INFIDELITY IS THE CRY OF THE SOUL TO BE SET FREE FROM THE RELATIONSHIP

 

Dear Author Guy,

I saw an answer you gave to a guy who said his wife was "supposedly" cheating on him. And you used a line that really raised my eyebrow:

"Infidelity is the cry of the soul to be set free from the relationship."

Could this apply if a married woman were sending another man flirtatious emails?

Some feel that these kind of emails are cheating.  Is this infidelity?  Would you assume that she wants very much to be with the guy she is flirting with?

Thank you for your time.

Groovy Guy

 

Dear Groovster,

I stand by my immortal line, "Infidelity is the cry of the soul to be set free from the relationship."

The form taken by the infidelity matters little.  Here are some subtle examples of cheating.  All these are communications between the married woman suspect and a man she lusts for, but the parallel exists for men:

* business dinners with the client including many drinks and sultry glances

* talking emotional specifics about her relationship in a manner of complaint

* wishing aloud she were free

* talking details about the kind of sex she likes

* flirting to the point that both parties know that in the right circumstances, sex would ensue

Men can engage in the same emotional disloyalty.  For men, signing onto chat rooms and talking about sex to presumed other women is a subtle cheat, as is signing on as a guest to sex dating sites.  For an unusual example, consider the sex-starved husband I knew who went to X-rated bookstores to go to the peep show booths so that he could get a glory-hole blowjob from another man.  It wasn't that the guy was gay, it was that he was so hard up that he needed action, and this seemed an easy way to get blown with no strings attached and no long approach needed to warm up a woman.

Whatever the means, these subtle cheats are no different than fucking the next door neighbor.  They are disloyal to the relationship.

I do not speak in the tone of judgment or condemnation you might think.  I have been a cheater myself.  The issue is the relationship.

If you find yourself in obvious or subtle cheating, you need to confront the fact that YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOTWORKING.  If it were, other men or other women would notbe alluring.

Think back to the honeymoon.  You didn't even notice that cutie on the beach eyeing you.  Compare that to now.  Quite a difference, isn't it?

What does one do now?

A lot of thinking.  Unlike many therapists, I do not believe that marital rifts can be healed.  By the time a relationship problem shows up in the symptom of cheating, it is too late.  When in the face of lacking sex, resentment against the ungiving partner builds up to the point that even if she or he suddenly changed and became sexual again, it would be too late.

My advice?  Separation.  It gives both parties time to think.  It gives both people the room to breathe and decide what happens next.  Sometimes the period of separation can be a place for recovery of the relationship, but more often, separation lets both people realize the love is over.

Separation links for those who haven't explored on the web:

http://www.womansdivorce.com/how-to-file-for-a-legal-separation.html

 

http://www.womansdivorce.com/separation.html

 

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/usstatedivorcelaws/a/fla_laws.htm

 

http://www.uslegalforms.com/fl/FL-DO-10A.htm

Good luck.

PBAB

THE CURSE OF THE DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP

CURSE OF THE DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP

Dear Playboy Author Boy,

Is having habitual dysfunctional and bad relationship a curse? Or something I am putting out there?  I feel that I often want to see the good in a person even when there isn't any. In return for opening up I am left hurt time and time again... why do we allow people to affect our emotions like this? Am I abnormal?

Abby Normal

 

Dear Abby,

A shrink would explore your relationship with your father. Odds are, it was defective. A long term course of psychotherapy with an older, male therapist might yield results. Or it might put his kids through school. Either way.

The other alternative is to try to change your relationship style. Screen the men on the front end more. Make a list of "must haves." Make another list of "fatal flaws." I find myself explaining the second rather than the first. "Must have" qualities need work too, as they are more than just sexual or romantic lust type things. Think about the character you want in a man, the ethics. It's not enough to say he must be a doctor, as there are psycho screwed up doctors out there. Think instead things like integrity, compassion to kids and animals, lover of art, that kind of thing. Make your own list. For things that he is missing, ask whether he can develop. Give him a deadline to improve. If he doesn't, remember, the lack of a "must have" is a "fatal flaw."

Fatal flaws include alcoholism, racism, chronic unemployment, addiction to drugs, violent behavior, etc. A fatal flaw must never be forgiven. If you have a fatal flaw about education (he must have a degree to be your guy) then do not accept a man who is "almost" at his degree. He could stop school, and then you would be with a man with a fatal flaw. Similarly, if he hits you just once, that is a fatal flaw if violent behavior is a fatal flaw to you (it should be, but to some women it is not, go figure).

You will burn through a lot of candidates this way but dating is a numbers game. Get on Match dot com (the other services are not for people who actually want to date, such as Yahoo personals and e-Harmony -- they are for people thinking about eventually maybe wouldn't it be great if dating). Keep brief records of the men.

Guy One, Environmental Attorney Boy, had all must haves except love of pets, had one fatal flaw (hated his mother). No second date.

Guy Two, Mechanic Boy. Had all must haves. Had no fatal flaws on first date. On second date found out he's been married twice before, which is one of my fatal flaws. Had to let him go.

Note, by doing this, you will attain better understanding of yourself and therefore your must have list and your fatal flaw list.

The key to connection is disconnection. Be ruthless about not wasting time with those who don't meet your needs.

Good luck.

PBAB

ANOTHER DIVORCE STORY ~ WITH A TWIST

I knew this guy.  He was the richest man I've ever shaken hands with.  I was aboard his yacht in the New York City Wall Street yacht basin.  It was huge.  He was pointing out the autopilot and how it worked with the GPS navigation system.  Back then it cost five grand to fill up the fuel tanks.

He founded and ran a huge Wall Street consulting company.  It carried his name.  It made him tens, perhaps hundreds of millions.  Before he turned 45 he got divorced from his first wife and had to recover from it.  His children from that marriage were my age, and a handsome lot they were.  For five years he catted around and played the field, and then he met "HER," the love of his life.  He absolutely HAD to have her, and married her immediately.

It's almost thirty years later.  He is 78 years old.  Admittedly those are low mileage years, with plenty of golf and sea air instead of laboring at industry or shackled to a desk.  Still, 78 years old, and he's decided to get divorced.

Divorce at 78 when there are some hundred million in assets.  Everything is being sold so they can split it 50-50.  The mansion, the shore condo, the Ferrari, the Lambo, the yachts, the chalet in the Alps, all of it.

Why?  Because there is this Brazilian woman in her 40s who is soooo sexy. 

The man feels he has ten years left (till he's 88?) and wants to spend those years in bliss with Brazilian Girl.

Can you imagine how embarrassing this must be to explain to family and friends and business associates?  To confess to the world that at 78 you can't keep the trouser snake under control and absolutely MUST destroy your entire estate for one piece of tempting ass?  That one pussy is worth a hundred million dollars?

Some would say, "this divorce brought to you by Viagra."

I have a different opinion of it.  I believe that marriage is so toxic that even couples like this can no longer stand each other after three decades.

As with most wives, she probably quit putting out twenty years ago, consigning the husband to a sexual watery grave.  Perhaps he couldn't take it. 

Perhaps he would rather deal with the trouble of divorcing at that age than being accused of marital infidelity, immorality, and fighting a losing cause divorce for his remaining years.  So who are we to judge?

As for me, two marriages and two divorces are more than enough, thank you.  Despite the appearance of the most amazing woman in my life, and despite the fact that I adore her and would gladly marry her -- and would consider it an honor to have her as my wife -- when I think of again being a husband, I run screaming from the room.

So good luck, Horny Elderly Industrial Baron Dude.  I believe you have it right.  And I hope your time is twenty happy, sexually satisfying years left.

One last thing, though, pal.  Get a prenup!

 

 

 

 

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