HOW TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP

HOW TO CONSTRUCT A RELATIONSHIP or HOW FUCKING A GIRL CAN CAUSE HER TO HATE ME

 

I looked over the rim of my rocks glass at my tanned, toned female friend.  Let’s call her Bikini Girl for her love of skimpy bathing wear.  I was puzzled.  With a body like hers and that gorgeous face, men should be knocking her door down.

 

“So what’s the trouble,” I asked.

 

“It’s that guy I was seeing.”

 

Finance boy was her current obsession.  She’d seen him for a few months, fucked him a few times, and then he bugged out.  Flaked.  Disappeared from the face of the earth.  When I asked what she knew about that, she revealed the stunning truth.

 

“I got upset because I did sleep with him...I was disappointed in myself. Anyway I told him I didn't want to see him any more. We still talked afterwards and we did see each other a couple times. I said I was sorry for the mixed signals for lack of a better word.  It never was the same. He doesn't call, when he did I asked him if we were still going to see each other, he said of course. But he hasn't called like he was.  I was disappointed then at myself but now I feel awful.”

 

“Let me get this straight,” I said.  “You were disgusted at yourself for fucking him.  How do you think that made him feel?”

 

“But you don’t understand,” she said.  “I really did enjoy him, his company, everything.  My bible is the book HE’S NOT THAT INTO YOU.”

 

I rolled my eyes.  The goddamned female bible, replacing the duplicitous THE RULES, but it is hardly any better.

 

“I’m wondering if what happened was thathe just wasn't that into me.”

 

“No, honey,” I said.  “What happened was you disrespected the boy.  Fucking him?  And then acting like you’d been spoiled, or made unclean?  That’s terrible.  You should apologize.”

 

“Well,” she said, unconvinced.  “I know I am better off because if we can't even get through something this small – “

 

“Jesus!  You consider this small???”

 

“Listen,” she continued, not listening, “If we couldn’t get through something like this, it would have been rough when something large came along.”

 

I shook my head again.  “Honey, men take it hard when women see anything at all negative about having sex with them.  Girls can be horrified about sex with another guy, but anything less than delight and being thrilled when it comes to fucking us causes us pain like you would not believe.  The other side of the story is that men don't think like you think we think.  Sometimes our clocks are just slower.  You wait for a call at sex-plus-eight hours, and we're still on cloud 9, dreaming about you and fantasizing about you and knowing that to call you might be to screw it all up, because we're better with our hands and penises than we are with words and brain.  So here we are thinking the best of you, and there you are thinking dark thoughts about us.  Result, why is it that fucking someone can cause them to hate us?  I'd have done worse, I'd never have spoken to you again.  Life is wonderful in that there are a lot of people in it, which allows us to reinvent ourselves a hundred times if we want, just with someone new.  The next guy, if you have sex with him, have it gladly and pour yourself into it.  If you're going to act like you did something disgusting, don't have sex.  But to have sex and then to act disgusted is to insult the man.  Then be real and don't click a damned stopwatch to see how soon he calls.  Sometimes a man needs more time to process what happened.  Underneath it we're shy little boys, not evil demons.”

 

She didn’t get it.  She started whining. “I don't want to reinvent, I want to turn the clock back and have kept my big mouth shut.  I want him to feel like he can call me like he was.  I want to know how to undo what I did.  I think you are wrong about one thing. There are very few men out there that attract me enough that I want to fuck them.”

 

“Oh please,” I said.  “Sorry, honey, you can't un-ring a bell. The only sins are to (a) fail to go to the next human being armed with superior knowledge and (b) fail to learn from experience.  The whole thing is that when you want a guy enough to want to fuck him, it is significant!  People mess up in that they try to build relationships wrong -- they make them with people with whom they lack blood-boiling chemistry.  Instead, you should build a relationship like you build an affair.”

 

She didn’t get it, and she never will.  Logic is lost on a large fraction of the female population.  They think with their feelings, not with rational thought. 

 

Anyway, you want to build a relationship?  Here’s the recipe:

 

RECIPE FOR ANAFFAIR

 

Start with lust, the kind of sexual chemistry that makes you lose all control.  If you look at him and can't take it anymore, you feel like the only decision in front of you is whether to take his clothes off or your own first, then he's a candidate. 

 

Explore it.  Let him touch you.  If you thrill to it, if it makes you sweat behind your knees, he's a candidate.

 

Then look for friendship.  Friendship should develop in that post-coital "cigarette" period when you've just had a mattress-breaking orgasm, and so has he, and you are both lying there in that incredible glow, and you say, "do you think President Bush is an ass?" and he says something, then you say something, and the next time you look at the clock ten hours have passed.

 

If friendship is working and the lust remains, look for and hope for romantic chemistry.  This goes to visual factors.  Is he cute enough?  Would you want to introduce him to people?

 

Then look for fatal flaws.  He's married.  He's unemployed.  He's fucking other women and won't leave them behind.  He's a liar.

 

Absent fatal flaws, keep going.

 

Avoid relationship-killers.  Negativity.  Nagging.  Having an agenda.  Pushing the relationship faster than it naturally wants to go.

 

Then serve it hot.

 

Not that Bikini Girl will ever understand this.  It’s like taking a kindergartner to graduate school.