THE POST-VOWS SEX SHUTDOWN

 THE POST-VOWS SEX SHUTDOWN

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

My newlywed husband doesn't want to have sex!  7 months ago I re-married, and now I can't get him to have sex unless I beg. I'm too old to want to go to all this hassle every time I get sex which is once a week if I am lucky. I am not bad to look at.  I'm not fat, I do my hair and makeup every day. I cook and clean for him and I am not a bitchy person, but I feel it coming on. This is really getting to me. Help!

 

Wet and Alone in Eden

 

 

Dear Eve,

 

Something is seriously wrong.

Perhaps it could be he is in a clinical depression; or there is medication that is taking his libido away; or a significant life event (death of a parent for example) that could account for this.

 

I doubt it could be from cheating. Often cheating spouses pay more attention to the faithful spouse to allay suspicion.

 

There is the possibility that your husband feels confined and restricted by the institution of marriage itself. There is a huge difference between living together and being married. It is sometimes a degradation in one's self-esteem. A person can feel "owned" by being married and can regret making such a compact, even while loving his wife.

 

If that is not the case, there is only one thing left -- he's lost that lovin' feelin'. If your spouse can't bear to have sex with you, it could mean he no longer wants to be married to you. Often this sexual shutdown happens well in advance of his conscious recognition that he is no longer in love with you. This is why sexual relationships are so intimate -- an erect penis does not lie. A man cannot hide his lack of feelings when he and his wife are making love -- or trying to. Even if he is aroused and as hard as usual, you can tell exactly how he feels by how he is in bed during a particular session. There is simply no hiding, or the mental energy it would take to convince a wife of undying love and affection is simply too great if not genuinely felt.

 

It is time to talk to three people:

 

1. An attorney. You need to know the financial and legal implications of a second divorce. Relax, once you've been through one, the second is easy. Not pleasant, but easy.

 

2. A marriage counselor. Go through specific facts to assure yourself that your husband no longer loves you or to allow you to investigate other possible causes.

 

3. (last) Your husband. You need to have a sit-down with him in a quiet, serious environment with no distractions. Tell him the truth about your concerns and wave off any denial.

 

Finally, you must punctuate your verbal concerns with communication through action. Actions scream when words whisper. For example, take all your negligees and sexy shoes and box them up and put them away. Do the same with every piece of jewelry he's ever given you (including your wedding ring). Eventually he will ask about this. At that point, tell him how disappointed you are in the relationship. Put away pictures of you two as a couple. Don't go on dates with him. Go away for the weekend with your female pals. Get an interest like antique cars and focus on it for a while. No more sex or backrubs or touching him. Actions! Eventually he will ask what is up and at that point (a teachable moment) you can lay it out to him.

 

Good luck, and sorry to be the one to deliver the bad news.

 

PBAB