THE CASE OF THE VALENTINES DAY CURSE
Dear Playboy Author Boy,
How can I cope up with my wife saying that the best valentine gift I can give her is to set her free? I am all crushed in spirit right now.
Signed,
Dying Cupid
Dear Cupe,
Bro, first I hope you understand your marriage is over. Many relationships survive the holidays only to tank just before Valentine's Day because the thought of buying you a present focused her on the status of the marriage. Most marriages that reach this point have been like a man stabbed, dead on his feet for some time, then bam, he falls dead suddenly.
Second, your question is very on-target: what do you do to cope?
I believe the most important thing is a close friend to talk to. When this happened to me I went to my best friend's office, sat down in his guest chair, put my head in my hands and said, "my marriage just ended last night." I spilled the whole thing. I looked up to see him staring at me like I was from Mars. As it turns out, he was the kind of guy who can talk about golf or women but not about heartbreak. You need a female friend, who can be empathetic.
Now, female friends are rare for the married male. I got all mine from dating (in dating in later life, you find a lot of people you like but are not necessarily attracted to romantically, but they can become great friends).
The next survival technique is to get separate living arrangements. Nothing is more harmful to the soul than sleeping under the same roof as a woman you loved who no longer loves you. So even if it is the Motel 6, pack a bag and get out.
After a month or two, upgrade to something temporarily nicer. Plot a strategy to move to something even better, albeit cheap. You need a "snake ranch" (U.S. Navy term for bachelor pad, you know, all those trouser snakes).
Keep working your network of friends. Go on the internet to socialize on group sites. There's lots of electronic divorce therapy sites out there. Pour out your soul. Get advice.
What NOT to do: try to revive the marriage. If it got this bad once, it will again!
Eventually, enter the dating world. Work out, get your body in shape, then hit Match dot com and be bold. It's different dating as an adult. Women will dig you for who you are.
At some point you'll need to negotiate splitting the dishes with the ex. Do it like an adult. Don't do it too soon in the heat of emotional battle. And do hire a good attorney who will ignore stupid statements like, "just give her everything." Fight for your stuff but don't be unreasonable.
If there are kids involved, be the best father you can be. Devote every weekend to seeing and being emotionally present with the kids. Hang with them and be in their lives. Prioritize children over dating and over work. Over everything.
Then wait. A year or three later you'll be a new man. Scarred and wiser, still aching of course, but better off.
PBAB
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