THE PERMANENTLY ANGRY WIFE

THE PERMANENTLY ANGRY WIFE

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

I don't know how to change how I present concerns or criticism to my wife. When I try to open an adult discussion on topics such as:

    1) Doing some part of the housekeeping (mind you she drives 1.5 hrs a day to work, and I work from home - so I do pretty much everything in this department: cook, clean, and manage the kids, all while trying to hold down an executive job)

    2) How, at times, she treats me, and makes me feel

    3) Her now often "self-righteous" attitude towards others

I opened a conversation last night about how her words/actions had hurt me, and she simply stormed off after the first sentence with the words "OK, Fine, so now I'm a bitch," followed by not talking to me for a day. I've never encountered this type of behavior. I'm very logical in my thinking, and very open in discussing anything - and I'd really like to know how to get this person to just talk things out as opposed to storming out of the room, thinking the world is against her. How should I react to this?

 

Weathering the Storm in Wichita

 

Dear Weathering the Witch Dude,

 

I've been in this situation several times. Once with a wife and once with a serious girlfriend after the divorce.

 

The anger of your spouse is a serious impediment to communication, and once communication is suppressed you are headed for a severely degraded relationship -- a marriage that becomes a business partnership at best, because your feelings are not respected and your issues are not listened to.

 

One of the things that helps is to communicate less with talk and more with actions. In other words, if she storms out on you, and refuses to listen to a session of talking, you can convey how you feel with actions.

 

Examples:

 

If you are sad, you can go to the car and spend the evening out with a friend. When you come home, she will notice (even if she does not say anything). There are things you typically do when you are sad -- go do them. Some guys play sports, other guys go to their basement tool shop, other guys withdraw or join their friends, still others take naps. Whatever it is you do when you are sad, do it.

 

If you are furious, pack a bag and spend no less than three nights in a hotel without leaving her a note, without answering her phone calls and without answering texts or emails. A communication blackout. When you return, she will be ready to communicate. Let her know exactly what is on your mind. Be prepared for her to freak out and have an anger attack. If she does, repeat this step, staying out longer if you must until you have constructed a separation.

 

If you use action rather than words to communicate, you will make "teachable moments" when your female feels like listening.

 

Another technique is to go to marriage counseling, at first by yourself. Do not ask her to go or plead with her to go. At first, be mysterious about it. Just say you are going out. If she asks where, you can say you are seeing Dr. Jones (use the real name) who is a marriage counselor. She may storm off (again) or she may be curious. If she is curious, be truthful with her. She may ask to come. If she asks, let her. A good marriage counselor (very rare indeed) will act to help change her behavior.

 

Finally, you can consult an attorney and ask for advice regarding setting up a temporary separation. Usually a separation in this case will get the wife's attention and things can get better for a while.

 

Note that continuing your behavior will not work and perhaps make things worse.

 

You didn't state whether this is a sudden, unusual behavior on your spouse's part or if she has always been this way. I've got bad news and worse news. If the behavior is sudden, something you did or that she did is the cause. Did you cheat or do something that is the moral equivalent of cheating? If so, she is mad for a reason and she is punishing you. This should be taken to counseling because sometimes extended punishments destroy the relationship much worse than the original cheating. If she has always been this way, your chances of permanently changing her are very small and now you must do the homework of looking in the mirror and asking yourself why you signed up for this punishment tour of duty. Sometimes people hook up with women who are abusive or angry because they are angry with themselves, and the abuse seems somehow appropriate. But when the person heals (the punishment actually helps them) and is ready for a normal, friendly, loving relationship, he senses that his bitchbag wife is not the one he can be with in the long term.

 

So you see, that old saw about some people are there for a reason, others for a season and others for life has some meaning. Your wife may have helped you heal from something or filled a need, and perhaps now that need has changed or no longer exists. Think about it.

 

Again, bottom line, communicate with your actions. You cannot control  her, but you CAN control you and how much of her abuse you tolerate.

 

Good luck.

 

PBAB