NEVER DATE WHERE YOU WORK

Dear Author Guy,

 

I have been divorced for 1 year. I got really burned on a 10 year mariage. There is a girl I really like at work but she is about 9 years younger than me. How do I go about finding out if she likes me. I have been out ot the dating scene for a long time.  I'm dying to date her!  Please advise!

 

Loveless at Work

 

 

 

Dude,

 

Never date people from work. If you do, and get sexual, she'll know all your intimate secrets. Then, when it ends, she'll tell stories about you. Even if you are King Kong in bed, there was that one night when your unit didn't show up. She'll tell that story over and over. Worse, out of fear that she will tell, you'll either have to quit or stay with her in a zombie dead relationship. Plus, if you want to try anything kinky, you'll have to stop yourself because she'll tell her girlfriends who will tell their friends and eventually your boss knows you like to get whipped and take a strap-on while singing show tunes. Don't get smug and insist you'll never try anything kinky -- everyone gets drunk. Plus, even if you are plain jane vanilla, your girl could make THAT your failing and broadcast that you are a boring MUPLO (missionary position lights out) or just invent that you like to be anally fisted while watching Fox News. In any case, your goose is cooked.

Internet dating, my friend, was designed by God. When you do it, you can absolutely be yourself. You can be your worst self or your best self and enjoy the relationship. If you want to stay in, you stay in. If you want out, you get out. It's beautiful.

But that's just how I see it. After all, I met the love of my life on the internet. But my divorce was to a woman I knew through work associates, and I behaved myself because I was afraid she'd tell. I was miserable!

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SEPARATION ETIQUETTE

Dear Author Boy, Is it ok to talk to another man while you're separated?  I'll be separating from my husband. My head and heart has already moved on. While i came to this decision, i've met a guy that i'm really attracted to .Its just been friendly chit chat. But, now the emails are becoming more frequent and we get along great. He knows i'll be separating from my husband . I really like getting to know him. I am still married but i know eventually i want to divorce. Is it ok to be talking to him? Should i not have contact with him anymore?

Wondering in Wisconsin

 

Dear W,

 

You can pork another person when you're separated. Pork away. But get ready. People you are attracted to when you are done with a marriage rarely hold interest beyond a few months. Once you get used to being single you'll want a guy who satisfies all your needs, and usually when you are emerging from a stale marriage you just concentrate on the things you were missing.

Example. Take a marriage to a smart guy with a good career. Say the marriage goes bad sexually and there is just no sex. When you emerge from that, you focus on finding hot sexy, sexual guys. For a while you just want to get laid. But a year or three later, you will find yourself missing having a smart guy and good conversation about his interesting career. Eventually you find a guy who is the whole thing, the real deal, a fully functional relationship partner.

Good luck.

CONFUSED BY SINGLE MOMMY

Dear PBAB,

I dated a single mother for a year , was great to her , respectful patient helpful, there when she needed me , spent most time with her , give her space when she needed it and without asking for it . Recently she got a job working 6 nights ( overnight ) week with 2 days off , kind of stressful job . The only thing she said that we would see less of each other , I understood and was supportive of her . She missed our 1 year anniversary because she took her kids out of town without telling me ( keeping in mind that I know her kids come first but it was out anniversay ) . Later she said that she doesn't know that she wants to be with because of the job and she needs time for kids and her self ( keeping in mind that I always gave her space and respected her time with her kids ) . We broke up . I just feel that she did nt really love me because if she did she wouldn't let a job ( she doesnt plan to stay there more that 7 months ) come between us . She said it's not fair to me.  Can you help me?

Lonely in LA

Dear Lonely,

 

She doesn't love you and is making decisions based on the relationship being over.

The writing is on the wall.  Read it.  Move on.

Also, you need to browse through some of my blogged stuff.  You are making the mistake of being way too nice.  Unfortunately, women do not respond to that.  Their reptilian brains confuse your gentlemanliness with wimpiness and because females need male strength for the survival of their kids, women equate all your consideration and giving her space with being weak.  You also signed over yourself to her and went completely exclusive with her.  Had you dated around while you dated her, her jealousy would have kicked in, always a good thing, and you would have gained more respect with her.  Women say they hate men like that but it is not true, they compete for men like that because a guy who dates around is a guy who appears confident, and females equate confidence with strength.  It's just how the female is wired.

 

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WHY DO PEOPLE CHEAT, THE JERKS???

Dear PBAB Dude,

Why do people think the grass is always greener on the other side?  I just don't get why people cheat on their spouse/partner. I know there are a million reasons the 'cheaters' can give a valid excuse, but it's just that, a validation on WHY they did it. If you are so unhappy in your relationship, talk about it, work through it. Don't go to someone else to get some kind of gratification out of it. Your spouse/partner is there for you. Trust THEM. Not someone else. You chose them to be there for you until the end of time. What are your thoughts on this?

Grass Just Fine Here Girl

 

Dear Grassy Assy Girl,

 

Obviously you haven't lived the situation where man and wife grow apart. The point is that the spouse ISN'T there for you and you no longer trust them. It's NOT about going to some amusement park, it's about feeling human connection to someone who values you.  It's about the deep dark hole you feel you are in because your spouse has frozen you out for years or decades.

 

Love, if it loses its romantic, sexual nurturing, dies no differently than your brain dies if cut off from blood circulation or oxygen. Sometimes that starvation is sudden (like after a child enters the union). Sometimes it is gradual. But eventually the toxic nature of the relationship adds up.

 

The sex and romance are gone, mutual resentment grows into actual hatred and people know they should end it but the mortgage and the kids and their reputations and careers matter more than what would seem fleeting happiness.

 

So most unhappily married people tend to just trudge on with life and grin and bear it. For some of those timid compromising souls, life intrudes and reminds them that they are still human, still have romantic and sexual needs, and tosses a specimen of the opposite sex in the way.

Many times the hapless unhappily married person tries to avoid feelings for the other person. Sometimes they wake up and initiate divorce. Other times they take the easy road. Just one kiss, they say. Okay, just one lovemaking session. Okay, just one month of an affair, then it'll be over. Okay, just one year. Pretty soon things are out of control.

Pray this doesn't happen to you.

 

MARRIED TO A GAY GUY ~ WHAT TO DO?

MY HUSBAND IS GAY ~ SHOULD I LEAVE?

 

Dear PBAB, My husband is my best friend but I want a divorce, how can I do this? We were very good friends through out high school and after and then realized we loved each other more than friends. We married 26+ years ago after living together for 3.5 yrs. Approx. 15 years ago I found out he was cheating on me with men. I thought I could get over it but apparently not. There is NO intimacy between us although I don't believe he is with another man again. We are at a stalemate because we get along so well. We are 49 and I can't stay in a relationship that has no romance or intimacy any longer. It seems the only thing holding this marriage together is our strong friendship. I need some advice on to proceed or cope because I don't want the reason for this to become public with friends or family if I seek their advice. I've filed for divorce already twice and reconciled and have seen a therapist also.

Signed,

Wondering in the City of Brotherly Love (No Pun Intended)

 

Dear Brotherly Love Chick,

You are forced to choose.

1. Stay with him and be unhappy.

2. Leave him, which takes courage and energy and will leave you in a thinner financial position.

3. Murder. Not recommended.

4. Suicide. Also not recommended.

5. Vanish into the night and disappear. Variation of 2 above but takes less courage.

6. Stay with him and have your own love life and sex life. Variation of 1 above except you get to be happier.

7. Ignore the problem. Get brainwashed by shrink to imagine that it doesn't matter to you.

Comments:

A. Are you heterosexual? Many times homosexual women marry men whoare closet gays to reduce the sexual demands on them. Clear sign that this is the case is your emphasis on this weird "friendship" which fills the descriptions of women who arrange passionless marriages with gay men.

B. If you are hetero, the urge to get out of this marriage would seemingly be stronger and you would not have stayed this long.

C. Your emphasis on the "friendship" seems just an excuse to cover your own guilt. What kind of friend marries someone who he is not attracted to? That's not very friendly. It condemns the partner to a life without marital sex. Besides, a few years after a divorce you can be friends again.

D. Please read through the rest of this blog to see if you recognize any patterns.

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DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN, ANY SUSAN

Looking for Ms. Right??

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

Can you tell me if the following indicates any mental troubles or simply this is the way males are:  I am a university student in my early twenties and I have always been obsessed with finding Ms. Right to the point of insanity. After trying everything and finding that nothing works (yeah, when you are looking for it, it doesn't happen, but when you are NOT looking it doesn't happen either, please, not with this cliche...) I sadly observe that the years pass by and this throws me into an idiotic depression and makes me hate myself and all the world.  What is even worse is that most of the guys I know I exactly the same way (I mean about 3 levels above totally desperate). God damn it.

 

Help!

Desperate in Denver

 

Yo Desperate Dude,

 

You're in your twenties. Women in their twenties are idiots. Later in life, they will be the first to agree with that statement. They don't know what they want, they're wired wrong, their sexuality blooms late, they are torn between career and wanting to reproduce.

I'll give you the advice I'm giving my son. Be patient. The longer you wait and stay single the better it gets.
When I was in my 20s I thought romance was awful. Women were horrible. In my  30s, women started noticing me and were much more romantic and sexual. In my 40s, women were suddenly porn starlets, amazingly loving and sexual. I'm dating a 51 year old now (I'm 50) and I've never been treated so well by all measures. By comparison, women in their 20s, 30s and even 40s were zombies.

Women make a huge deal about how they supposedly mature faster. Bullshit. Just hang tight, do guy stuff with your friends, enjoy life, get the occassional sex, and wait for women to stop being so stupid. It'll take a while but it is worth it.

The alternate is to date older women. 45 year old women are dating 20 somethings. My hot little number is being pursued by a 22 year old who is panting over her (she's very hot). When that happens, have fun, you'll have the skin taken off your unit, but beware, it is all too easy to fall in love and for the female, it's just recreation. That older woman will break your heart.

Still, better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.

I apologize on behalf of the universe.

Read my dating blog if you want a sense of how weird women can be at various ages. I dated women from age 29 to 65 in the Hundred Girls Project. Every age has its demons, but at 45 or so, the ride gets very smooth. And 45 year olds are very hot in this generation.

 

http://journals.aol.com/silentfastdeep/hundredgirls

 

 

CAN'T STOP THAT CHEATIN' HEART!

Why can't I stop cheating on the one I love?

 

 

DEAR PLAYBOY AUTHOR BOY,

 

I'VE BEEN WITH MY BF FOR 4 YRS WE HAVE A BABY GIRL TOGETHER WE HAVE OUR OWN PLACE AND I HAVE EVERYTHING IM SO SPOILED I'VE NEVER CHEATED ON HIM FOR 3 YRS BUT THE 1ST 2 YRS THATS ALL HE DID WAS PLAY ME. NOW I LIKE TALKING TO OTHER GUYS EVN THINK BOUT CHEATING ON HIM. BUT SEE NOW HE HASNT CHEATED ON ME IN A VERY LONG TIME WHY AM I DOING IT NOW I DONT ALL THE TIME I DO IT ONCE IN A WHILE I DONT HAVE SEX WITH THEM BUT STILL...... IT STILL CHEATING! WHY AM I DOING THIS HES MY HEART & MY WORLD & I DONT EVER WANT TO LOSE HIM HOW CAN I STOP AND WHY AM I DOING THIS?

 

HELP ME,

CAPITALS GIRL

 

Dear Cap Chick,

 

You're doing this because on a subconcious level you want out. You love him but you don't love him any more. You're probably young and feel like this is not a guy who you can forsake all others for. Realize that having a kid is such a transporting experience for a female that your personality is not really set until after one to three children. After that, you are not really the same person you were when you courted your husband. I see this all the time. The female uteris wants one man, but her heart wants a different kind of man. The urge to procreate is primal and your glands fiercely fight to get that guy into your life so you can have his kid, but once you have given birth you realize that all the genetic tags that made you want him are for the survival of the species, not for your heart's desire. This is why there are so many divorces after kids, and why so many women are in happy marriages to men they meet after they turn 40 and their kids from their first marriages are teenagers.

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I THINK I BLEW IT!

I THINK "I BLEW IT" -- PLEASE HELP!

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

I lied to my husband.  I have been with him for 3 years. I have never lied to him before but before we got married I had told him I have never given oral sex before, but the problem is I HAVE given it to someone else and now he still thinks he is the first guy that has recieved oral from me. Should I tell him the truth now or just keep it to myself. I am 100% honest with him now. I feel guilty for lying, It only pops in my mind once in awhile, i dont want to feel bad anymore.

 

Please help,

Little Oral Annie

 

Dear Annie,

 

 

 

Your past is your past. He has no right to it and no access other than you. I found out from my brother in law two awful secrets my wife had from things that happened before she met me. I was mad at him for spilling those beans (he was not her friend) and I felt sorry for her -- here she had tried to start fresh and her own brother tried to pollute my mind. I never told her he said that and I never let on, either. Let the past be buried. It is the present that counts. And if your husband is a real man, he wouldn't hold this against you, but he'd just as soon continue to believe your lips were virginal, so leave it alone. In fact,if you do tell him, he will wonder why it is on your mind. Are you thinking about giving it to some other guy?

So forgive yourself and move on.

WHAT'S THE CURE FOR MARITAL BOREDOM???

A CURE FOR MARITAL BOREDOM NEEDED!

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

My husband and I have been married for over three years now, and that initial newlywed and engaged attraction and spark for each other has long gone. We still love each other very much, but just don't have that same spark and excitement for each other when we were engaged and newly married. I assume this is normal, but I hate it! Now he has this stupid brother that's engaged and acts all in love and it annoys the heck out of me, and I think I feel jealous because that phase is over in my life. It makes me sad to think we may never be like that again. How did you deal with it? We still love each other so much, it's just not that newly wed spark in your eye type.

Bored in Bayonne

Dear Bored Chick,

 

Sleeping in the same bed without first having sex turns you into siblings and the brain's natural aversion to incest takes the heat away. Put another way, when "two become one" as in marriage, "sex becomes masturbation" and as we all know, masturbation is boring.

The extreme solution is separate bedrooms and only be together in the same bed when you both want sex.

The other solution is to pick days of the month when one person becomes the other's slave. Not just sex slave, but anything slave. When it's your turn, you can make him clean the toilets and wash the shower and do errands. When it's his turn, you have to wear a French maid outfit, bend over and take it up the pooper. You get the hint. A couple months of that, you will no longer see your spouse as a domestic bore. You'll be excited just to think of him.

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NOT DIVORCED = STILL IN LOVE! RIGHT?

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

If a man is hesitant about asking for a divorce - does it mean he still loves his wife?  Or vice versa?

Still Married So He Must Still Love Me Girl

 

Dear Still Girl,

No. Divorce is a blow to the ego. Like announcing your public humiliation. The most important relationship in your life, the one you invited everyone to witness becoming formal, for that one person you forsook all others for, is over. Everybody knows you failed. Your finances look like the Titanic post-iceberg. Your kids suffer. People at work talk about you behind your back. Going back to the one you don't love seems easy by comparison.

That's why the numbers go like this:

80% of marriages are sour and unhappy, but people don't have the courage, energy or integrity to start the requisite war to get out.

19% of marriages are in a state of warfare. Either in the last throes of ending or actively engaged in exchanges of hostile fire. Frying pans fly across the airspace of the kitchen.

1% of marriages are happy. 80% of this group are honeymooners who don't know better. Therefore 0.2% of long term marriages are happy. That's 1 in 500.

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