THE CURSE OF THE DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP

CURSE OF THE DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

Is having habitual dysfunctional and bad relationship a curse? Or something I am putting out there?  I feel that I often want to see the good in a person even when there isn't any. In return for opening up I am left hurt time and time again... why do we allow people to affect our emotions like this? Am I abnormal?

Abby Normal

 

Dear Abby,

A shrink would explore your relationship with your father. Odds are, it was defective. A long term course of psychotherapy with an older, male therapist might yield results. Or it might put his kids through school. Either way.

The other alternative is to try to change your relationship style. Screen the men on the front end more. Make a list of "must haves." Make another list of "fatal flaws." I find myself explaining the second rather than the first. "Must have" qualities need work too, as they are more than just sexual or romantic lust type things. Think about the character you want in a man, the ethics. It's not enough to say he must be a doctor, as there are psycho screwed up doctors out there. Think instead things like integrity, compassion to kids and animals, lover of art, that kind of thing. Make your own list. For things that he is missing, ask whether he can develop. Give him a deadline to improve. If he doesn't, remember, the lack of a "must have" is a "fatal flaw."

Fatal flaws include alcoholism, racism, chronic unemployment, addiction to drugs, violent behavior, etc. A fatal flaw must never be forgiven. If you have a fatal flaw about education (he must have a degree to be your guy) then do not accept a man who is "almost" at his degree. He could stop school, and then you would be with a man with a fatal flaw. Similarly, if he hits you just once, that is a fatal flaw if violent behavior is a fatal flaw to you (it should be, but to some women it is not, go figure).

You will burn through a lot of candidates this way but dating is a numbers game. Get on Match dot com (the other services are not for people who actually want to date, such as Yahoo personals and e-Harmony -- they are for people thinking about eventually maybe wouldn't it be great if dating). Keep brief records of the men.

Guy One, Environmental Attorney Boy, had all must haves except love of pets, had one fatal flaw (hated his mother). No second date.

Guy Two, Mechanic Boy. Had all must haves. Had no fatal flaws on first date. On second date found out he's been married twice before, which is one of my fatal flaws. Had to let him go.

Note, by doing this, you will attain better understanding of yourself and therefore your must have list and your fatal flaw list.

The key to connection is disconnection. Be ruthless about not wasting time with those who don't meet your needs.

Good luck.

PBAB