 

10.                    BODY UNDERSTANDING - HIS

 

                        Does she know how to make a guy in general and her guy in particular cum?  Is she good at it?  Does she love it?  Can she be depended upon to satisfy?

 

11.                    ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE

 

                        Can she educate a man on what makes her cum?  Is she too shy to speak up?

 

12.                    SEXUAL INTELLIGENCE

 

                        Can she be taught what her wants/needs to make him cum?  Is performing “69” like walking and chewing gum at the same time?

 

13.                    BOLDNESS

 

                        Is she afraid or brazen?  (Boldness is next to godliness.)  Does she see an opportunity for sexual happiness and go for it?