MARRIAGE

"Marriage is a crazy-maker, an abusive little institution that only survives because we brainwash our children."

THE BITTER BITCHY EX-WIFE

THE CASE OF THE BITTER BITCHY EX-WIFE

Dear PBAB,

I’m so bitter!  I really need to get over the bitterness I feel toward my ex-husband.  The marriage was truly awful, and the things he did, beyond abysmal.  I left him 5 years ago and I don’t love him, or want to be with him at all. Yet he STILL makes me so angry!  I want to move on;  I’m annoyed about how angry I get.  Yikes!!  Oh, don’t tell me to get him completely out of my life because we have two kids together, so we have to remain in contact.

Bitter in Baltimore

Dear Bitter Boots,

I keep wanting to ask my first ex why SHE's so bitter. I'd say the answer is that to a woman a relationship is of the same status as a career is to a man -- it defines one's identity. You are having the same feelings of rage that a man would feel if he worked and planned all his life for a career like being a doctor or lawyer and got tossed out on his butt. That kind of indignity is never really gotten over.

For the fired professional, healing comes from rebuilding and finding a new career and purpose in life to replace that which was destroyed. I'm guessing, but doesn't it seem like the way for a woman to move on would be in rebuilding also? Wouldn't connection to a new man have some soothing qualities, particularly if that man appreciated the female?

I know so many divorced guys with children who would love to meet a woman who can appreciate a man.

I guess what I'm saying is that there is life after divorce, but only if you swim up to it.

Good luck, dear.

PBAB

 

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THE MAN LACKING MANLINESS

Dear PBAB,

There was this older chick who was letting me bang her.   I do not consider myself an attractive man, not bad, not handsome, I am overweight and self conscious. I don't believe I am a great lover. She told me that a smart woman will not go for the man who can have any woman because she will always have to wonder, she will go for the man who truly appreciates her. She also told me that if I am self conscious, any woman I meet is MORE self conscious, don't worry about it. Just be yourself and they will love you.  Is that true?  Was she just stroking my ego?

Nervous in North Jersey

Yo Nervous Dude,

That was probably true about her and it would be true of a subset of women.

Women are as different as cars. They don't all even have the steering wheel on the left side! What's true for one is only true for her.

But if a woman you loved told you that all you lack is confidence, that is a great data point. It means you can be successful with other women.

Certainly not all women, but no man is great with all women.

You must determine what your type is. Do you like brainy chicks, sporty chicks, dyke chicks? Tall, short? Slender, muscle-bound, chunky, voluptuous? Blonde, redhead, brunette? Talker, introvert, psycho? Figure this out, and then only go for those women. As you do that, you will find that the women who are NOT your type love you and the ones who are your type snub you.

Why is that? To the women you don't like, you appear more confident. Confidence is killer for chicks. A woman will throw herself at a confident dude, no matter what he looks like.

So then, my friend, start treating women you like just like the women you don't. Treat them like dirt. They will worship you.

PBAB

THE PUSSY-WHIPPED EX-HUSBAND

THE CASE OF THE PUSSY-WHIPPED EX-HUSBAND

Dear PBAB,

 

My man doesn't stand up to his ex-wife!  I think he’s actually scared of her. He'll stand up to me but not her. They share custody of their daughter. He'll agree to be flexible with her but she is not always flexible with us and he seems to scared to ask. It always gets contentious on the phone with them. I feel so powerless over this. Do I confront him on this and ask him why he won't stand up to her and why he will to me? Is he more concerned about keeping her happy or me?

Frustrated Squeeze Feeling Squeezed

Dear Squeezie Girl,

 

I put up with this complaint from my own girlfriend concerning my own bitch-on-wheels ex-wife. A woman has attorneys on speed dial and can always find a way to create bullet-proof excuses for disallowing child visitation. That's awful, but it even gets worse. She can poison the child's mind against the father. So if your guy treats his ex carefully, remember, he's like the bomb squad. One false move and BOOM, there goes his daughter. Naturally, children get older and more aware, and the foolish ex-wife eventually suffers just as one woman I know did who tried to poison her son's mind against the father. He left home at 14 to live with his father and never spoke to his mother again, and now she is the one crying the tears of loss.

Now YOU, dear girlfriend, can be replaced. Perhaps not easily, but with some effort. My counsel to you is to be supportive to the point that you can barely stand it.

If you can't, do him a favor and leave.

As for me, the next time my girlfriend complains about my controlling ex, I'll toss her out of my house for a week and let her feel what "alienation of affection" means.

PBAB, the Bomb Squad Guy

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CLUELESS ABOUT SEX

MIDDLE AGED AND CLUELESS ABOUT SEX

 

Dear Author Boy,

 

 

I am 32. I have been single for 3 years on and off. I have been introduced to a couple of guys by friends, met a guy on the seafront, met another in the supermarket and met 4 internet dating last year and one recently. I was very careful with the guys on the internet and spoke and e mailed for a couple of weeks and met safely during the day with friends aware of my location etc.

 

I have taken things very slowly which each guy I have met but they all have one thing in common! Each of them seemed really nice and genuine and I did my homework before getting involved with two that I did.

 

I have been horrified most have been married or have an ex on the scene or just openly looking for sex. I am just so outraged at what seems to be the 'norm' nowadays. I find it really upsetting that guys seem so flippant and so calculating about sex. I feel I am losing my faith in men. They have all been professional ok looking guys who seemed genuine and honest. What am I doing wrong?

 

Crying in Croyden

 

 

 

Dear Whimpering,

 

 

Here's what you're doing wrong. You're 32 and acting like you're 16. Get over it. People have sex on the third date if they like each other. Stop acting like sex needs you to do months of homework.

 

With an attitude about sex like yours, you should investigate if you are not heterosexual. Most normal women have sexual desires and are all too happy to get sexual attention from "nice" men they are dating. Either you were sexually abused as a child, making sex seem unsafe, or you are a homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that). You should explore your feelings toward women. Explore a little bit and find what makes you tick, or else before you know it you will be 52, alone, unfulfilled and bitter about it.

THE WANDERING HUBBY

WANDERING HUBBY

 

Dear PBAB,

 

 

Could you trust him?  My husband works in an office for a large company. We just about divorced one time because he had an affair with a 21 year old girl at work. He is 45. I wanted to make our marriage work, and he said he will never do it again and has learned his lesson. The office that he works in is small (2 people), and they are getting ready to hire "another" person (the other guy that works in there is leaving), and they are going to hire a woman. They usually hire college age girls too. My question is...Would you feel insecure about a good looking college girl being in the office, sitting side by side with your husband? He is always saying...I wish they would hire a good looking babe! Don’t tell me how insecure I am please.

 

Waiting by the Phone

 

 

 

Dear Waiting,

This is what happens when you try to "save" a marriage that was obviously over. You have a lifetime of this ahead of you. This isn't a relationship, it's an investigation. If it makes you happy playing Scotland Yard, have fun. It'll never be different until Hubby is too old to get hard. Even then he'll be flirting, just keeping his dipstick to himself. I suggest you get a life, get a separation, get a divorce, build your life, date and find a real relationship.

 

You see, if you ever ask the question, "could you trust him?" the relationship is over.

 

Sorry kid, but you should have dumped this guy the first time he went off the reservation.

 

PBAB

THE CASE OF THE ORALLY UNFULFILLED

THE CASE OF THE ORALLY UNFULFILLED

 

Help me PBAB!

 

Is 10 years enough time for my wife to figure out how to give a successful B.J.?  I mean, she tries, and it's not me (previous experience was great) but come ON!  And yes, she gets 'that' all she wants.

 

Unsucked in Urbana

 

Dear Un,

 

 

Once upon a time my mother made me do the dishes. Worse, she got this idea in her head that I should be responsible for cleaning the kitchen after huge extended family bashes and Thanksgiving and Christmas. This involved being careful with china and hand washing and drying it. It sucked. So I got this idea. I dropped the turkey platter (not one of the dishes, because then the set wouldn't be matched). CRASH! My mom ran in so fast she broke the sound barrier. The screaming and bitching was so loud I couldn't hear for a week. I had to read her lips as she ordered me out of the kitchen.

 

A valuable lesson in life. I used the broken dish technique many times to avoid things I didn't want to do in my marriage. For me, the worst job is painting. All I had to do was spill a gallon of paint and ruin a couch and after that, all the rooms were painted by my wife.

 

Get the picture? Your wife doesn't like sucking your thing. It annoys her that you want it. She is counting on your impatience with her "incompetence" so that you will drop the matter. That way she thinks she will avoid any resentment on your part. After all, she "wants" to do a good job, she just can't seem to get the deed done.

 

All this assumes your wife is of normal intelligence and physical coordination. But if she's a PhD and a tennis pro, she is capable of giving oral.

 

You need to recognize that for the rest of your marriage, you will be absent this physical pleasure.

 

I wrote an article on "The Missing Sex Act" to counsel people in marriage whoneed something sexually that their spouses cannot or will not provide.

 

See

http://journals.aol.com/silentfastdeep/internetdatingadvice/entries/2008/01/29/the-case-of-the-missing-sex-act/1445

 

Good luck, bro.

 

PBAB