I THOUGHT HUBBY WAS CHEATING...BUT WITH HIMSELF?!

This is kind of embarassing, but I really need to say something. I think my husband is actually addicted to masturbating!!!!

 

I know he used to invest money in special "stuff" (toys, meds, etc...) for doing that when he was single. Although I thought that was strange, I thought it was over since he was with me. That was 3 years ago.

 

We've been having a lot of problems lately, and he's been going out of his way to hide things from me- clearing computer history, locking his truck with the keys in it so I can't get in (I searched and there was nothing there), clearing text messages, etc... eventually, I found one thing he had been hiding- a new "toy" right next to the computer with the cleared history! He had been rushing home from work anytime he knew I wasn't there and using it. He has been complaining often that I don't leave the house while he's there.

 

I thought he was having an affair, but I wasn't expecting THIS! A couple times when I've fallen asleep downstairs or he's thought I was up for the day and wouldn't be back in the bedroom, I have come back in to find him with his hand....there. Or running to the bathroom to wash up in the middle of the night! It's not that we don't have sex often because I don't want to...it's as if he's lost interest in me due to his "hobby"!

 

What IS this?! Is this an actual addiction thing? He says there is no porn involved, but I know that's not true. I confronted him only once about what I found, and he got very upset and embarassed then blamed me for not sleeping with him enough. When he did this stuff before we were together, I mentioned it once in passing as a joke and he said "Don't talk about that. I'm not proud of it." He's hiding it all from me and it's as if he's having an affair with HIMSELF!!!!

 

 

 

 

He is a sex addict and contrary to media opinion, sex addiction is so rare that many professionals don't believe it exists. However, those who believe in it see it everywhere, while those who don't dismiss cases like your husband's as "normal" or that you need to "spice things up in the bedroom."

First, the only thing you are doing wrong or have done wrong is that you picked this guy.

Second, his behavior is an addiction no less than alcoholism, and just like that very real disease, there is no real cure other than an AA group. People have various opinions on this, but a true sex addict after sex addicts' anonymous isn't really normal sexually ever. It would be like trying to let an alcoholic only drink beer -- eventually he's going through three cases a day. It's never enough. You can eliminate alcohol from a person's life and you can eliminate sex from it too, but that person is no longer normal enough to have a life with.

I recommend you consider ending this marriage and your relationship to this poor soul and engineer a way to move on with your life, and consider also getting some counseling to find out why this man became attractive to you and why you didn't see the signs that he was a sex addict.

Best of luck.

INFIDELITY IS THE CRY OF THE SOUL TO BE SET FREE FROM THE RELATIONSHIP

 

Dear Author Guy,

I saw an answer you gave to a guy who said his wife was "supposedly" cheating on him. And you used a line that really raised my eyebrow:

"Infidelity is the cry of the soul to be set free from the relationship."

Could this apply if a married woman were sending another man flirtatious emails?

Some feel that these kind of emails are cheating.  Is this infidelity?  Would you assume that she wants very much to be with the guy she is flirting with?

Thank you for your time.

Groovy Guy

 

Dear Groovster,

I stand by my immortal line, "Infidelity is the cry of the soul to be set free from the relationship."

The form taken by the infidelity matters little.  Here are some subtle examples of cheating.  All these are communications between the married woman suspect and a man she lusts for, but the parallel exists for men:

* business dinners with the client including many drinks and sultry glances

* talking emotional specifics about her relationship in a manner of complaint

* wishing aloud she were free

* talking details about the kind of sex she likes

* flirting to the point that both parties know that in the right circumstances, sex would ensue

Men can engage in the same emotional disloyalty.  For men, signing onto chat rooms and talking about sex to presumed other women is a subtle cheat, as is signing on as a guest to sex dating sites.  For an unusual example, consider the sex-starved husband I knew who went to X-rated bookstores to go to the peep show booths so that he could get a glory-hole blowjob from another man.  It wasn't that the guy was gay, it was that he was so hard up that he needed action, and this seemed an easy way to get blown with no strings attached and no long approach needed to warm up a woman.

Whatever the means, these subtle cheats are no different than fucking the next door neighbor.  They are disloyal to the relationship.

I do not speak in the tone of judgment or condemnation you might think.  I have been a cheater myself.  The issue is the relationship.

If you find yourself in obvious or subtle cheating, you need to confront the fact that YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOTWORKING.  If it were, other men or other women would notbe alluring.

Think back to the honeymoon.  You didn't even notice that cutie on the beach eyeing you.  Compare that to now.  Quite a difference, isn't it?

What does one do now?

A lot of thinking.  Unlike many therapists, I do not believe that marital rifts can be healed.  By the time a relationship problem shows up in the symptom of cheating, it is too late.  When in the face of lacking sex, resentment against the ungiving partner builds up to the point that even if she or he suddenly changed and became sexual again, it would be too late.

My advice?  Separation.  It gives both parties time to think.  It gives both people the room to breathe and decide what happens next.  Sometimes the period of separation can be a place for recovery of the relationship, but more often, separation lets both people realize the love is over.

Separation links for those who haven't explored on the web:

http://www.womansdivorce.com/how-to-file-for-a-legal-separation.html

 

http://www.womansdivorce.com/separation.html

 

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/usstatedivorcelaws/a/fla_laws.htm

 

http://www.uslegalforms.com/fl/FL-DO-10A.htm

Good luck.

PBAB

THE CURSE OF THE DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP

CURSE OF THE DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

Is having habitual dysfunctional and bad relationship a curse? Or something I am putting out there?  I feel that I often want to see the good in a person even when there isn't any. In return for opening up I am left hurt time and time again... why do we allow people to affect our emotions like this? Am I abnormal?

Abby Normal

 

Dear Abby,

A shrink would explore your relationship with your father. Odds are, it was defective. A long term course of psychotherapy with an older, male therapist might yield results. Or it might put his kids through school. Either way.

The other alternative is to try to change your relationship style. Screen the men on the front end more. Make a list of "must haves." Make another list of "fatal flaws." I find myself explaining the second rather than the first. "Must have" qualities need work too, as they are more than just sexual or romantic lust type things. Think about the character you want in a man, the ethics. It's not enough to say he must be a doctor, as there are psycho screwed up doctors out there. Think instead things like integrity, compassion to kids and animals, lover of art, that kind of thing. Make your own list. For things that he is missing, ask whether he can develop. Give him a deadline to improve. If he doesn't, remember, the lack of a "must have" is a "fatal flaw."

Fatal flaws include alcoholism, racism, chronic unemployment, addiction to drugs, violent behavior, etc. A fatal flaw must never be forgiven. If you have a fatal flaw about education (he must have a degree to be your guy) then do not accept a man who is "almost" at his degree. He could stop school, and then you would be with a man with a fatal flaw. Similarly, if he hits you just once, that is a fatal flaw if violent behavior is a fatal flaw to you (it should be, but to some women it is not, go figure).

You will burn through a lot of candidates this way but dating is a numbers game. Get on Match dot com (the other services are not for people who actually want to date, such as Yahoo personals and e-Harmony -- they are for people thinking about eventually maybe wouldn't it be great if dating). Keep brief records of the men.

Guy One, Environmental Attorney Boy, had all must haves except love of pets, had one fatal flaw (hated his mother). No second date.

Guy Two, Mechanic Boy. Had all must haves. Had no fatal flaws on first date. On second date found out he's been married twice before, which is one of my fatal flaws. Had to let him go.

Note, by doing this, you will attain better understanding of yourself and therefore your must have list and your fatal flaw list.

The key to connection is disconnection. Be ruthless about not wasting time with those who don't meet your needs.

Good luck.

PBAB

ANOTHER DIVORCE STORY ~ WITH A TWIST

I knew this guy.  He was the richest man I've ever shaken hands with.  I was aboard his yacht in the New York City Wall Street yacht basin.  It was huge.  He was pointing out the autopilot and how it worked with the GPS navigation system.  Back then it cost five grand to fill up the fuel tanks.

He founded and ran a huge Wall Street consulting company.  It carried his name.  It made him tens, perhaps hundreds of millions.  Before he turned 45 he got divorced from his first wife and had to recover from it.  His children from that marriage were my age, and a handsome lot they were.  For five years he catted around and played the field, and then he met "HER," the love of his life.  He absolutely HAD to have her, and married her immediately.

It's almost thirty years later.  He is 78 years old.  Admittedly those are low mileage years, with plenty of golf and sea air instead of laboring at industry or shackled to a desk.  Still, 78 years old, and he's decided to get divorced.

Divorce at 78 when there are some hundred million in assets.  Everything is being sold so they can split it 50-50.  The mansion, the shore condo, the Ferrari, the Lambo, the yachts, the chalet in the Alps, all of it.

Why?  Because there is this Brazilian woman in her 40s who is soooo sexy. 

The man feels he has ten years left (till he's 88?) and wants to spend those years in bliss with Brazilian Girl.

Can you imagine how embarrassing this must be to explain to family and friends and business associates?  To confess to the world that at 78 you can't keep the trouser snake under control and absolutely MUST destroy your entire estate for one piece of tempting ass?  That one pussy is worth a hundred million dollars?

Some would say, "this divorce brought to you by Viagra."

I have a different opinion of it.  I believe that marriage is so toxic that even couples like this can no longer stand each other after three decades.

As with most wives, she probably quit putting out twenty years ago, consigning the husband to a sexual watery grave.  Perhaps he couldn't take it. 

Perhaps he would rather deal with the trouble of divorcing at that age than being accused of marital infidelity, immorality, and fighting a losing cause divorce for his remaining years.  So who are we to judge?

As for me, two marriages and two divorces are more than enough, thank you.  Despite the appearance of the most amazing woman in my life, and despite the fact that I adore her and would gladly marry her -- and would consider it an honor to have her as my wife -- when I think of again being a husband, I run screaming from the room.

So good luck, Horny Elderly Industrial Baron Dude.  I believe you have it right.  And I hope your time is twenty happy, sexually satisfying years left.

One last thing, though, pal.  Get a prenup!

 

 

 

 

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MISSION STATEMENT FOR LIFE

Mission Statement for Life

I  wrote a mission statement for my life just to  see how it would come out.  Here it is:

 

To lead a balanced life characterized by meaning, energy, integrity, courage, honor and dignity with a sense of humor and humility, in faithfulness to the ten clauses below:

 

1 career - to craft a meaningful career in which I contribute meaningfully and avoid events of taking shit from clients or management while having fun and a few laughs.  Develop meaningful mutual relationships in a network of colleagues who will assist me in continuing this career and the eventual successful transition to retirement.

 

2 relationship - to craft a meaningful mutual relationship with a woman whom I love and cherish characterized by sensuality, sexuality, respect, and love.

 

3 children - to nurture and coach my children to their own lives of success and happiness, sacrificing when needed to achieve the goal of raising each child to be his or her best self.

 

4 recreation & health - to find and keep toys in my life that will help me recharge and be happy and keep my life in balance; to take care of my physical well being so that the days of my life are lived in health and vigor; to project an external appearance of health and strength that matches my internal development of strong character.

 

5 financial management - to command my personal finances so that I am debt-free and able to pay for the good things in life; to have enough money for comfort and to support the needs of my career, my relationship, my children, my recreation and my health; to govern my personal finances so that my life is not wasted or consumed in useless worrying about money.

 

6 relationship with creator - to foster a relationship with the creator of the universe and to walk with him, in recognition that my existing is for a reason and that the reason has meaning in the greater context of the construct of the universe; to find a greater understanding of the meaning of life in communion with the great eternal spirit as I am able to perceive him; to obtain strength and wisdom and courage from this spirit to enable me to live this life, which can so often become frightening.

 

7 writing career - to write to please myself and understand the universe in ways that will please me, my fellow man and the creator, and if possible, to make this writing pass on what I have learned to those who come after me.

 

8 death with honor - to live my life without having decisions made for me and to continue that life until I can die with honor, without clinging to the biological infirmity of my body at the end of my healthy time on earth; to die with courage and dignity without consuming the resources of my family and by doing so to demonstrate to them and to those observing me that the meaning of life is living it in health and vigor and not grasping in desperation for any breath possible; to realize when my body is no longer able to continue in strength, to gracefully relinquish my life.

 

9 wartime provision - to recognize that certain times in life become a war against dark and evil forces, both external and internal, during which my entire life force will be concentrated on fighting the battle to survive; during these times I pledge to fight as a warrior and never surrender to any force of evil; to protect myself, my relationship partner, my children and my friends from these dark forces; and to recognize that during times of war, my devotion to the other nine clauses of this mission statement will suffer temporary neglect; I pledge to be gentle with myself during times of war for my failure to uphold the principles of this mission statement, but to attempt to recover effectively, energetically and quickly when the war is over.

 

10 conclusion - in all things I will try to conduct my life with energy, integrity, honor and devotion to the people and principals that have meaning in my life.

 

Is She "ONLINE NOW! SURFING FOR BOY SLUTS!"???

Dude,

My lady friend and I have been together for 2 months and I'm wondering why she's still hitting match.  Should I ask her about that?  I don't want to appear insecure but WTF!?

Radar in Rockaway

 

Dear Radar,

Excellent question!

Beware the following bear traps:

1.      She may be on Match to see if YOU are showing a banner that reads ONLINE NOW! SURFING FOR SLUTS!  Sounds really stupid but more than one woman I knew spied on her guys all the time!

2.      She may be on Match to show your profile to her family or girlfriends.  Like, see, this is the great guy I’m dating.  Except when you pop up, there you are…ONLINE NOW, SURFING FOR BETTER SLUTS THAN THE ONE I’M DATING!

3.      She may be in her aol or yahoo email, simply answering emails by stating, “sorry, I can’t go out with you but you should hit on my girlfriend slimy_slut_2000” or “sorry but I’m seeing someone.”  When she does this, FROM HER HOME EMAIL, Match will show her active within an hour.  This baffled me and I experimented with it.  If she comes on her own email and answers one email on Match, it could still show her inactive.  But somewhere between 2 emails and 10, the Match system will show her as active within X hours.

4.      Women can get squirrelly about withdrawal from Match or profile hiding.  Once I hid my profile and the girl freaked out, thinking that I was taking her over!  She may worry about what would YOU do if SHE hid her Match profile.  The easiest thing to do is…nothing at all.

5.      You can withdraw and cancel your Match account but it will still show you current and active since the time you signed on to cancel.  The only way to disappear from Match is to (a) hide your profile and (b) cancel your account.

6.      Monogamy is a touchy subject.  Any time a female would mention it, I would start going on a rant.  Even bringing up the subject can be a problem.

7.      If you’ve dated for two months, it might be time for “the talk.”  You know, that talk where you broach the subject of, “are you dating anyone else?  If not, do you still want to keep your options open?  Should we just focus on each other?”  Beware of this backfiring on you because now YOU won’t be able to (a) surf for sluts on Match or (b) keep her guessing.

HUNDRED GIRLS BLOG ~ TRUMPED???

Yo Dude,

In reference to your "Hundred Girls Blog," it looks like this woman beat you to the punch, publishing a book about online dating.  Still however, I'd be willing to bet that your ruminations are funnier and a little bit more "real world."

Here's the gouge and the link:

How to navigate online dating's depths:  When Jane Coloccia set out to find her soulmate online, she had no idea that eight years and 200 dates later she would end up an expert on the topic. 

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/24831528/from/ET/

Your pal and fan,

Paul

Hey Paul,

Here's my comments:

1.  Took her eight years to do 200 dates. She's a slug. I did 100 in 20 months. Plus, as a chick, her dates were free. Mine cost $10k.

2. Crowded market. Chicks read these books. Men don't bother (unless clued into the misogynistic tendencies of the author). Women had to read my blog in secret or be flamed by fellow chicks.

PBAB

P.S.  Here's the entry I made on the article on MSNBC:

Everyone's had it up to here with female dating experiences.  It's easy to be female and just sit there and get asked out and never have to pay a dime, and use your push-up bra to get the guy.  Try being a guy and getting a girl, midlife, post-divorce, while having a young kid half the time.

I did it and saved every experience, and I'd bet it could teach  this author quite a bit about dating and men.

A hundred women in twenty months, each female nuttier than the one before her.  Check it out at:

http://journals.aol.com/silentfastdeep/hundredgirls

 

 

DIVORCE ~ CRAZY TIME

 

Dear Author Boy,

My best friend is cheating on her husband.

My husband and I are best friends with this other couple. My husband and the other husband own a business together.

The wife (28 yrs old) came to me and told me she had cheated on her husband several times with a guy who works at our business. I told my husband. We have not told the other husband. The guy (20 yrs old) who she is cheating on with lives with them.

She has gotten to the point where she will not leave the house when we all go out because she wants "alone" time with the guy. She has now left her husband and as taken the kids with her. The husbands mother lives with them because of her health conditions. The wife cannot stand his mother.

She has told the husband, the only way she will come back if he puts his mother up somewhere else to live and if he changes. She is totally reversing the roles to make it look like its him and not her cheating. What do you do in this situation? 

Confused and Holding the Bag

Dear Bag Girl,

For starters, you stay out of it. Friends get split during a divorce and sometimes friendships end, possibly because people are at their worst in a breakup and even if they are saints they exhibit horrible character flaws during the crazy time that is a divorce. In your case you pretty much have to take sides because of the business, so you "belong" to the groom, but remember, HE picked this woman, HE decided to forsake allothers for her and planned his universe around her of his own free will, so he contributed to the fall. You don't know what actions he took to help this disaster along. For all you know, the mom-in-the-box trick was a tactic to torture wifey, and having the young stud bunk in was a set-up to get her to stray so he could take the high moral ground. I'm not saying that is the case, but I am saying you know nothing of what truly happened in the marriage. No one does, not even a surveillance camera would give you that insight.

So back off, support the husband, and wait for people to regain their senses after the splitup.

One thing though, your business partner is apt to start screwing up at work, making mistakes, and perhaps even embezzle. Like I said, people sort of step out of their usual personalities during a divorce.

CONTINENTAL DIVIDE...MARITAL DIVIDE

CONTINENTAL DIVIDE / MARITAL DIVIDE

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

You are so funny!  And you're right about affairs.. me and my lover are having one, but I actually want him for my entire life; he wants me too..it's like we found each other, only later in life, children grown, and maybe too late.. .any advice for that???? I'm 50, he's 54 and we are having the best sex of our lives, the best love... bad thing, we live on opposite sides of the country and are with our spouses for financial reasons.. what can we do??

Finally Found It In Fort Lauderdale

 

Dear Found It Girl,

Thank you for the good word.  I know your situation very well, having lived  it, or portions of it.  My experience with post-kids true love leads me to think it is much more "real" than the biological (reproductive) imperative inspired "love" of our 20s and 30s.  My experience with living with a wife while having a long term affair makes me realize the unhappiness I suffered and caused.  And my experience with distance relationships tells me the answer.  The thing comes down to the internal life of the mind of you and your affair partner.  If the life you are leading is enough, don't change anything.  If you want more, more, more of the lover, and staying with the present arrangement makes you unhappy, you have to contemplate change.

Three changes are huge though.  A move for one of you, a divorce for one or both.  Just ONE of those changes could crater the relationship (relationships seem much frailer than they should be, they don't survive big variations!).  Then all that work to create the change to get a little more happiness causes that happiness to vanish and creates a catastrophe.  It would be like the roulette table but betting a million dollars on one number but the reward is only a hundred dollars.

The other thing you can do is recognize that the affair is just a sign from the supreme being telling you to end your marriage.  While that would lead to the end of the affair, it would leave you free to try again.

Good luck,
PBAB

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SINGLE CHICKS DROOL, MARRIED WOMEN RULE!!!

Dear Author Guy,

How can I stop liking married women ?  There is something about them that makes them sexier, no matter how old they are.  I ogle them at the gym, on the street, and even at work.  I feel like I’m going to get into something I can’t control.  But single girls bore me!  What do I do?

Weight Lifter in Washington

 

Dear Muscle Boy,

Married women are attractive to you because they are unavailable. Single women could decide to own you and take over your life.

Married women are more realistic about relationships. They've seen it all. Single women think marriage is a fairy tale and are baby crazy. Married women, post child-rearing, are ready for a man to meet their mental, spiritual, romantic and sexual needs, NOT the cravings of their wombs. This makes a lot of difference.

So maybe your lack of respect for single girls has merit.

Advice: try dating divorced women rather than girls who have never been married. Divorced chicks come in all ages, shapes and sizes. And to a woman, they tend to have that extra maturity that makes them cool.

Or just keep screwing married chicks, but eventually you will realize that if you cheat with married women you are damaging their entire families in ways that are difficult to fix, karmically speaking.

Your pal,
PBAB

LEFT BEHIND IN THE MARRIAGE RACE

All my friends are getting married!  This year 4 of my friends got married, we are all 30, and I feel like something’s wrong with me! Why am I the last one? or maybe it wont even happen?




This happens to all women and if you were to interview them ten, fifteen or twenty years later as I did, to a woman they are bitter about how they got married because of the stirring of their ovaries or the competitive influences of friends who were getting married.

Marriage shouldn't be a game of musical chairs. Nor should it involve timing.

Here's what my grandmother, may she rest in peace, commanded my older sister -- love guys, live with a guy, have sex with him, get a dog with him, buy a house with him and if you absolutely MUST, have a baby with him but never, ever get married to him! You'll regret it inside ten years, guaranteed.

Naturally my sister ignored the advice. And ten years later she was going through a nasty divorce.

Further to the issue, my friend's wife went through what you are going through, and she totally wanted a baby. She married my pal as a result. When they were splitting up, it became clear that in addition to the musical chairs thing, she suspected correctly that she was not heterosexual. She was beginning to realize she was a lesbian and the idea terrified and disgusted her and she still has trouble with the idea. Now divorced, she is happy in her single life and nary a man in sight, nor does she want one. She hasn't gotten involved with any women -- her upbringing was a little too strong for her to allow herself to do that.

I mention the above because sexual orientation is not always something that is obvious.

Good luck.

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WHY WIVES GO FLAT

  Dude, Why do wives put their husbands' needs last? (married 9 years)?  On my honeymoon my wife said "We're not going to have sex every day" (which we were doing every day for the 4 years we were dating before getting married). The frequency of sex has declined steadily each year. We even skipped sex all together for over a year due to a complicated pregnancy (so she said).

She stopped giving oral sex about 3 years ago, and now we have sex once (maybe twice) a month. She tells me she loves me every day, and she really enjoys sex when we have it.

She does work part time and our child is 4. I help around the house doing more than 50% of laundry, cooking, and cleaning. I do romantic stuff all the time and get no response usually and when I get a response its usually "you're just trying to get some".

I hear the same complaints from all my married friends. If there is a list of 5 things that have to be done in a day and sex with her husband is on it you can be guaranteed that it is the one thing that isn't done.

I'm sick of being rejected all the time.  I've sent her to day spas, bought her flowers, send her letters.  I have aways made her (and our child) the highest priority. Never putting myself first.  Help me, Obiwan Kenobe!  You're my last hope!

 

Dear Not-Gettin'-Any-Dude,

 

This is just another data point of how, just like soda left out, wives grow flat.

Okay, so pay attention.

 

EVER REGRET ENDING AN AFFAIR?

 

Dear Author Boy,

Have you ever confessed to an affair...ended it to work on your marriage and then regretted it because your spouse made your marriage even more miserable than it was before the affair?

Secret Chick

 

 

Dear Secret Squirrel Chick,

Yes. That happened to me.

But I dodged a bullet. I got divorced but before I could get back with the affair woman, a new girl arrived in my life and grabbed me (thank God).

Ten years later, after the second wife and I split, I went to go see the affair partner. She was in bad shape and I would never have even bought her a drink if I saw her out one night.

I'm not just talking about looks. People, understand, affair partners are chosen to fill the one or two voids that the spouse has caused (example, your spouse no longer has sex with you, so the affair partner will likely have the same void from her spouse and she'll be interested in sex). The thing is, when you're divorced and free to choose whomever you want, you find out that an affair partner is a cartoon of what you want and need, not the real thing. When you're free to choose a person to fit your needs, you look for and find the one who fills all your requirements.

What's the point of marriage?

Dear Author Guy,

 

I want to have sex with my boyfriend before marriage, but I'm getting confused.  I mean, what is the point of marriage if you have sex before the wedding?

 

Please weigh in!

 

 

 

What's the point of marriage at all?

Here's what I tell my kids:

Live together, get a house together, get a dog together, have kids together if you feel you must, but never get married. The person you love at 18 is a shithead when you are 28. The person you love at 30 sucks when you're 40. Human growth is simply too damned rapid to accommodate a life long commitment to another person with information you had and the intelligence you had at a younger age.

You ever notice that the friends you made in elementary school kind of suck when you're 30? Yet the friendships forged in your 30s are great by comparison? The difference is the judgment you have at the time you made the choice to have that person as a friend. The same applies to candidates for spouse.

I'm 50. My first wife was chosen at 26. I loved her for many years but eventually grew out of her and trying to stay in that marriage was like a six foot teenager trying to wear the pants that fit in second grade. My second wife I chose at 36. Ten years later she was someone I wouldn't even have had a second drink with, much less a second date with. Same woman, just a lot of growing up on her part (remember, having kids makes one dramatically different, it is a huge agent of personality change). My present girlfriend was chosen after a 100 woman search (see my hundred girls blog at http://journals.aol.com/silentfastdeep/hundredgirls) and she is perfect for me.

But, what happens when we're 70?

SPARK GONE ~ WHAT TO DO?

OK ....  I WAS MARRIED FOR 12 YEARS TO A MUCH OLDER MAN....I DIVORCED AND I HAD 2 FAILED ( SHORT TERM RELATIONSHIPS ) LATER I MET MY BOYFRIEND.....WE AE TOGETHER NOW FOR 9 MONTS ....BUT SOMETIME I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE IS NO PASSION AND I JUST HAVE A FEELING THAT HE IS NOT THAT IN LOVE WITH ME..EVEN HE TELLS ME HE IS AND HE IS VERY NICE AND LOVING TO ME//////// I JUST HAVE A WEIRD FEELING ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP......WHEN I MET HIM HE WAS JUST GETTING OVER A 6 YEAR OLD RELATIONSHIP...THEY WERE NOT LIVING TOGETHER ANYMORE FOR ONE YEAR BUT WERE STILL HAVIN SEX..

 

ALSO SEX IS VERY GOOD BUT I HAVE TO INITIATE ALMOST ALL THE IME AND IT DOESN'T HAPPEN AS OFTEN AS I WANT TOO....HE SAIS THIS IS NORMAL AND THAT LIFE IT'S NOT ALL PASSION AND LOVE.....BUT I WAS IN A UNLOVING AND UNHAPPY MARRIAGE FOR A LONG TIME AND I WAS HOPPING TO FIND PASSION AND SEX AND LAUGHTER...YOU KNOW ALL THE GOOD STUFF....

 

MY QUESTION IS ....DO YOU THINK THIS IS NORMAL FOR A COUPLE THAT ONLY BEEN WITH EACH OTHER FOR SUCH A SHORT TIME ....TO BE SO MONOTONE...SO GRAY....NO COLOR AND SPICE......SOMETIME WE ARE JUST WACHING TV...ALONE  WHEN MY KIDS ARE IN SCHOOL AND HE SEATS IN THE CHAIR AND I SEAT ON THE COUCH....I WOULD WANT HIM TO COME AND TUCH ME AND KISS ME AND JUST GO ALL OVER ME.....JUST THE WAY I FEEL....BUT NOTHING.....

 

I'M HAPPY I HAVE HIM SINCE HE IS VERY RESPECTFUL AND NICE TO ME...BUT I'M ALSO SAD BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND I WANT MORE ATTENTION AND PASSION FROM HIM....

 

DO YOU THINK THIS IS NORMAL...OR I'M JUST EXAGERATING BY WANTING MORE ?

 

THANK YOU...SORRY FOR THE SPELLING BUT I'M FROM HUNGARY....BY THE WAY I'M 33 AND HE IS 4O....

 

I WOULD APRECIATE YOUR INPUT.

 

 

You are correct to see that the lack of spark is a problem and a very big problem at that.

 

Our brains and minds are wired so that our sexuality gives us information about the status of a relationship.  In your case, the lack of passion is like the "CHECK ENGINE" light on your car.  But in your case, it is combined with thumping and grinding noises from the engine compartment!

 

It doesn't matter how long your relationship is, how many kids, how many relationships have come before, or how perfect the relationship used to be -- a long period of missing passion is your mind's way of prodding you to move on and find someone else.

 

In our culture we make way too much fuss over ending relationships.  We put way too much emphasis on our relationship's length.  Sometimes a greater number of shorter relationships that while they last, work for us, is what I stand for.

 

I am in love with my girlfriend and I hope that it lasts a long time and I am enjoying our spark.  We are extremely lustful for each other and that is what shows us both that we work.  We have had that spark for over two years and it gets stronger with time, not weaker.

 

If that spark goes away, I will transition the relationship to friendship and seek someone new (unless I'm just too damned old and ugly to get a new woman!).

 

But I will never again be miserable (long term) in a relationship.  It ruins your life.

TIME FOR DIVORCE?

How do I know if it's time for Divorce?  We've been together for six years. Married for 1 year. I think my emotions took the train out years ago. I think maybe I stayed with him because it was comfortable and I wanted to be needed and loved. We're currently separated. I'm so happy with out him! But... He doesn't hit me. He isn't mean to me. In fact other than the fact that he ignores me he treats me very good.
I think he's a great guy. He's really nice and there are a lot of jerks out there. I'm 27 and scared to start over. I think i might be staying with him because he's nice and I SHOULD love him. I'm staying because I'm scared.  So my question to others who have been here. How do I know it's time to end it? We don't have kids. Am I jusy wasting both our times? We have talked and he didn't even realize there was a problem and that I was unhappy and he still loves me. How do you know it's time to end it? Personal note we are seeing a marriage counselor.

 

Okay, pay attention:

1. There's no spark. No spark means no relationship.

2. You admit to staying together out of comfort, out of fear to go back to the dating scene and out of guilt. That means no relationship.

3. You're going to a marriage counselor. Marriage counselors are unethical charlatans who just try to smoosh together two incompatible people.

4. You're 27. You have your whole life in front of you. My dear girlfriend didn't move on from this same situation until three kids later at age 49. If she can get a great relationship after all that, you can at age 27 with no kids.

5. No kids. Get out now. Kids make divorce miserable. With no kids, divorce is little more than splitting the dishes. Get on with it.

6. Three words. Match dot com. Get out there.

Good luck.

WIFE RETURNS TO HOOKING! HUSBAND CONFUSED!

Help!  Need help with wife don't know what to do?  ok when i met my wife she was a single mom and she used to sell her body for money when she met she stoped and we got married and every thing was good when my business was producing money now business is slow and she went back to it and i found out about it in my own way and she was surprised and upset that i did cause she did not want me to know cause she did not want me to get hurt i left the house she wants me back and i do to but can't live like this the kids consider me as their dad and i can't hurt them i am still working but business is still not that good and i have been living in the my store for six days now i don't know what to do iam going crazy i love her and the kids but i can't live with a prostitute any good sudgestions out there on how to talk to her to make her quit this ugly thing and find a real job to help support the family?

 

 

Dude,

 

I imagine that your lack of knowledge of commas, periods and when to capitalize "I" in concert with you marrying a woman of corrupt character (who only stopped hooking because you married her and paid for everything) led you to this sad place.

Like playing with a spider and getting bit, then complaining about it, there is no mystery here about her. The issue is you. Why would you marry a hooker and then be surprised when you stopped paying her that she moved on to another john?

I suspect you wanted to be treated this way. I suspect you were getting something out of it.

Now that you got yourself this "reward," how do you feel?

What do you want to do now? Certainly not keep this up.

You fashioned yourown hell on earth. Having suffered in it for your sentence, why not walk out of it?

Good luck.

And study some grammar, will you?

 

 

 

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NEVER DATE WHERE YOU WORK

Dear Author Guy,

 

I have been divorced for 1 year. I got really burned on a 10 year mariage. There is a girl I really like at work but she is about 9 years younger than me. How do I go about finding out if she likes me. I have been out ot the dating scene for a long time.  I'm dying to date her!  Please advise!

 

Loveless at Work

 

 

 

Dude,

 

Never date people from work. If you do, and get sexual, she'll know all your intimate secrets. Then, when it ends, she'll tell stories about you. Even if you are King Kong in bed, there was that one night when your unit didn't show up. She'll tell that story over and over. Worse, out of fear that she will tell, you'll either have to quit or stay with her in a zombie dead relationship. Plus, if you want to try anything kinky, you'll have to stop yourself because she'll tell her girlfriends who will tell their friends and eventually your boss knows you like to get whipped and take a strap-on while singing show tunes. Don't get smug and insist you'll never try anything kinky -- everyone gets drunk. Plus, even if you are plain jane vanilla, your girl could make THAT your failing and broadcast that you are a boring MUPLO (missionary position lights out) or just invent that you like to be anally fisted while watching Fox News. In any case, your goose is cooked.

Internet dating, my friend, was designed by God. When you do it, you can absolutely be yourself. You can be your worst self or your best self and enjoy the relationship. If you want to stay in, you stay in. If you want out, you get out. It's beautiful.

But that's just how I see it. After all, I met the love of my life on the internet. But my divorce was to a woman I knew through work associates, and I behaved myself because I was afraid she'd tell. I was miserable!

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SEPARATION ETIQUETTE

Dear Author Boy, Is it ok to talk to another man while you're separated?  I'll be separating from my husband. My head and heart has already moved on. While i came to this decision, i've met a guy that i'm really attracted to .Its just been friendly chit chat. But, now the emails are becoming more frequent and we get along great. He knows i'll be separating from my husband . I really like getting to know him. I am still married but i know eventually i want to divorce. Is it ok to be talking to him? Should i not have contact with him anymore?

Wondering in Wisconsin

 

Dear W,

 

You can pork another person when you're separated. Pork away. But get ready. People you are attracted to when you are done with a marriage rarely hold interest beyond a few months. Once you get used to being single you'll want a guy who satisfies all your needs, and usually when you are emerging from a stale marriage you just concentrate on the things you were missing.

Example. Take a marriage to a smart guy with a good career. Say the marriage goes bad sexually and there is just no sex. When you emerge from that, you focus on finding hot sexy, sexual guys. For a while you just want to get laid. But a year or three later, you will find yourself missing having a smart guy and good conversation about his interesting career. Eventually you find a guy who is the whole thing, the real deal, a fully functional relationship partner.

Good luck.

CONFUSED BY SINGLE MOMMY

Dear PBAB,

I dated a single mother for a year , was great to her , respectful patient helpful, there when she needed me , spent most time with her , give her space when she needed it and without asking for it . Recently she got a job working 6 nights ( overnight ) week with 2 days off , kind of stressful job . The only thing she said that we would see less of each other , I understood and was supportive of her . She missed our 1 year anniversary because she took her kids out of town without telling me ( keeping in mind that I know her kids come first but it was out anniversay ) . Later she said that she doesn't know that she wants to be with because of the job and she needs time for kids and her self ( keeping in mind that I always gave her space and respected her time with her kids ) . We broke up . I just feel that she did nt really love me because if she did she wouldn't let a job ( she doesnt plan to stay there more that 7 months ) come between us . She said it's not fair to me.  Can you help me?

Lonely in LA

Dear Lonely,

 

She doesn't love you and is making decisions based on the relationship being over.

The writing is on the wall.  Read it.  Move on.

Also, you need to browse through some of my blogged stuff.  You are making the mistake of being way too nice.  Unfortunately, women do not respond to that.  Their reptilian brains confuse your gentlemanliness with wimpiness and because females need male strength for the survival of their kids, women equate all your consideration and giving her space with being weak.  You also signed over yourself to her and went completely exclusive with her.  Had you dated around while you dated her, her jealousy would have kicked in, always a good thing, and you would have gained more respect with her.  Women say they hate men like that but it is not true, they compete for men like that because a guy who dates around is a guy who appears confident, and females equate confidence with strength.  It's just how the female is wired.

 

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WHY DO PEOPLE CHEAT, THE JERKS???

Dear PBAB Dude,

Why do people think the grass is always greener on the other side?  I just don't get why people cheat on their spouse/partner. I know there are a million reasons the 'cheaters' can give a valid excuse, but it's just that, a validation on WHY they did it. If you are so unhappy in your relationship, talk about it, work through it. Don't go to someone else to get some kind of gratification out of it. Your spouse/partner is there for you. Trust THEM. Not someone else. You chose them to be there for you until the end of time. What are your thoughts on this?

Grass Just Fine Here Girl

 

Dear Grassy Assy Girl,

 

Obviously you haven't lived the situation where man and wife grow apart. The point is that the spouse ISN'T there for you and you no longer trust them. It's NOT about going to some amusement park, it's about feeling human connection to someone who values you.  It's about the deep dark hole you feel you are in because your spouse has frozen you out for years or decades.

 

Love, if it loses its romantic, sexual nurturing, dies no differently than your brain dies if cut off from blood circulation or oxygen. Sometimes that starvation is sudden (like after a child enters the union). Sometimes it is gradual. But eventually the toxic nature of the relationship adds up.

 

The sex and romance are gone, mutual resentment grows into actual hatred and people know they should end it but the mortgage and the kids and their reputations and careers matter more than what would seem fleeting happiness.

 

So most unhappily married people tend to just trudge on with life and grin and bear it. For some of those timid compromising souls, life intrudes and reminds them that they are still human, still have romantic and sexual needs, and tosses a specimen of the opposite sex in the way.

Many times the hapless unhappily married person tries to avoid feelings for the other person. Sometimes they wake up and initiate divorce. Other times they take the easy road. Just one kiss, they say. Okay, just one lovemaking session. Okay, just one month of an affair, then it'll be over. Okay, just one year. Pretty soon things are out of control.

Pray this doesn't happen to you.

 

MARRIED TO A GAY GUY ~ WHAT TO DO?

MY HUSBAND IS GAY ~ SHOULD I LEAVE?

 

Dear PBAB, My husband is my best friend but I want a divorce, how can I do this? We were very good friends through out high school and after and then realized we loved each other more than friends. We married 26+ years ago after living together for 3.5 yrs. Approx. 15 years ago I found out he was cheating on me with men. I thought I could get over it but apparently not. There is NO intimacy between us although I don't believe he is with another man again. We are at a stalemate because we get along so well. We are 49 and I can't stay in a relationship that has no romance or intimacy any longer. It seems the only thing holding this marriage together is our strong friendship. I need some advice on to proceed or cope because I don't want the reason for this to become public with friends or family if I seek their advice. I've filed for divorce already twice and reconciled and have seen a therapist also.

Signed,

Wondering in the City of Brotherly Love (No Pun Intended)

 

Dear Brotherly Love Chick,

You are forced to choose.

1. Stay with him and be unhappy.

2. Leave him, which takes courage and energy and will leave you in a thinner financial position.

3. Murder. Not recommended.

4. Suicide. Also not recommended.

5. Vanish into the night and disappear. Variation of 2 above but takes less courage.

6. Stay with him and have your own love life and sex life. Variation of 1 above except you get to be happier.

7. Ignore the problem. Get brainwashed by shrink to imagine that it doesn't matter to you.

Comments:

A. Are you heterosexual? Many times homosexual women marry men whoare closet gays to reduce the sexual demands on them. Clear sign that this is the case is your emphasis on this weird "friendship" which fills the descriptions of women who arrange passionless marriages with gay men.

B. If you are hetero, the urge to get out of this marriage would seemingly be stronger and you would not have stayed this long.

C. Your emphasis on the "friendship" seems just an excuse to cover your own guilt. What kind of friend marries someone who he is not attracted to? That's not very friendly. It condemns the partner to a life without marital sex. Besides, a few years after a divorce you can be friends again.

D. Please read through the rest of this blog to see if you recognize any patterns.

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DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN, ANY SUSAN

Looking for Ms. Right??

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

Can you tell me if the following indicates any mental troubles or simply this is the way males are:  I am a university student in my early twenties and I have always been obsessed with finding Ms. Right to the point of insanity. After trying everything and finding that nothing works (yeah, when you are looking for it, it doesn't happen, but when you are NOT looking it doesn't happen either, please, not with this cliche...) I sadly observe that the years pass by and this throws me into an idiotic depression and makes me hate myself and all the world.  What is even worse is that most of the guys I know I exactly the same way (I mean about 3 levels above totally desperate). God damn it.

 

Help!

Desperate in Denver

 

Yo Desperate Dude,

 

You're in your twenties. Women in their twenties are idiots. Later in life, they will be the first to agree with that statement. They don't know what they want, they're wired wrong, their sexuality blooms late, they are torn between career and wanting to reproduce.

I'll give you the advice I'm giving my son. Be patient. The longer you wait and stay single the better it gets.
When I was in my 20s I thought romance was awful. Women were horrible. In my  30s, women started noticing me and were much more romantic and sexual. In my 40s, women were suddenly porn starlets, amazingly loving and sexual. I'm dating a 51 year old now (I'm 50) and I've never been treated so well by all measures. By comparison, women in their 20s, 30s and even 40s were zombies.

Women make a huge deal about how they supposedly mature faster. Bullshit. Just hang tight, do guy stuff with your friends, enjoy life, get the occassional sex, and wait for women to stop being so stupid. It'll take a while but it is worth it.

The alternate is to date older women. 45 year old women are dating 20 somethings. My hot little number is being pursued by a 22 year old who is panting over her (she's very hot). When that happens, have fun, you'll have the skin taken off your unit, but beware, it is all too easy to fall in love and for the female, it's just recreation. That older woman will break your heart.

Still, better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.

I apologize on behalf of the universe.

Read my dating blog if you want a sense of how weird women can be at various ages. I dated women from age 29 to 65 in the Hundred Girls Project. Every age has its demons, but at 45 or so, the ride gets very smooth. And 45 year olds are very hot in this generation.

 

http://journals.aol.com/silentfastdeep/hundredgirls