THE CASE OF THE ORALLY UNFULFILLED

THE CASE OF THE ORALLY UNFULFILLED

 

Help me PBAB!

 

Is 10 years enough time for my wife to figure out how to give a successful B.J.?  I mean, she tries, and it's not me (previous experience was great) but come ON!  And yes, she gets 'that' all she wants.

 

Unsucked in Urbana

 

Dear Un,

 

 

Once upon a time my mother made me do the dishes. Worse, she got this idea in her head that I should be responsible for cleaning the kitchen after huge extended family bashes and Thanksgiving and Christmas. This involved being careful with china and hand washing and drying it. It sucked. So I got this idea. I dropped the turkey platter (not one of the dishes, because then the set wouldn't be matched). CRASH! My mom ran in so fast she broke the sound barrier. The screaming and bitching was so loud I couldn't hear for a week. I had to read her lips as she ordered me out of the kitchen.

 

A valuable lesson in life. I used the broken dish technique many times to avoid things I didn't want to do in my marriage. For me, the worst job is painting. All I had to do was spill a gallon of paint and ruin a couch and after that, all the rooms were painted by my wife.

 

Get the picture? Your wife doesn't like sucking your thing. It annoys her that you want it. She is counting on your impatience with her "incompetence" so that you will drop the matter. That way she thinks she will avoid any resentment on your part. After all, she "wants" to do a good job, she just can't seem to get the deed done.

 

All this assumes your wife is of normal intelligence and physical coordination. But if she's a PhD and a tennis pro, she is capable of giving oral.

 

You need to recognize that for the rest of your marriage, you will be absent this physical pleasure.

 

I wrote an article on "The Missing Sex Act" to counsel people in marriage whoneed something sexually that their spouses cannot or will not provide.

 

See

http://journals.aol.com/silentfastdeep/internetdatingadvice/entries/2008/01/29/the-case-of-the-missing-sex-act/1445

 

Good luck, bro.

 

PBAB

THE CASE OF THE INTERCONTINENTAL HUBBY

THE CASE OF THE INTERCONTINENTAL HUBBY

 

Dear PBAB,

 

 

My husband is really not happy in his job, mostly due to boredom. It pays really well, although I do understand he feels unfulfilled. He has been offered a great job, but its 6000 miles away, and he wants to take it. Now I would follow him anywhere, but we have four children, our youngest is just 10 weeks old, and because he was born 14 weeks early, has only been home from the hospital for a few days.  My husband wants to go now, and have us follow in October.  I feel pretty heartbroken that he is so willing to leave us, and his new baby behind, for sake of job satisfaction. The worst part is that his new employer has told him he can delay it six months if he wants so we can all go together. My husband says he doesn’t want to do his job anymore and so has decided to go in a couple of weeks.

 

Signed,

Deserted Wife

 

Dear Wife,

 

 

Men define themselves by their work. If you support him in his work, he will value you. If you thwart his work, he will resent you.

 

However, taking a job on the other side of the world is troubling and is showing that he is very deeply dissatisfied. I know men who do this to run from their family situation. Too many squalling brats, distracted wife, nagging, no sex, you get the picture.

 

Complicating this is the soaring increase in the temptation level of being in a different time zone from your wife with small children. Not only does a man feel less confined, but he also can be preyed upon by the kind of women who don't truly want intimacy but miss the company of males -- in short, "homebreakers."

 

Not very many situations like this avoid infidelity on the man's part. That's not to say the marriage ends, it just means the faithful part of the marriage ends.

 

If you don't like the sound of that, best to go with hubby on his new posting or convince him his job satisfaction is within 50 miles of hearth and home. Best of luck.

 

THE CASE FOR POLYGAMY

THE CASE FOR POLYGAMY

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

Shouldn’t I be allowed to have more than one wife?  My wife doesn’t mind , my girlfriends are so interested because  we can then combine our families and make one big one, No, I am not from Utah I am not of a religious cult, This just what we want to do and there should be not laws standing in the way!  If we had our way I would have 4 wonderful wives and 11 children. Financially we have nothing to worry about, We are above average income and have room for even more kids. We just want to ALL be married. So what’s so bad about that?

 

Wanting More Rings in Raliegh

 

Dear Ring Boy,

 

 

My Saudi business partners all have four wives, the number considered appropriate and optimum. The problem is the women get jealous of the attention the husband spends on any of the other women. There's a tug of war built into the arrangement you describe. The father also starts telling the children "don't tell your mom where I am tonight, I'm sleeping with No 2." The result is that the Saudis don't respect women, see them as property, and cultivate a culture of lies. A Saudi's word is not his bond, it's just what he has to say to get through the conversation.

 

Nothing stands in the way of you bringing the other families under your roof and living the way you want. If being married to the first wife is a problem of inequality, just divorce her while still living with and having a relationship with her. What do you need the blessing of the law for?

 

Perhaps you feel the need to be legitimate.

 

Or you are reacting to the bitching of the jealous girlfriends who want similar status to wife 1.0.

 

Or you are just asking a provocative question to get a rise out of me.

 

Just be aware of your impact on other people. The women in your life and the children who look up to you. If you can live without harming others and inspire the children, go for it. If the arrangement you want is more to satisfy your sexual needs, then you should try something else, an American institution we call "infidelity." Or another one we call "divorce."

 

Please advise how this goes for you.

 

Your wifeless pal,

 

PBAB

THE CASE OF THE LYING FLIRT

THE CASE OF THE LYING FLIRT

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

Is it OK to lie to your wife?

 

I was flirting with this girl. Nothing happened, just flirting. I knew my wife would be upset if he found out so I lied to her about what we were talking about knowing that she didn't know the girl and the girl was out of town and out of our lives by the time she asked.

 

I told the lie to prevent strain on the relationship because I really love her. I know I shouldn't have been flirting but after the fact I thought the cover up and forget it was the right thing to do.

 

Was I wrong? Should I have told her everything?

 

Signed,

Lying Flirt

 

Dear Flirting Liar,

Everybody lies.

 

When caught in a lie, the liar's credibility suffers.  Being caught in a lie is embarrassing.

 

Therefore, when lying, weigh the benefit of the outcome against the disaster of being caught multiplied by the probability of being caught multiplied by the probability of your talking your way out of trouble.  If the benefits outweigh the liabilities, then the only thing preventing you from lying is your innate sense of integrity and your love for the person who would be hurt by the lie.

 

Now comes the fun part.  You wouldn't have flirted if you were sexually satisfied in your marriage.  But then, only newlyweds are sexually satisfied in their marriages.  Therefore, everyone who a veteran of marriage flirts.

 

So everyone lies and everyone flirts.  It is very rare to get caught lying about flirting.  Also rare to get caught in the act of flirting.  Flirtatious behavior is close to humorous playfulness and can usually be explained away.  Also, the flirter can say that he WANTED to get his wife jealous, so that she would pay more attention to him.  Therefore, since it is rare to get caught and can be wiggled out of, everyone flirts and gets away with it.

 

Odds are your wife flirts with other men and doesn't tell you about it, or lies about it if she does flirt.  It's just part of the scenery.

 

So, I have to ask you this.  Why do you care?  Do you feel something for this woman more than you thought you would?

 

Bad sign, bro.  This is a structural crack in the hull of your marriage.  Bad enough that you're taking on water.  You might not weather the next storm.  Think about it.

 

PBAB

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THE CASE OF THE VALENTINES DAY CURSE

THE CASE OF THE VALENTINES DAY CURSE

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

How can I cope up with my wife saying that the best valentine gift I can give her is to set her free?    I am all crushed in spirit right now.

 

Signed,

Dying Cupid

 

Dear Cupe,

 

Bro, first I hope you understand your marriage is over. Many relationships survive the holidays only to tank just before Valentine's Day because the thought of buying you a present focused her on the status of the marriage. Most marriages that reach this point have been like a man stabbed, dead on his feet for some time, then bam, he falls dead suddenly.

 

Second, your question is very on-target: what do you do to cope?

 

I believe the most important thing is a close friend to talk to. When this happened to me I went to my best friend's office, sat down in his guest chair, put my head in my hands and said, "my marriage just ended last night." I spilled the whole thing. I looked up to see him staring at me like I was from Mars. As it turns out, he was the kind of guy who can talk about golf or women but not about heartbreak. You need a female friend, who can be empathetic.

 

Now, female friends are rare for the married male. I got all mine from dating (in dating in later life, you find a lot of people you like but are not necessarily attracted to romantically, but they can become great friends).

 

The next survival technique is to get separate living arrangements. Nothing is more harmful to the soul than sleeping under the same roof as a woman you loved who no longer loves you. So even if it is the Motel 6, pack a bag and get out.

 

After a month or two, upgrade to something temporarily nicer. Plot a strategy to move to something even better, albeit cheap. You need a "snake ranch" (U.S. Navy term for bachelor pad, you know, all those trouser snakes).

 

Keep working your network of friends. Go on the internet to socialize on group sites. There's lots of electronic divorce therapy sites out there. Pour out your soul. Get advice.

 

What NOT to do: try to revive the marriage. If it got this bad once, it will again!

 

Eventually, enter the dating world. Work out, get your body in shape, then hit Match dot com and be bold. It's different dating as an adult. Women will dig you for who you are.

 

At some point you'll need to negotiate splitting the dishes with the ex. Do it like an adult. Don't do it too soon in the heat of emotional battle. And do hire a good attorney who will ignore stupid statements like, "just give her everything." Fight for your stuff but don't be unreasonable.

 

If there are kids involved, be the best father you can be. Devote every weekend to seeing and being emotionally present with the kids. Hang with them and be in their lives. Prioritize children over dating and over work. Over everything.

 

Then wait. A year or three later you'll be a new man. Scarred and wiser, still aching of course, but better off.

 

PBAB

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THE CASE OF THE MASTURBATING HUBBY

THE CASE OF THE MASTURBATING HUBBY

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

Within in the last few days I have been dealing with this. For the last few years I felt like something just wasn't right with our marriage. Honestly I felt like he was having an affair. Small things would happen, unexpected phone calls, folded letters in his pocket after I did the laundry so I couldn't read them. Come to find out, he wasn't having an affair, he was masturbating to porn 4-5 times a week. Our sex life had taken a drop over the last year because I felt like something wasn't right. He didn't tell me about anything until I questioned him about 20 pairs of underwear that I found hidden in our home. I don't know how many women feel like me, But after I found all of this out, I feel betrayed, I feel like I have been compared to women that I will never be. Not to mention that the fact that he lusted after another woman. What’s sad is that I am a very attractive woman, have a two children, and I still get hit on every where I go. How do I deal?

 

Signed,

Neck Deep in Spunked Underwear

 

Dear Unspunked Girl,

What happened in your marriage to cause this change? His sexual focus turned from you. I'm not saying this is your fault, but obviously something happened that disappointed him in bed. What changed?

 

Think about it. If you had a child, you probably started concentrating on the kid rather than your previous focus on the sexual relationship.

 

Since he has used self-pleasure and porn, he has avoided cheating. True, his sexual energy turned away from you, but perhaps he was reacting to lack of your availability.

 

If this is NOT the case, then you have a different problem. He no longer finds you attractive or is falling out of love with you, or perhaps he is suffering from resentment from some issue, perhaps a fight you had that you won and he lost and he feels emasculated.

 

Bottom line is SOMETHING in this marriage changed. You can never complain about a spouse without taking into account what you contributed. Remember, you picked this guy, fell in love with him and singled him out to marry and to forsake all others for. WHAT CHANGED? WHAT HAPPENED?

 

Think about it.

 

PBAB

THE POST-VOWS SEX SHUTDOWN

 THE POST-VOWS SEX SHUTDOWN

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

My newlywed husband doesn't want to have sex!  7 months ago I re-married, and now I can't get him to have sex unless I beg. I'm too old to want to go to all this hassle every time I get sex which is once a week if I am lucky. I am not bad to look at.  I'm not fat, I do my hair and makeup every day. I cook and clean for him and I am not a bitchy person, but I feel it coming on. This is really getting to me. Help!

 

Wet and Alone in Eden

 

 

Dear Eve,

 

Something is seriously wrong.

Perhaps it could be he is in a clinical depression; or there is medication that is taking his libido away; or a significant life event (death of a parent for example) that could account for this.

 

I doubt it could be from cheating. Often cheating spouses pay more attention to the faithful spouse to allay suspicion.

 

There is the possibility that your husband feels confined and restricted by the institution of marriage itself. There is a huge difference between living together and being married. It is sometimes a degradation in one's self-esteem. A person can feel "owned" by being married and can regret making such a compact, even while loving his wife.

 

If that is not the case, there is only one thing left -- he's lost that lovin' feelin'. If your spouse can't bear to have sex with you, it could mean he no longer wants to be married to you. Often this sexual shutdown happens well in advance of his conscious recognition that he is no longer in love with you. This is why sexual relationships are so intimate -- an erect penis does not lie. A man cannot hide his lack of feelings when he and his wife are making love -- or trying to. Even if he is aroused and as hard as usual, you can tell exactly how he feels by how he is in bed during a particular session. There is simply no hiding, or the mental energy it would take to convince a wife of undying love and affection is simply too great if not genuinely felt.

 

It is time to talk to three people:

 

1. An attorney. You need to know the financial and legal implications of a second divorce. Relax, once you've been through one, the second is easy. Not pleasant, but easy.

 

2. A marriage counselor. Go through specific facts to assure yourself that your husband no longer loves you or to allow you to investigate other possible causes.

 

3. (last) Your husband. You need to have a sit-down with him in a quiet, serious environment with no distractions. Tell him the truth about your concerns and wave off any denial.

 

Finally, you must punctuate your verbal concerns with communication through action. Actions scream when words whisper. For example, take all your negligees and sexy shoes and box them up and put them away. Do the same with every piece of jewelry he's ever given you (including your wedding ring). Eventually he will ask about this. At that point, tell him how disappointed you are in the relationship. Put away pictures of you two as a couple. Don't go on dates with him. Go away for the weekend with your female pals. Get an interest like antique cars and focus on it for a while. No more sex or backrubs or touching him. Actions! Eventually he will ask what is up and at that point (a teachable moment) you can lay it out to him.

 

Good luck, and sorry to be the one to deliver the bad news.

 

PBAB

THE PERMANENTLY ANGRY WIFE

THE PERMANENTLY ANGRY WIFE

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

I don't know how to change how I present concerns or criticism to my wife. When I try to open an adult discussion on topics such as:

    1) Doing some part of the housekeeping (mind you she drives 1.5 hrs a day to work, and I work from home - so I do pretty much everything in this department: cook, clean, and manage the kids, all while trying to hold down an executive job)

    2) How, at times, she treats me, and makes me feel

    3) Her now often "self-righteous" attitude towards others

I opened a conversation last night about how her words/actions had hurt me, and she simply stormed off after the first sentence with the words "OK, Fine, so now I'm a bitch," followed by not talking to me for a day. I've never encountered this type of behavior. I'm very logical in my thinking, and very open in discussing anything - and I'd really like to know how to get this person to just talk things out as opposed to storming out of the room, thinking the world is against her. How should I react to this?

 

Weathering the Storm in Wichita

 

Dear Weathering the Witch Dude,

 

I've been in this situation several times. Once with a wife and once with a serious girlfriend after the divorce.

 

The anger of your spouse is a serious impediment to communication, and once communication is suppressed you are headed for a severely degraded relationship -- a marriage that becomes a business partnership at best, because your feelings are not respected and your issues are not listened to.

 

One of the things that helps is to communicate less with talk and more with actions. In other words, if she storms out on you, and refuses to listen to a session of talking, you can convey how you feel with actions.

 

Examples:

 

If you are sad, you can go to the car and spend the evening out with a friend. When you come home, she will notice (even if she does not say anything). There are things you typically do when you are sad -- go do them. Some guys play sports, other guys go to their basement tool shop, other guys withdraw or join their friends, still others take naps. Whatever it is you do when you are sad, do it.

 

If you are furious, pack a bag and spend no less than three nights in a hotel without leaving her a note, without answering her phone calls and without answering texts or emails. A communication blackout. When you return, she will be ready to communicate. Let her know exactly what is on your mind. Be prepared for her to freak out and have an anger attack. If she does, repeat this step, staying out longer if you must until you have constructed a separation.

 

If you use action rather than words to communicate, you will make "teachable moments" when your female feels like listening.

 

Another technique is to go to marriage counseling, at first by yourself. Do not ask her to go or plead with her to go. At first, be mysterious about it. Just say you are going out. If she asks where, you can say you are seeing Dr. Jones (use the real name) who is a marriage counselor. She may storm off (again) or she may be curious. If she is curious, be truthful with her. She may ask to come. If she asks, let her. A good marriage counselor (very rare indeed) will act to help change her behavior.

 

Finally, you can consult an attorney and ask for advice regarding setting up a temporary separation. Usually a separation in this case will get the wife's attention and things can get better for a while.

 

Note that continuing your behavior will not work and perhaps make things worse.

 

You didn't state whether this is a sudden, unusual behavior on your spouse's part or if she has always been this way. I've got bad news and worse news. If the behavior is sudden, something you did or that she did is the cause. Did you cheat or do something that is the moral equivalent of cheating? If so, she is mad for a reason and she is punishing you. This should be taken to counseling because sometimes extended punishments destroy the relationship much worse than the original cheating. If she has always been this way, your chances of permanently changing her are very small and now you must do the homework of looking in the mirror and asking yourself why you signed up for this punishment tour of duty. Sometimes people hook up with women who are abusive or angry because they are angry with themselves, and the abuse seems somehow appropriate. But when the person heals (the punishment actually helps them) and is ready for a normal, friendly, loving relationship, he senses that his bitchbag wife is not the one he can be with in the long term.

 

So you see, that old saw about some people are there for a reason, others for a season and others for life has some meaning. Your wife may have helped you heal from something or filled a need, and perhaps now that need has changed or no longer exists. Think about it.

 

Again, bottom line, communicate with your actions. You cannot control  her, but you CAN control you and how much of her abuse you tolerate.

 

Good luck.

 

PBAB