LEFT BEHIND IN THE MARRIAGE RACE

All my friends are getting married!  This year 4 of my friends got married, we are all 30, and I feel like something’s wrong with me! Why am I the last one? or maybe it wont even happen?




This happens to all women and if you were to interview them ten, fifteen or twenty years later as I did, to a woman they are bitter about how they got married because of the stirring of their ovaries or the competitive influences of friends who were getting married.

Marriage shouldn't be a game of musical chairs. Nor should it involve timing.

Here's what my grandmother, may she rest in peace, commanded my older sister -- love guys, live with a guy, have sex with him, get a dog with him, buy a house with him and if you absolutely MUST, have a baby with him but never, ever get married to him! You'll regret it inside ten years, guaranteed.

Naturally my sister ignored the advice. And ten years later she was going through a nasty divorce.

Further to the issue, my friend's wife went through what you are going through, and she totally wanted a baby. She married my pal as a result. When they were splitting up, it became clear that in addition to the musical chairs thing, she suspected correctly that she was not heterosexual. She was beginning to realize she was a lesbian and the idea terrified and disgusted her and she still has trouble with the idea. Now divorced, she is happy in her single life and nary a man in sight, nor does she want one. She hasn't gotten involved with any women -- her upbringing was a little too strong for her to allow herself to do that.

I mention the above because sexual orientation is not always something that is obvious.

Good luck.

aoljpictureUpload, aoljpictureUpload_1

WHY WIVES GO FLAT

  Dude, Why do wives put their husbands' needs last? (married 9 years)?  On my honeymoon my wife said "We're not going to have sex every day" (which we were doing every day for the 4 years we were dating before getting married). The frequency of sex has declined steadily each year. We even skipped sex all together for over a year due to a complicated pregnancy (so she said).

She stopped giving oral sex about 3 years ago, and now we have sex once (maybe twice) a month. She tells me she loves me every day, and she really enjoys sex when we have it.

She does work part time and our child is 4. I help around the house doing more than 50% of laundry, cooking, and cleaning. I do romantic stuff all the time and get no response usually and when I get a response its usually "you're just trying to get some".

I hear the same complaints from all my married friends. If there is a list of 5 things that have to be done in a day and sex with her husband is on it you can be guaranteed that it is the one thing that isn't done.

I'm sick of being rejected all the time.  I've sent her to day spas, bought her flowers, send her letters.  I have aways made her (and our child) the highest priority. Never putting myself first.  Help me, Obiwan Kenobe!  You're my last hope!

 

Dear Not-Gettin'-Any-Dude,

 

This is just another data point of how, just like soda left out, wives grow flat.

Okay, so pay attention.

 

EVER REGRET ENDING AN AFFAIR?

 

Dear Author Boy,

Have you ever confessed to an affair...ended it to work on your marriage and then regretted it because your spouse made your marriage even more miserable than it was before the affair?

Secret Chick

 

 

Dear Secret Squirrel Chick,

Yes. That happened to me.

But I dodged a bullet. I got divorced but before I could get back with the affair woman, a new girl arrived in my life and grabbed me (thank God).

Ten years later, after the second wife and I split, I went to go see the affair partner. She was in bad shape and I would never have even bought her a drink if I saw her out one night.

I'm not just talking about looks. People, understand, affair partners are chosen to fill the one or two voids that the spouse has caused (example, your spouse no longer has sex with you, so the affair partner will likely have the same void from her spouse and she'll be interested in sex). The thing is, when you're divorced and free to choose whomever you want, you find out that an affair partner is a cartoon of what you want and need, not the real thing. When you're free to choose a person to fit your needs, you look for and find the one who fills all your requirements.

What's the point of marriage?

Dear Author Guy,

 

I want to have sex with my boyfriend before marriage, but I'm getting confused.  I mean, what is the point of marriage if you have sex before the wedding?

 

Please weigh in!

 

 

 

What's the point of marriage at all?

Here's what I tell my kids:

Live together, get a house together, get a dog together, have kids together if you feel you must, but never get married. The person you love at 18 is a shithead when you are 28. The person you love at 30 sucks when you're 40. Human growth is simply too damned rapid to accommodate a life long commitment to another person with information you had and the intelligence you had at a younger age.

You ever notice that the friends you made in elementary school kind of suck when you're 30? Yet the friendships forged in your 30s are great by comparison? The difference is the judgment you have at the time you made the choice to have that person as a friend. The same applies to candidates for spouse.

I'm 50. My first wife was chosen at 26. I loved her for many years but eventually grew out of her and trying to stay in that marriage was like a six foot teenager trying to wear the pants that fit in second grade. My second wife I chose at 36. Ten years later she was someone I wouldn't even have had a second drink with, much less a second date with. Same woman, just a lot of growing up on her part (remember, having kids makes one dramatically different, it is a huge agent of personality change). My present girlfriend was chosen after a 100 woman search (see my hundred girls blog at http://journals.aol.com/silentfastdeep/hundredgirls) and she is perfect for me.

But, what happens when we're 70?

SPARK GONE ~ WHAT TO DO?

OK ....  I WAS MARRIED FOR 12 YEARS TO A MUCH OLDER MAN....I DIVORCED AND I HAD 2 FAILED ( SHORT TERM RELATIONSHIPS ) LATER I MET MY BOYFRIEND.....WE AE TOGETHER NOW FOR 9 MONTS ....BUT SOMETIME I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE IS NO PASSION AND I JUST HAVE A FEELING THAT HE IS NOT THAT IN LOVE WITH ME..EVEN HE TELLS ME HE IS AND HE IS VERY NICE AND LOVING TO ME//////// I JUST HAVE A WEIRD FEELING ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP......WHEN I MET HIM HE WAS JUST GETTING OVER A 6 YEAR OLD RELATIONSHIP...THEY WERE NOT LIVING TOGETHER ANYMORE FOR ONE YEAR BUT WERE STILL HAVIN SEX..

 

ALSO SEX IS VERY GOOD BUT I HAVE TO INITIATE ALMOST ALL THE IME AND IT DOESN'T HAPPEN AS OFTEN AS I WANT TOO....HE SAIS THIS IS NORMAL AND THAT LIFE IT'S NOT ALL PASSION AND LOVE.....BUT I WAS IN A UNLOVING AND UNHAPPY MARRIAGE FOR A LONG TIME AND I WAS HOPPING TO FIND PASSION AND SEX AND LAUGHTER...YOU KNOW ALL THE GOOD STUFF....

 

MY QUESTION IS ....DO YOU THINK THIS IS NORMAL FOR A COUPLE THAT ONLY BEEN WITH EACH OTHER FOR SUCH A SHORT TIME ....TO BE SO MONOTONE...SO GRAY....NO COLOR AND SPICE......SOMETIME WE ARE JUST WACHING TV...ALONE  WHEN MY KIDS ARE IN SCHOOL AND HE SEATS IN THE CHAIR AND I SEAT ON THE COUCH....I WOULD WANT HIM TO COME AND TUCH ME AND KISS ME AND JUST GO ALL OVER ME.....JUST THE WAY I FEEL....BUT NOTHING.....

 

I'M HAPPY I HAVE HIM SINCE HE IS VERY RESPECTFUL AND NICE TO ME...BUT I'M ALSO SAD BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND I WANT MORE ATTENTION AND PASSION FROM HIM....

 

DO YOU THINK THIS IS NORMAL...OR I'M JUST EXAGERATING BY WANTING MORE ?

 

THANK YOU...SORRY FOR THE SPELLING BUT I'M FROM HUNGARY....BY THE WAY I'M 33 AND HE IS 4O....

 

I WOULD APRECIATE YOUR INPUT.

 

 

You are correct to see that the lack of spark is a problem and a very big problem at that.

 

Our brains and minds are wired so that our sexuality gives us information about the status of a relationship.  In your case, the lack of passion is like the "CHECK ENGINE" light on your car.  But in your case, it is combined with thumping and grinding noises from the engine compartment!

 

It doesn't matter how long your relationship is, how many kids, how many relationships have come before, or how perfect the relationship used to be -- a long period of missing passion is your mind's way of prodding you to move on and find someone else.

 

In our culture we make way too much fuss over ending relationships.  We put way too much emphasis on our relationship's length.  Sometimes a greater number of shorter relationships that while they last, work for us, is what I stand for.

 

I am in love with my girlfriend and I hope that it lasts a long time and I am enjoying our spark.  We are extremely lustful for each other and that is what shows us both that we work.  We have had that spark for over two years and it gets stronger with time, not weaker.

 

If that spark goes away, I will transition the relationship to friendship and seek someone new (unless I'm just too damned old and ugly to get a new woman!).

 

But I will never again be miserable (long term) in a relationship.  It ruins your life.

TIME FOR DIVORCE?

How do I know if it's time for Divorce?  We've been together for six years. Married for 1 year. I think my emotions took the train out years ago. I think maybe I stayed with him because it was comfortable and I wanted to be needed and loved. We're currently separated. I'm so happy with out him! But... He doesn't hit me. He isn't mean to me. In fact other than the fact that he ignores me he treats me very good.
I think he's a great guy. He's really nice and there are a lot of jerks out there. I'm 27 and scared to start over. I think i might be staying with him because he's nice and I SHOULD love him. I'm staying because I'm scared.  So my question to others who have been here. How do I know it's time to end it? We don't have kids. Am I jusy wasting both our times? We have talked and he didn't even realize there was a problem and that I was unhappy and he still loves me. How do you know it's time to end it? Personal note we are seeing a marriage counselor.

 

Okay, pay attention:

1. There's no spark. No spark means no relationship.

2. You admit to staying together out of comfort, out of fear to go back to the dating scene and out of guilt. That means no relationship.

3. You're going to a marriage counselor. Marriage counselors are unethical charlatans who just try to smoosh together two incompatible people.

4. You're 27. You have your whole life in front of you. My dear girlfriend didn't move on from this same situation until three kids later at age 49. If she can get a great relationship after all that, you can at age 27 with no kids.

5. No kids. Get out now. Kids make divorce miserable. With no kids, divorce is little more than splitting the dishes. Get on with it.

6. Three words. Match dot com. Get out there.

Good luck.

WIFE RETURNS TO HOOKING! HUSBAND CONFUSED!

Help!  Need help with wife don't know what to do?  ok when i met my wife she was a single mom and she used to sell her body for money when she met she stoped and we got married and every thing was good when my business was producing money now business is slow and she went back to it and i found out about it in my own way and she was surprised and upset that i did cause she did not want me to know cause she did not want me to get hurt i left the house she wants me back and i do to but can't live like this the kids consider me as their dad and i can't hurt them i am still working but business is still not that good and i have been living in the my store for six days now i don't know what to do iam going crazy i love her and the kids but i can't live with a prostitute any good sudgestions out there on how to talk to her to make her quit this ugly thing and find a real job to help support the family?

 

 

Dude,

 

I imagine that your lack of knowledge of commas, periods and when to capitalize "I" in concert with you marrying a woman of corrupt character (who only stopped hooking because you married her and paid for everything) led you to this sad place.

Like playing with a spider and getting bit, then complaining about it, there is no mystery here about her. The issue is you. Why would you marry a hooker and then be surprised when you stopped paying her that she moved on to another john?

I suspect you wanted to be treated this way. I suspect you were getting something out of it.

Now that you got yourself this "reward," how do you feel?

What do you want to do now? Certainly not keep this up.

You fashioned yourown hell on earth. Having suffered in it for your sentence, why not walk out of it?

Good luck.

And study some grammar, will you?

 

 

 

aoljpictureUpload, aoljpictureUpload_2