TOXIC SHOCK

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

I’m confused.  I’ve been married 17yrs to a stubborn, controlling, arrogant ass. Should I jump overboard?  He is a hard working husband who really works way too many hours. Very self-centered, negative all the time, controlling, expects me to do it all, he won't see a therapist, thinks we don't have any problems, and when he is depressed he spends a lot. I want to leave because I can't breath and he never helps out. He's never cheated (that I know of) except for looking at online videos. My tendencies are to always please others, keep the peace, don't rock the boat, try to be the peacemaker, I have small children and am holding out leaving him because of them but I am dying inside/miserable. I don't want to hurt them But I'm hurting myself. Tell me what I should do and when should I do it? I guess deep down I know what to do but don't have the balls to do it.  Any words of wisdom?

Virgo in Virginia

Dear Virgo,

This happens to every marriage. It turns out that the man your ovaries are attracted to for procreation is totally unsuitable to be the guy you want to be married to post-children. I can't tell you how many times I've heard your story.

It has two endings. In one, the woman eventually leaves the guy, recovers from the toxicity of being married to someone incompatible, and eventually starts dating and rebuilding her life and then meets guys, dates guys, has sex with guys, gets good at selecting a guy for non-procreational relationships and lives happily ever after. In the other, the woman's soul dies a crushing death until she's a zombie. You've met a thousand women like this, women who take no joy in their marriage or their relationships, who put all their energy into work or causes or charity or politics or the kids until it is too late to move on. Sometimes zombies come back to life, about a year after the husband dies (let's hope of natural causes!).

One thing you should know. The longer you stay in a situation like this, the longer it takes to detox and the further out your future happiness is. If you know your life has led you to a cul-de-sac, the sooner you plan your way out and work your way out, the better you'll feel.

It takes a boat load of courage, though. Best thing to do is get a good friend who's been through it before. Don't know anyone? Internet is a great place to find someone who can guide you. A lot of people out there would be glad to help.

Good luck.

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POST PREGNANT LOSS OF LIBIDO MAKING HUBBY JUMPY

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

Is my husband thinking about cheating on me or leaving me?  My husband and I have been together for five years, married for two. We have 3 kids, 4, 3 and 18 mos. We have always had a decent relationship and he has never complained about our sex life before. We have a lot of stress right now with the kids and building a new house.  I also have a medical condition which I recently had surgery for, so I haven't been feeling the best lately, I ended up getting an infection from my surgery.  This also makes sex painful. I would say that we have sex 2-3 times a week. My husband acts like I am making up the fact that I don't feel well and doesn't ever take care of me or help out around the house, so I am left to take care of the kids, myself and the house and it is exhausting! Especially since I have had the infection, I have just been wiped out. So I basically crawl into bed every night and fall asleep. He is upset that I don't approach him to have sex, I am upset that he seems to care less how I feel and sex is the last thing I want to do with him!  So what do you think, am I about to lose my husband?

Worried Sexless in Wyoming

Dear Worried,

This complaint dogs every marriage with children. Consider it the turbulence a jet experiences going through the sound barrier. Every man has a difficult time realizing he has sworn to only have sex with ONE woman and that woman is telling him NO for apparently a long time. This broke up my first marriage because I wasn't mature enough to deal with it. To me it seemed like one big bait and switch. My wife got what she wanted -- big house, kids, stay at home situation. What did I get? Bills, all the responsibility for earning the money, and my Johnson in my hand. It  creates resentment in bushels.

Now, if you survive this time, good for you. It can get better again.

But odds are from what you're saying about your ex, he is not one of those guys who will happily give you some room.

I would not bet on your marriage lasting the decade. Sorry, but that's how I see it.

EMAIL FLIRTATION WITH MARRIED GUY ~ WILL I BURN IN HELL?

EMAIL FLIRTATION WITH A MARRIED GUY ~ WILL I BURN IN HELL?

 

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

 

I'm married, is it wrong if I sent another married this email?

 

He sent an email to everyone at work that he was going on vacation for a week. I replied back to him:
~~~~~~
Enjoy your time off.

Are you okay? You don't seem as happy as usual.

~~~~~

I've been sad lately because I have feelings for him and I can't be with him, so I've been avoiding him. I think he's been feeling the same as well. I just want to see him happy again. I want to move on because I can't be with him, but at the same time I don't want to see him hurt.

Do you think this email was inappropriate?

 

Flirting Badly in Flemington

 

Dear Flirt,

 

Nothing wrong with your email from an official work point of view, so no, you won't get in trouble for it.

Even his wife could see it and you'd be okay.

However, you know your own motivations and you also know that the real problem is not your feelings for this guy -- that's a symptom that your marriage isn't working.

I see this all the time. People lust for and hunger for someone outside their marriage, then get divorced, and that person they wanted so bad -- turns out they suck. Most affairs don't turn into post divorce relationships because once people are free, they want someone who satisfies all their needs, not just the bedtime ones.

Post-divorce, you find out what and whom you really want and need, and if you know what you're doing you find it, and all this anguish fades away like a lame nightmare.

SEPARATION ANXIETY

 

SEPARATION ANXIETY

Dear Author Dude,

What's the proper amount of time between one's last lovemaking session and bringing up the subject of divorce?  I believe our last lovemaking session -- if you could call it that -- was Wednesday or so. It mostly consisted of her barking commands and me going along like a robot, as usual. In any case, I am planning to have a deep and meaningful conversation with my wife very soon about some indiscretions of hers that I have been made aware of, and was wondering if there is a set time one should have between lovemaking, and, if it comes to this, asking for a separation  So, I hope it doesn't come to this, but can one ask for separation if he just had sex?

Sexed but Seeking Separation in Seattle

Dear Sexed,

Good question, bro, and obviously you've put some thought into this.

In your situation, I'd blow off the "meaningful and deep conversation with the wife" and communicate with actions. Just move out and take your stuff. In short order your wife will want to know what the deal is. Tell her you will communicate by email (this is great because you then have a record of it for your attorney).

Sit down with some attorneys and protect your assets and income, if not for you, for your kid or kids so you have some money to take care of them during the time you have them. So many men blame themselves during a divorce and say they'll just let her have everything. Don't doit, bro! You'll regret it later.

Hopefully your attorney will be a father's rights advocate and can protect you more than you can protect yourself.

Go on to be a good ex-husband and co-parent. If you do this right, you can even become friends again with your ex and someday you can even laugh about it over a pot of coffee or bottle of wine.

Good luck, pal. Let me know how it goes.

HUSBAND HUMPED THE POOCH ON THIS ONE

HUSBAND (LITERALLY) HUMPED THE POOCH!

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

Oh my God, I can’t believe this!  What can I do? I found my husband doing something horrible!  I came home from the store and brought some groceries in and when I opened the door I found my husband sticking his penis in our dog! For God’s sake, what should I do?

Betrayed By the Dog Lover in Bedford

Dear Betrayed,

Well, that's a pretty sight. I'd say you need some time to get over that. And I doubt you'd want to be sexual with him unless and until he gets a medical checkup and the two of you put a marriage counselor's kids through college.

But I must ask you, is this the tip of an iceberg? How are things in your marriage otherwise? The behavior you describe correlates to him being severely unhappy with the marriage sexually, sort of the maximum extreme version of internet porn. And odds are if he's screwing the pooch, he's also picking up hookers or doing people on the side.

I'm also thinking that somehow his subconscious "arranged" for you to find this out. If he knew you were coming home, wouldn't he wait for some time when you'd be out longer? Or do it in the basement behind a locked door so he'd keep his secret? If it was so easy for you to walk in on him, that could be a sign that his subconscious mind wanted that to happen.

But if that is true, why? Why would he want you to see this? To shock you so that you would leave him? To end the marriage?

Only you know those answers.

 

TOP TEN LIST

Q:  How do you know your partner has fallen out of love with you?

A:  Top Ten List of Ways to Know Your Partner No Longer Loves You: (drum roll)

10. No sex for days or weeks at a time.

9. The excuses about number 10 don't hold water.

8. Parties are a pain in the neck because spouse is flirting with opposite sex.

7. Spouse keeps disappearing with the phone for mystery calls at night and guards the cell phone from your prying eyes.

6. You can't remember the last time spouse came up and kissed you for no reason.

5. Spouse rarely smiles at you, only when he/she is thinking to themselves or reading an email or watching TV.

4. More working out, new clothes.

3. Red fingernails when you've been begging her to paint her nails for ten years. When you compliment her about them and ask her to scratch your privates with them, she sneers that they are not for you.

2. You touch her in the bathroom and she pulls away like it was a spider.

1. You find a note to her from another guy. You find a picture of another guy. You find that this is the same guy she's been talking about in casual conversation a lot. "My friend Bob says..."

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NEED SEX NOW!!!

DYING FOR SEX, BUT DON’T WANT TO LEAVE THE KIDS

Dear PBAB,

I'm married and I have been talking to someone for the past 2 months. No we have not had sex , so don't ask . However, if I weren’t married, chances are , I would be all over this man. I have stayed with my husband for the past 5 years because of our children. I know that is not a good reason to stay with someone, however, the guilt I feel over the thought of separating my kids from their father is so bad that I'm sick a lot of the time. I can not even stand the thought of my husband touching me in a casual way let alone a sexual way. I have no idea as to what I should do. Yes, I have talked to my husband about our problems and he just walks way and doesn't want to talk about them.

Screaming for Sex in Sacramento

Dear Screamer Girl,

 

You're missing a key ingredient. Just because your marriage is over does not mean your parenting arrangements will be any different. My ex and I talk all the time about our daughter and make joint decisions, and many are the times we've split pots of coffee or bottles of wine telling stories about my daughter that the other parent didn't directly witness. We've even asked the other for dating advice! So you see, it's not that divorce separates a man from his kids, only a bitter divorce does that!

If you can split the dishes like adults, things will be fine.

That said, one of the things that makes splitting dishes turn into hurling dishes is affairs.

You need to turn off the idea of being with another guy. That is not your life's love, it is just your glands' way of telling you that your marriage doesn't work sexually anymore.

Trust me, once you are separated and are legally able to date someone without screwing up your coparenting divorce situation, you'll see that all these potential affair partners you were lusting after fall way short. Glands do not do a good job of picking a boyfriend!

I used to have a three-organ committee to pick the next girl (heart, brain, penis) and every three months the chairman would be switched to see if it helped pick out a better girl. It took a long time and a lot of dating different people but eventually I found someone who is perfect for all three!

 

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