I THOUGHT HUBBY WAS CHEATING...BUT WITH HIMSELF?!

This is kind of embarassing, but I really need to say something. I think my husband is actually addicted to masturbating!!!!

 

I know he used to invest money in special "stuff" (toys, meds, etc...) for doing that when he was single. Although I thought that was strange, I thought it was over since he was with me. That was 3 years ago.

 

We've been having a lot of problems lately, and he's been going out of his way to hide things from me- clearing computer history, locking his truck with the keys in it so I can't get in (I searched and there was nothing there), clearing text messages, etc... eventually, I found one thing he had been hiding- a new "toy" right next to the computer with the cleared history! He had been rushing home from work anytime he knew I wasn't there and using it. He has been complaining often that I don't leave the house while he's there.

 

I thought he was having an affair, but I wasn't expecting THIS! A couple times when I've fallen asleep downstairs or he's thought I was up for the day and wouldn't be back in the bedroom, I have come back in to find him with his hand....there. Or running to the bathroom to wash up in the middle of the night! It's not that we don't have sex often because I don't want to...it's as if he's lost interest in me due to his "hobby"!

 

What IS this?! Is this an actual addiction thing? He says there is no porn involved, but I know that's not true. I confronted him only once about what I found, and he got very upset and embarassed then blamed me for not sleeping with him enough. When he did this stuff before we were together, I mentioned it once in passing as a joke and he said "Don't talk about that. I'm not proud of it." He's hiding it all from me and it's as if he's having an affair with HIMSELF!!!!

 

 

 

 

He is a sex addict and contrary to media opinion, sex addiction is so rare that many professionals don't believe it exists. However, those who believe in it see it everywhere, while those who don't dismiss cases like your husband's as "normal" or that you need to "spice things up in the bedroom."

First, the only thing you are doing wrong or have done wrong is that you picked this guy.

Second, his behavior is an addiction no less than alcoholism, and just like that very real disease, there is no real cure other than an AA group. People have various opinions on this, but a true sex addict after sex addicts' anonymous isn't really normal sexually ever. It would be like trying to let an alcoholic only drink beer -- eventually he's going through three cases a day. It's never enough. You can eliminate alcohol from a person's life and you can eliminate sex from it too, but that person is no longer normal enough to have a life with.

I recommend you consider ending this marriage and your relationship to this poor soul and engineer a way to move on with your life, and consider also getting some counseling to find out why this man became attractive to you and why you didn't see the signs that he was a sex addict.

Best of luck.

INFIDELITY IS THE CRY OF THE SOUL TO BE SET FREE FROM THE RELATIONSHIP

 

Dear Author Guy,

I saw an answer you gave to a guy who said his wife was "supposedly" cheating on him. And you used a line that really raised my eyebrow:

"Infidelity is the cry of the soul to be set free from the relationship."

Could this apply if a married woman were sending another man flirtatious emails?

Some feel that these kind of emails are cheating.  Is this infidelity?  Would you assume that she wants very much to be with the guy she is flirting with?

Thank you for your time.

Groovy Guy

 

Dear Groovster,

I stand by my immortal line, "Infidelity is the cry of the soul to be set free from the relationship."

The form taken by the infidelity matters little.  Here are some subtle examples of cheating.  All these are communications between the married woman suspect and a man she lusts for, but the parallel exists for men:

* business dinners with the client including many drinks and sultry glances

* talking emotional specifics about her relationship in a manner of complaint

* wishing aloud she were free

* talking details about the kind of sex she likes

* flirting to the point that both parties know that in the right circumstances, sex would ensue

Men can engage in the same emotional disloyalty.  For men, signing onto chat rooms and talking about sex to presumed other women is a subtle cheat, as is signing on as a guest to sex dating sites.  For an unusual example, consider the sex-starved husband I knew who went to X-rated bookstores to go to the peep show booths so that he could get a glory-hole blowjob from another man.  It wasn't that the guy was gay, it was that he was so hard up that he needed action, and this seemed an easy way to get blown with no strings attached and no long approach needed to warm up a woman.

Whatever the means, these subtle cheats are no different than fucking the next door neighbor.  They are disloyal to the relationship.

I do not speak in the tone of judgment or condemnation you might think.  I have been a cheater myself.  The issue is the relationship.

If you find yourself in obvious or subtle cheating, you need to confront the fact that YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOTWORKING.  If it were, other men or other women would notbe alluring.

Think back to the honeymoon.  You didn't even notice that cutie on the beach eyeing you.  Compare that to now.  Quite a difference, isn't it?

What does one do now?

A lot of thinking.  Unlike many therapists, I do not believe that marital rifts can be healed.  By the time a relationship problem shows up in the symptom of cheating, it is too late.  When in the face of lacking sex, resentment against the ungiving partner builds up to the point that even if she or he suddenly changed and became sexual again, it would be too late.

My advice?  Separation.  It gives both parties time to think.  It gives both people the room to breathe and decide what happens next.  Sometimes the period of separation can be a place for recovery of the relationship, but more often, separation lets both people realize the love is over.

Separation links for those who haven't explored on the web:

http://www.womansdivorce.com/how-to-file-for-a-legal-separation.html

 

http://www.womansdivorce.com/separation.html

 

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/usstatedivorcelaws/a/fla_laws.htm

 

http://www.uslegalforms.com/fl/FL-DO-10A.htm

Good luck.

PBAB

THE CURSE OF THE DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP

CURSE OF THE DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

Is having habitual dysfunctional and bad relationship a curse? Or something I am putting out there?  I feel that I often want to see the good in a person even when there isn't any. In return for opening up I am left hurt time and time again... why do we allow people to affect our emotions like this? Am I abnormal?

Abby Normal

 

Dear Abby,

A shrink would explore your relationship with your father. Odds are, it was defective. A long term course of psychotherapy with an older, male therapist might yield results. Or it might put his kids through school. Either way.

The other alternative is to try to change your relationship style. Screen the men on the front end more. Make a list of "must haves." Make another list of "fatal flaws." I find myself explaining the second rather than the first. "Must have" qualities need work too, as they are more than just sexual or romantic lust type things. Think about the character you want in a man, the ethics. It's not enough to say he must be a doctor, as there are psycho screwed up doctors out there. Think instead things like integrity, compassion to kids and animals, lover of art, that kind of thing. Make your own list. For things that he is missing, ask whether he can develop. Give him a deadline to improve. If he doesn't, remember, the lack of a "must have" is a "fatal flaw."

Fatal flaws include alcoholism, racism, chronic unemployment, addiction to drugs, violent behavior, etc. A fatal flaw must never be forgiven. If you have a fatal flaw about education (he must have a degree to be your guy) then do not accept a man who is "almost" at his degree. He could stop school, and then you would be with a man with a fatal flaw. Similarly, if he hits you just once, that is a fatal flaw if violent behavior is a fatal flaw to you (it should be, but to some women it is not, go figure).

You will burn through a lot of candidates this way but dating is a numbers game. Get on Match dot com (the other services are not for people who actually want to date, such as Yahoo personals and e-Harmony -- they are for people thinking about eventually maybe wouldn't it be great if dating). Keep brief records of the men.

Guy One, Environmental Attorney Boy, had all must haves except love of pets, had one fatal flaw (hated his mother). No second date.

Guy Two, Mechanic Boy. Had all must haves. Had no fatal flaws on first date. On second date found out he's been married twice before, which is one of my fatal flaws. Had to let him go.

Note, by doing this, you will attain better understanding of yourself and therefore your must have list and your fatal flaw list.

The key to connection is disconnection. Be ruthless about not wasting time with those who don't meet your needs.

Good luck.

PBAB

ANOTHER DIVORCE STORY ~ WITH A TWIST

I knew this guy.  He was the richest man I've ever shaken hands with.  I was aboard his yacht in the New York City Wall Street yacht basin.  It was huge.  He was pointing out the autopilot and how it worked with the GPS navigation system.  Back then it cost five grand to fill up the fuel tanks.

He founded and ran a huge Wall Street consulting company.  It carried his name.  It made him tens, perhaps hundreds of millions.  Before he turned 45 he got divorced from his first wife and had to recover from it.  His children from that marriage were my age, and a handsome lot they were.  For five years he catted around and played the field, and then he met "HER," the love of his life.  He absolutely HAD to have her, and married her immediately.

It's almost thirty years later.  He is 78 years old.  Admittedly those are low mileage years, with plenty of golf and sea air instead of laboring at industry or shackled to a desk.  Still, 78 years old, and he's decided to get divorced.

Divorce at 78 when there are some hundred million in assets.  Everything is being sold so they can split it 50-50.  The mansion, the shore condo, the Ferrari, the Lambo, the yachts, the chalet in the Alps, all of it.

Why?  Because there is this Brazilian woman in her 40s who is soooo sexy. 

The man feels he has ten years left (till he's 88?) and wants to spend those years in bliss with Brazilian Girl.

Can you imagine how embarrassing this must be to explain to family and friends and business associates?  To confess to the world that at 78 you can't keep the trouser snake under control and absolutely MUST destroy your entire estate for one piece of tempting ass?  That one pussy is worth a hundred million dollars?

Some would say, "this divorce brought to you by Viagra."

I have a different opinion of it.  I believe that marriage is so toxic that even couples like this can no longer stand each other after three decades.

As with most wives, she probably quit putting out twenty years ago, consigning the husband to a sexual watery grave.  Perhaps he couldn't take it. 

Perhaps he would rather deal with the trouble of divorcing at that age than being accused of marital infidelity, immorality, and fighting a losing cause divorce for his remaining years.  So who are we to judge?

As for me, two marriages and two divorces are more than enough, thank you.  Despite the appearance of the most amazing woman in my life, and despite the fact that I adore her and would gladly marry her -- and would consider it an honor to have her as my wife -- when I think of again being a husband, I run screaming from the room.

So good luck, Horny Elderly Industrial Baron Dude.  I believe you have it right.  And I hope your time is twenty happy, sexually satisfying years left.

One last thing, though, pal.  Get a prenup!

 

 

 

 

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MISSION STATEMENT FOR LIFE

Mission Statement for Life

I  wrote a mission statement for my life just to  see how it would come out.  Here it is:

 

To lead a balanced life characterized by meaning, energy, integrity, courage, honor and dignity with a sense of humor and humility, in faithfulness to the ten clauses below:

 

1 career - to craft a meaningful career in which I contribute meaningfully and avoid events of taking shit from clients or management while having fun and a few laughs.  Develop meaningful mutual relationships in a network of colleagues who will assist me in continuing this career and the eventual successful transition to retirement.

 

2 relationship - to craft a meaningful mutual relationship with a woman whom I love and cherish characterized by sensuality, sexuality, respect, and love.

 

3 children - to nurture and coach my children to their own lives of success and happiness, sacrificing when needed to achieve the goal of raising each child to be his or her best self.

 

4 recreation & health - to find and keep toys in my life that will help me recharge and be happy and keep my life in balance; to take care of my physical well being so that the days of my life are lived in health and vigor; to project an external appearance of health and strength that matches my internal development of strong character.

 

5 financial management - to command my personal finances so that I am debt-free and able to pay for the good things in life; to have enough money for comfort and to support the needs of my career, my relationship, my children, my recreation and my health; to govern my personal finances so that my life is not wasted or consumed in useless worrying about money.

 

6 relationship with creator - to foster a relationship with the creator of the universe and to walk with him, in recognition that my existing is for a reason and that the reason has meaning in the greater context of the construct of the universe; to find a greater understanding of the meaning of life in communion with the great eternal spirit as I am able to perceive him; to obtain strength and wisdom and courage from this spirit to enable me to live this life, which can so often become frightening.

 

7 writing career - to write to please myself and understand the universe in ways that will please me, my fellow man and the creator, and if possible, to make this writing pass on what I have learned to those who come after me.

 

8 death with honor - to live my life without having decisions made for me and to continue that life until I can die with honor, without clinging to the biological infirmity of my body at the end of my healthy time on earth; to die with courage and dignity without consuming the resources of my family and by doing so to demonstrate to them and to those observing me that the meaning of life is living it in health and vigor and not grasping in desperation for any breath possible; to realize when my body is no longer able to continue in strength, to gracefully relinquish my life.

 

9 wartime provision - to recognize that certain times in life become a war against dark and evil forces, both external and internal, during which my entire life force will be concentrated on fighting the battle to survive; during these times I pledge to fight as a warrior and never surrender to any force of evil; to protect myself, my relationship partner, my children and my friends from these dark forces; and to recognize that during times of war, my devotion to the other nine clauses of this mission statement will suffer temporary neglect; I pledge to be gentle with myself during times of war for my failure to uphold the principles of this mission statement, but to attempt to recover effectively, energetically and quickly when the war is over.

 

10 conclusion - in all things I will try to conduct my life with energy, integrity, honor and devotion to the people and principals that have meaning in my life.

 

Is She "ONLINE NOW! SURFING FOR BOY SLUTS!"???

Dude,

My lady friend and I have been together for 2 months and I'm wondering why she's still hitting match.  Should I ask her about that?  I don't want to appear insecure but WTF!?

Radar in Rockaway

 

Dear Radar,

Excellent question!

Beware the following bear traps:

1.      She may be on Match to see if YOU are showing a banner that reads ONLINE NOW! SURFING FOR SLUTS!  Sounds really stupid but more than one woman I knew spied on her guys all the time!

2.      She may be on Match to show your profile to her family or girlfriends.  Like, see, this is the great guy I’m dating.  Except when you pop up, there you are…ONLINE NOW, SURFING FOR BETTER SLUTS THAN THE ONE I’M DATING!

3.      She may be in her aol or yahoo email, simply answering emails by stating, “sorry, I can’t go out with you but you should hit on my girlfriend slimy_slut_2000” or “sorry but I’m seeing someone.”  When she does this, FROM HER HOME EMAIL, Match will show her active within an hour.  This baffled me and I experimented with it.  If she comes on her own email and answers one email on Match, it could still show her inactive.  But somewhere between 2 emails and 10, the Match system will show her as active within X hours.

4.      Women can get squirrelly about withdrawal from Match or profile hiding.  Once I hid my profile and the girl freaked out, thinking that I was taking her over!  She may worry about what would YOU do if SHE hid her Match profile.  The easiest thing to do is…nothing at all.

5.      You can withdraw and cancel your Match account but it will still show you current and active since the time you signed on to cancel.  The only way to disappear from Match is to (a) hide your profile and (b) cancel your account.

6.      Monogamy is a touchy subject.  Any time a female would mention it, I would start going on a rant.  Even bringing up the subject can be a problem.

7.      If you’ve dated for two months, it might be time for “the talk.”  You know, that talk where you broach the subject of, “are you dating anyone else?  If not, do you still want to keep your options open?  Should we just focus on each other?”  Beware of this backfiring on you because now YOU won’t be able to (a) surf for sluts on Match or (b) keep her guessing.

HUNDRED GIRLS BLOG ~ TRUMPED???

Yo Dude,

In reference to your "Hundred Girls Blog," it looks like this woman beat you to the punch, publishing a book about online dating.  Still however, I'd be willing to bet that your ruminations are funnier and a little bit more "real world."

Here's the gouge and the link:

How to navigate online dating's depths:  When Jane Coloccia set out to find her soulmate online, she had no idea that eight years and 200 dates later she would end up an expert on the topic. 

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/24831528/from/ET/

Your pal and fan,

Paul

Hey Paul,

Here's my comments:

1.  Took her eight years to do 200 dates. She's a slug. I did 100 in 20 months. Plus, as a chick, her dates were free. Mine cost $10k.

2. Crowded market. Chicks read these books. Men don't bother (unless clued into the misogynistic tendencies of the author). Women had to read my blog in secret or be flamed by fellow chicks.

PBAB

P.S.  Here's the entry I made on the article on MSNBC:

Everyone's had it up to here with female dating experiences.  It's easy to be female and just sit there and get asked out and never have to pay a dime, and use your push-up bra to get the guy.  Try being a guy and getting a girl, midlife, post-divorce, while having a young kid half the time.

I did it and saved every experience, and I'd bet it could teach  this author quite a bit about dating and men.

A hundred women in twenty months, each female nuttier than the one before her.  Check it out at:

http://journals.aol.com/silentfastdeep/hundredgirls